Bachelorette Week 1

And so it begins… Alabama Hannah’s season of the Bachelorette! Week 1. We begin with a montage of Alabama Hannah in a field and leaning against some poles while her voiceover laments about not being able to find love. The girl could not be more awkward! And I swear if I hear ROLL TIDE all night long I’m going to have to stab my eyes out! Of course they make a point to show AH’s pageant history, lest we forget!

Then we have the little intros to the men. The short videos in their hometowns. None of these guys ever seem to make it to the end so get a good look now my people! Mike from Dallas seems super sweet with his great grandma. Joe the Box King is on my tv for 3.8 seconds and I already can’t stand the man.

Next up are the limo entrances. I should start a ROLL TIDE tally! 
Garrett the golf pro is out of the limo first. He has a healthy head of hair on him! 
Mike is super sweet still. That’s good to see!
Jed the singer/songwriter is 100% here for his career. 
Tyler C the dancing contractor gives me the heebie jeebies and I just don’t know why.
Dylan is up next, then Connor who jumps the fence. It’s been done, bro. 
Devin tells a virgin joke and I want to punch him in the throat. I thought we left the virgin stuff behind us!!!
John Paul Jones is next and if you think I’m typing out John Paul Jones all season you’ve got another thing coming! Also, he lists his occupation as John Paul Jones. SO WEIRD.
Brian throws his head WAY back when he laughs.
Scott is so nervous I almost feel badly for him!
Matteo is just as nervous.
Daron reminds me of someone but I can’t think who.
Tyler gives INTENSE eye contact. #squirm
Thomas and Matt are up next and I honestly can’t remember a thing about them.
Then a forklift pulls up with a big box on it marked Fragile (so it must be Italian amirite???) Joe the Box King jumps out and styrofoam packing peanuts fly errrrrrywhere! They are going to be finding peanuts all season! So bad for the environment Joe the Box King!!!
Joey shows up with a baby seat for some reason.
Connor J is speaking French and I don’t know why. He has a lady face by the way.
Ryan “Roller Boy” literally rolls up yelling ROLL TIDE and I’ve never wished someone would wipe out more than I do now. Oh don’t feel badly for Ryan the Roller Boy, he’s wearing a helmet!!!
Hunter the surfer is next and following him is unemployed Grant who keeps making silly puns about how it’s a sausage party in there. Dude brought his own mustard. 
The puns keep coming as Kevin gets out of the limo with an armful of footballs that he drops everywhere. 
Luke follows that by climbing up on top of the limo and GROWLING at AH who GROWLS back. Lawd help me I may need to start drinking to get through this season!
Another Luke is next and he’s about as exciting as printer paper. 
Dustin shows up wearing giant white shoes with his suit which I don’t understand.
Cam hops out of the limo rapping. Look bruh, you rapped at After the Final Rose and it was cute. Now you’re doing it again and someone needs to pop you upside the head. Not cute anymore. 
A huge red tractor roars up the driveway and sitting atop it is Matt Donald wearing a giant hat. Sigh.
Chasen is up next and he’s a pilot and is super cute but I can’t get past his stupid name. Someone call Child Services for this poor boy! Chasen. Ugh.
Peter the Pilot steps out of the limo in his pilot uniform and hold on I’ll be right back I’m gonna go slide into his DMs. V handsome in that uniform.
Ok so there’s 30 men but I’m missing one. Whoever he is must not have made that much of an impression. #shrug

AH says a quick prayer before entering the party and I love that. She walks in and greets the guys and she is looking so good in her dress! #fireOne of the Lukes grabs her first and here we go! Lady Face Connor throws her a bachelorette party with a bunch of elementary school games, which reads a bit odd to me. 
Rapper Cam steals the first kiss of the night. 
Then out of nowhere, Demi (yay!!!) and some other girl (who?) pull up in an undercover FBI van with surveillance equipment claiming that they were told on social media that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home. Yeah, just ONE I bet! HA! I betcha half a dozen of these punks have girlfriends back home! 
Back to the party, Joe the Box King acts like he’s walking around a Bar Mitzvah with a microphone. He’s just way too “on” for me. 
Peter Pilot has a baby face under that pilot’s cap.

Ooh and Demi finally spots the dude with the girlfriend! And it’s Nervous Scott! Chris Harrison pulls AH aside and she goes to see Demi and that rando girl who tell her about Scott’s GF. Then AH does something that makes me like her a bit more. She marches into the house, points to Scott and says “We need to talk!” The other guys are shaking in their boots!

They go sit outside somewhere and AH comes for him. He is pretty dodgy about it but the truth comes out. Scott JUST broke up with his GF MONDAY!!!! The nerve!!! Then he has the gall to bring up Colton and tries to say it’s the same thing?!?! Boy, BYE. AH marches him back through the house in front of everyone and to the front door. Then she goes back outside and cries a bit about it. Luke the Growler goes out to console her, which was nice. BUT AH says a couple of times that she’s freezing and he never gives her his jacket! FAIL.

And the party is back on! Connor S gets a kiss. Everyone is eyeing the first impression rose. Growler Luke gets it and they share a BIG kiss. I swear he’s about to suck her top lip into a different dimension! GL comes on a wee bit strong for my taste.

Rose Ceremony
Turns out shortie Jonathan is the guy I missed at intros. He gets a rose. JPJ (John Paul Jones) gets the last rose and that boy just makes my skin crawl!!! 
Going home tonight are Old Matt Donald, Chasen, Joe the Box King (don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!), Brian, Hunter (WHO???), Ryan, and Thomas. The only one I’m a little shocked by is Chasen. Yes, I hate his name. BUT he’s a stone cold fox AND a pilot (free flights!!!) so he has a respectable job! Unlike our clear villain of the season – JPJ.

Previews- Cam talks about himself in the 3rd person and that’s a straight up punchable offense.

Credits- Chris Harrison sweeping up Joe the Box King’s packing peanuts and muttering cuss words is the kind of tv content we all need right now!

Until next week…. xo🌹

Marketer’s Dream

That’s what CSP calls me.  Let an infomercial run on tv and I’m reaching for the phone.  I’ve never actually ordered anything off the tv but I’ve been verrrrry tempted on many occasions.  Not only do I fall in love with the products, but the infomercials themselves.  LOVE all the crazy people in the ads who can’t manage to boil pasta or crack an egg without seriously maiming themselves.  Sometimes I’ll get lucky and find these As Seen on TV displays in Target or CVS.  I found the ShamWow at Target and was so excited to pick that up.  My latest gadget obsession is a reacher grabber thingie.  I’m short (in comparison to CSP).  He’s 6 feet 5 and I’m 5 feet 7.  He forgets this and likes to put things up so high you could get a nosebleed getting them back down.  He seems to think that our short little step stool is all I need but it’s so not.  I’ve dreamt of a reacher grabber thingie for years.  CSP thinks I’m just caught up in all the glamour of the infomercial.  But I’m not in a trance, I swear!

Stars in the making

Last February I recorded a little video of CSP playing with our pug puppy Zoe. It’s really cute so I uploaded to America’s Funniest Home Videos in July. Well I received an email from AFV at the beginning of October that they want it on the show. So we filled out a stack of release forms and sent them in. I just heard that our video will be on America’s Funniest Home Videos in January! Most likely the 17th but I’m to check back with them in early January to confirm.
I’d show you the video but AFV has you take the video off the web until after the show.
CSP, in his pajamas, playing with Zoe, on national Television! So excited!!!

Comped Cinema

Because we are loyal customers, Directv has given us 3 free months of Showtime. We’ve been watching some movies lately. Now I shall tell you about them.

•Bound – love Jennifer Tilly. Gina Gershon is bad ass.
•Lara Croft, Tomb Raider- love Angelina Jolie. It was weird watching Angelina speak with a British accent while Daniel Craig spoke like an American. Fun movie.
•Margot at the Wedding- You’d think with the cast of Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Jack Black that this movie wouldn’t be such a waste of 90 minutes. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong. Wrong and annoyed that such a stupid, boring movie could be made.
•Charlie Bartlett- Hope Davis and Robert Downey Jr are fabulous in this. Fell in love with the kid who plays Charlie Bartlett. Delightful movie.
•Good Luck Chuck – Jessica Alba is cute as can be. And i love penguins. That’s the end of the good things I can say about this movie. This movie confirms my desire to never see or hear Dane Cook speak again.

That’s it so far. There Will be Blood is supposed to record soon. I drink your milkshake!

The Hills are alive with the sound of the Lord’s music?

Sara: What are “The Hills”?  A bunch of Christian singers?

Me:  What?  No, it’s that show that Mark films.  (our uncle)

Sara: I know that, but what is it?  It’s a bunch of Christian singers right?

Me:  (trying really hard to talk while laughing so hard)  Why would you think that?

Sara: Well, Heidi Montage (that’s how Sara pronounced it- so funny!) and Spencer Pratt are always talking about God & Jesus on Twitter. “We just finished filming. Thank you God!”  And they talk about Heidi’s new songs.

~It’s true.  Heidi is constantly going on about Jesus is great and I love Jesus etc. ~

Me:  Have you never seen The Hills?

Sara: No.

I then launched into an explanation of the Laguna Beach- The Hills – Lauren Conrad-Spencer Pratt is a douche-Heidi Montag phenomenon. I still couldn’t stop laughing.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of a group of Christian Singers- the cast of The Hills is the FARTHEST thing from my mind!

Everyone’s a critic

idol-logoAmerican Idol is coming on tonight.  Just like every other week I will record the episode on the dvr so I can skip commercials and rewind if necessary.  And then I will sit there and judge these people.  I know, I know, thou shalt not judge and glass houses and all.  But I can’t help myself!  Now, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.  I am tone deaf.  I have no idea what pitch really is.  But every January when Idol rolls around I turn into a music guru.  Why these people don’t listen to me, I don’t know.  It’s almost as if they’ve never even watched the show themselves!  They make the same mistakes every year.  If I could grab a contestant back stage and give them some tips here’s what I’d tell them:

  • Don’t wink, wave, blow kisses, or do any funky movements while you’re singing.  Simon will instantly tell you that your performance is karaoke if you do this.
  • DO NOT sing anything by Celine, Mariah, Michael Jackson, Whitney, Sting, or anyone else iconic.  THEY SING BETTER THAN YOU.  It’s not your fault, it’s just the way it is.  If this were an art competition you wouldn’t try to duplicate the Mona Lisa.
  • Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop with the yeaaahhh yeahs at the end of the song.  I know you have a minute and 20 seconds to knock our socks off and you probably want to fill that time, but I’d take a minute 18 with no yeah yeahs any day.
  • When you choose your outfit for your performance don’t ask a fellow contestant if you look good.  Find a stylist, a friend or a stranger on the street.  This is a competition and your competitors want you to go on stage looking like you robbed a hobo for your clothes because then they will, by default, look better than you.  Just ask Jackie from last week.  Simon was gobsmacked over her shiny pants, giant sneakers, and big red belt as well as her choice of an Elvis song.  And sure enough, she didn’t make the top 12.
  • Do not choose a song that a former Idol winner has released as a single.  You don’t want people comparing you to other Idols.  You want to stand out.  We don’t need 3 more Kelly Clarksons.
  • Listen to Simon.  He knows what he’s talking about.

Whew.  Now that I’ve got that out of my system I’m ready for the next group of singers!  I’ve got my cell phone charged and I’m ready to vote!

Booya!

Tonight I finally finished addressing and writing in all 94 (!!!) Christmas cards. This was no small feat. It meant spending a good deal of time with my little tv tray in the living room while mindless tv droned on in the background. While filling out my cards I caught an episode of The Bad Girls Club. O.M.G. These girls have some serious anger issues.  They can’t go out without getting in a fight within minutes.  And all the screaming.  Oy.  They make my head hurt.  I can’t imagine how they’ll deal with real life issues like mortgages or health problems.

In other news, I have a freebie for you!  I found a new (to me) photo site.  Just placed my first order so no idea on quality or shipping times etc.  See Here is the name.  And if you use coupon code prints-2 you’ll get 100 free prints when you sign up!

Also, I can not get that annoying Katy Perry song out of my head!  That Hot and Cold one.  Ugh!  What is it with girls who talk their way through songs and make millions of dollars?!?  I could do that!  Ok, well, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but you could do it and I could be your back up “ooh ooh” girl! 😀