Bachelorette Week 3

Week 3. Hooboy! This week just devolves into a pure sh!tshow for lack of a better word. Let’s dive in shall we?


We begin back at the cocktail party. Yosef is still annoyed with the mild male nudity from last week’s strip dodgeball game. He keeps using the words “classless” and “distasteful”. Because we all know he’s a beacon of class and taste! He finds Clare and they sit down to talk. He starts off by saying he’s noticed some red flags from her. This is gonna go well!!!
Yo didn’t like it when C said “You guys are here for me”. Also, he was “absolutely appalled at the nudity. It’s so humiliating and degrading, silly and immature. A classless display. I expected more from the oldest bachelorette. You’re not setting the right example for my daughter. I’m ashamed to be associated with you.” WOW. Ok, 1. Has he not seen the show??? ABC isn’t worried about setting the class bar v high with this show! Lighten up dude!


Clare goes to say something about her mother dying and YO CUTS HER OFF. OMG.


Clare tells him to leave, natch. Yo is still shouting insults at her from across the courtyard “You’re not fit to be a mother for my child” and “I expected more from the OLDEST bachelorette”. Yikes.


All the other guys come running to her defense when they hear the hubbub but it’s Dale (of course) who comforts her. Clare then decides to end the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony.


Rose Ceremony-


Dale gets the first rose (of course). You can almost hear all the other guys groan. Going home- Blake, Garin, and Tyler S.


The next day DeAnna from Bachelorette season FOUR shows up to counsel Clare. I have no idea who this woman is as I didn’t start watching until Emily’s season but could ABC not get any other Bachelorette to come talk to Clare??? Good grief! Anyway, they are sitting on the sofa chatting and from nowhere, C whips out a pair of Dale’s pants!!! And she starts sniffing them then has DeAnna sniff them and OMG I just vomited.

While Clare and DeAnna are chatting, all the guys who were picked to go on today’s group date are whiling away the hours waiting for their date to start. Finally, at dusk, C comes to the guys’ room and announces that the day portion of the date is canceled. YA THINK?!?

Cocktail Party-


Dale makes a big show of asking for a group hug after giving a big speech about how everyone needs to be respectful of each others’ time. Then Dale steals Clare away first and spends an HOUR making out in her room. SO RESPECTFUL. Clare is wearing shiny, satin shorts and a blazer and gives off a kinky real estate agent vibe tonight.

Finally Eazy goes to find Clare in her room and stands at the door long enough to hear some panting and clothes arranging. ALL the other guys are super annoyed at how little time they are getting with her and who could blame them??


Dale later has the nerve to go back for a 2nd time with Clare! After which he gets grilled by the guys. Clare comes back to the group and gives Dale the group date rose. The other guys are NOT happy to say the least!!! They continue to give Dale a hard time back at the house.

Zach J’s 1-1


It’s a spa date. YAWN. Basically they just get pedicures and facials and go swimming. The whole time C is annoyed with Zach’s energy (because he’s not Dale) and whines to the producers that she just wants to be with Dale. When C & Zach finish swimming she goes in for a kiss but then backs out and it gets really weird because Zach then grabs her forcefully trying to get that kiss. Dude, that’s not cool.


Back at the house (I know it’s a hotel suite but just go with me), some of the guys are gossipping saying that maybe Clare and Dale were communicating pre-show. Hmmmm.

Later, Zach is at Fake Dinner waiting on Clare when Chris Harrison shows up instead. NOT a good sign. CH says Clare’s not coming to dinner and Zach tries to say there was a misunderstanding but CH is like I don’t get paid enough for this, I’m going back to my margarita you fool. And Zach gets sent home.

Group Date 2-


It’s the next day and Clare is wearing some strange white spaghetti strapped shorts jumpsuit. She’s with Margaret Cho (LOVE) and they are in a small theatre of sorts. Turns out the guys are all going to roast each other. The audience will be the rest of the guys from the house. Mind you, ALL the guys have it out for Dale, saying he gets too much attention and time.

Roast-
The guys all go after Dale. Every single one of them. Especially Bennet. It’s brutal!

Cocktail Party-


Clare arrives in a sparkly banana yellow dress and I want to slap her stylist. Clare pulls Bennet aside to chat first and lest you think she’s there to get to know Bennet, I promise you it’s still all about Dale. Bennet tries to talk about anything BUT Dale but Clare keeps asking about Dale.


And the pattern continues with every. other. guy. there. It’s Dale Dale Dale. Ugh, these poor guys! She’s not even pretending to be the slightest bit interested in them!!! Then, to rub salt in the wound, she refuses to give out the group date rose!!! The guys are NOT HAPPY. AND, when Clare is walking away with a producer, C says something about her fiance! Oooooh. Are they already engaged??? If so WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE???

Next week it all blows up and I can’t wait!!! Until then my BBs!!! šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 2

Week 2! Wow y’all. This episode is CRINGEWORTHY!!! Let’s dive right in, shall we?!

First we have a group date. To which Clare shows up looking like a Boy Scout’s mom! Those khaki shorts! Yikes!!! So this date is all about the Love Languages. If you’re not familiar, Google it. Basically it’s 5 ways that we express love and receive love. I’m optimistic for this date (minus Clare’s forest ranger garb) because at least it’s got some depth to it and isn’t some rando obstacle course or something. But my hopes are shattered when ABC puts Clare in a cheap high school production of Romeo and Juliet. She’s up in this Juliet tower and all the guys on the date are then forced to give her Words of Affirmation with precious little direction. Each guy wings it and says some sweet things.

Next up is Gifts. The guys all race back to their rooms to rummage around in their luggage for a gift for Clare. They give her a chess piece, a baseball, etc. She’s lucky she didn’t end up with the free shower cap from the hotel!
Last up is Physical Touch. The guys and C are blindfolded and are forced to touch each other in front of all the other guys. Cringe. Esp when it’s Dale’s turn and C is sighing like this isn’t family friendly television! Get a room! ALL the other guys are totally jealous and v uncomfortable!

The After Party-

C comes over to the group of guys and sits down and raises a toast. Then….CRICKETS!!! NO ONE pulls her aside to talk! Not even Hot Boring Dale!!! C literally has to tell them to step up. Finally Bennet puts her out of her misery and asks to speak with her.

They go off to talk but C can’t stay focused because she’s still flabbergasted that she had to beg for some attention! She leaves Bennet mid chat and goes back to the group and chastises them. Dale then steps up and takes her to talk. Nevermind poor Bennet! During their conversation C tells Dale she has feelings for him!!! They’ve known each other for 14 minutes!!! And he reciprocates!!! WOW.

Riley gets the group date rose because C has to pretend she has a modicum of interest in the other guys there.

Yo says C is hot headed and immature and that he’ll address it with her if need be. OH. WELL. That C isn’t living up to his expectations. MY MY Yo. Mighty high opinion of yourself!

Jason’s 1-1

Jason gets a note from C with instructions to write a letter to his younger self before the date. Wow. A date with homework! Ok…. They go out to a fire in the desert and scream into the sky to purge bad demons. Then C makes Jason write down things his ex’s have called him on a tile while she does the same. They then read out the qualities to each other and am I the only one seeing red flags here??? He’s been called cold, manipulative, hard to love, etc. But ok… let’s just gloss over that part! They then shatter the tile against the rocks. Excuse please, but who’s designing these dates? Dr. Phil??? Next up they read the letters to their younger selves out loud to each other. Let’s skip right past your favorite color and talk about all your heart ache and inner demons! I hope C charges Jason a co-pay for all this free therapy!!!

I notice though- no fake dinner! Jason gets the rose and they kiss. C brings out the dress she wore on the last episode of her Bachelor season with Juan Pablo and they burn it in the fire.

2nd Group Date

The guys assemble and find out they are playing Dodgeball. Guess Dr. Phil was busy today. And not just any style dodgeball but STRIP DODGEBALL!!! CRINGE. The winning team gets to go to the after party with C and the losers have to do the walk of shame home. Nakey. So clearly the stakes have never been higher. Now, I’m all for a little silly fun, but ABC could never get away with strip anything on the Bachelor so why is it ok to humiliate the guys? I hate the phrase “just saying” (so passive aggressive). But seriously, just saying. ESP because the guys all look v uncomfortable when it’s time to strip. And it doesn’t take long for the red team to obliterate the blue team. Blue team walks home nakey and Red team are off to the after party!

After Party

This party is pretty boring. Until Bearded Blake crashes the party. He was on the losing team. He’s talking with C when the Red team shows up to confront him. C sends him away and as BB is going to leave he leans in for a kiss and C GIVES HIM THE CHEEK!!! CRINGE!!! Yikes man.

C is then talking with Brandon and it is soooo awkward! C asks why did he come on the show and all Brandon can say is because “You’re so beautiful”. Seriously dude? EVERYONE knows you don’t go in for a job interview without researching the company!!! I mean, the least he could have done was watch her season and come up with a compliment. C sends him home. Brava!

For some reason Chasen gets the group date rose.

Cocktail Party

C pulls BB aside right away and gives him a rose and a kiss. So BB is safe and feels better after his big ol dish of awkward soup last night. I must say, BTW, that C looks amazing tonight! Her dress is beautiful and her boobs look great!

The rest of the episode, I KID YOU NOT, is C & Dale making out. Making out on a sofa. Dale wearing a mask and making out against a door. You get the drift. So we’ll have to wait until next week to see if C can dislodge her tongue from Dale’s throat long enough for a proper rose ceremony!!!

Until then my BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 1

I’M BACK BBs!!!! It’s been 37 years since Pilot Pete’s Bachelor season ended in March. SO much has happened, like COVID!!! Ugh. But the powers that be at ABC finally got their acts together and figured out a way to entertain us with a 39 year old Clare and her 31 suitors! Here we go!!!

Ok so we start off with a bunch of backstory on Clare and her journey and (sort of) why she’s still single at 39. Then instead of showing us little bios of some of the standout contestants from this season, it’s a montage of masked faces boarding planes and what not. Instead of hanging at the Bachelor mansion they are filming at the nicest LaQuinta I’ve ever seen in Palm Springs. All the guys and Clare are quarantined and Covid tested multiple times.

Now, if you know me at all you know I despise spoilers. Even the smallest ones. I avoid them like the plague. So if you love me at all you won’t spoil any of this for me. I am going into this season knowing next to nothing about how it turns out. I know Tayshia is involved somehow but that’s it.

FINALLY it’s time to meet the guys! Clare shows up in a dress with a mirror smashed on it. It looks like they had to take it out some to accommodate her boobs in the bodice. And there’s some weird long strings in the back. BUT Clare herself looks fantastic! Not a trace of maskne to be seen!!! Way to go! Why does Chris Harrison’s hair look weird? Is it just me? Did he dye it? His part is extreme. Is that new? Hmmm. Curious. Anyway, on to the limo entrances!!! Full disclosure- my tv is smallish and my eyes are old and white font on yellow backgrounds is hard to read so I may get the spellings of names or occupations wrong.

Ben- 29 Army Ranger Vet. Cuteish. Seems nice.

Riley- 30 Attorney. Cute but seems kinda cheesy.

Zach C.- 36. Audiology Specialist. Stiff, nervous.

Jordan M.- 30. Cyber Security Engineer. NO SOCKS WITH HIS SUIT. SO tall!!!

Jason- 31 Former Pro Football Lineman. Arrives with a “pregnant” belly as a nod to Clare’s limo entrance with Juan Pablo when she arrived with a “pregnant” belly. It was tacky then and it’s even tackier now. It’s 2020 people. Get woke.

Ivan- 28. Aeronautical Engineer.

Kenny- 39. Boy Band Manager. For real?? Wearing a t-shirt with Clare’s dogs’ pictures on it. Kinda clever move.

Brendan-30. Commercial Roofer. SO nervous.

Mike- 38. Digital Media Adviser. Brings her sparkly flip flops for when her feet will inevitably hurt later. So thoughtful!!!

Jeremy-40. Banker. Sounds boring.

Blake Monar- 31. Male Grooming Specialist. I need more details about your occupation Blake!!!

Tyler C.- 27. Lawyer. Pulls up in an old woody station wagon.

Bennet- 36. Wealth Management Consultant because OF COURSE he is. He rolls up in a Rolls Royce wearing a black tux with white scarf. I’m shocked he’s not eating caviar on a cracker rn.

Blake Moynes- 29. Wildlife Manager. I need more details about your job too Blake! NO SOCKS. But super cute with beard and great smile.

Chris- 27. Landscape Design Salesperson. Cute.

AJ-28. Walks up in the tightest maroon suit I’ve ever laid eyes on! Then he squeezes Clare’s hands to hard and says it’s been months since I’ve touched a woman. NO ONE HERE DOUBTS THAT AJ. #creeper

Joe- 36. Anesthesiologist.

Garin- 34. Professor of Journalism. He totally looks like a professor too.

Robby-31. Insurance Broker.

Eazy (eye roll)- 29. Sports Marketing Agent. Jumps through a big banner that reads “Your Future Husband” wearing a pink suit! Pepto pink. He says his name is something else I couldn’t make out but he goes by Eazy. Ugh.

Jay-29. Fitness Director. Dude shows up in a straight jacket and doesn’t take it off to hug her! Odd duck.

Chasen-31. IT Account Executive. Walks up in a for real suit of armor over his regular suit. You know he had to smell.

Demar-26. Spin Cycling Instructor.

Ed- 36. Healthcare Salesman. Rolls up in a big plastic bubble. Clever ish.

Yosef- 30. Medical Device Salesman. Brings Moon Pies.

Jordan C.- 26 Software Account Executive. Brings popcorn.

Zach J- 37. Cleaning Service Owner. Brings a ring box that upon opening, reveals a man’s bum that farts. Keeping it Klassy!

Brandon- 28. Real Estate Agent.

Dale- 31. Former Pro Football Receiver. Hugs and picks Clare up. He’s really cute. Clare is INSTANTLY smitten. Says to CH that she thinks she just me her husband. (!!!)

Page- 37. Chef. NO SOCKS.

Tyler S- 36. Music Manager.

And that’s all 31 of them! Ok so there are lots of salesmen and lots of guys with “former” something or another as their occupation. I want to know what you’re doing now! I’m looking at you Dale and Jason etc!!! Also, why won’t men on this show wear socks with their suits and dress shoes??? Is this the fashion these days? I think it’s GROSS!!! Just think of those sweaty piggies encased in those shoes all. night. long. in the California heat! Bleh!

COCKTAIL PARTY

I love how Clare’s dogs are there with her and one of them busts into the cocktail party! SO cute.

A few of the guys ask about Clare’s mom who is in a care facility with Alzheimer’s. So sad.

Clare is TOTALLY vibing on Dale! And he seems nice and all but isn’t blowing me away or anything yet.

Jason is so positive and I’m digging him right up until he says Clare’s the most beautiful woman BESIDES HIS MOTHER. Run away Clare!!!

Yosef waits about .14 seconds before he tells Clare he has a daughter. Way to exploit!

Just then, Tyler C says he has “information” about Yo. So Ty C pulls Yo aside and confronts Yo saying that Yo DM’d a woman Ty knows. Yo says he doesn’t remember (which is totally suspect). Ty says he’s not here for high school drama JUST as he’s starting high school drama. So Yo pulls Clare aside. Clare asks Ty to join them for a chat. Clare asks Yo did you send the DM. Yo dances around the answer. Clare decides this BS isn’t worth her time so she leaves the 2 guys to sort it out. Good for you Clare!

Next she’s chatting with Bearded Blake the wildlife dude. Apparently Blake broke the rules and messaged Clare during Quar to ask about her mom who fell. He was the only one of the guys to reach out to her during Quar so that really touched her. And that’s how you get the first kiss of the night Ladies and Gents!

Clare then gives Dale the first impression rose and they kiss.

ROSE CEREMONY

Bearded Blake gets the 1st rose.

Whoa! Turns out Page has fully tatted up hands!

Clare keeps Yosef.

Going home: Tyler C ( it doesn’t pay off to be a sh!t stirrer!), Page (who then shows us his tattooed heart on his chest), Chris, AJ (sigh of relief!), Jeremy, Jordan M., Mike, and Robby (you’re too old to still go by Robby!!!).

And that’s it for the season finale! The season previews look really good!!! I can’t wait to find out who calls Clare the “Oldest Bachelorette” like it’s a bad thing!

Alright my BBs! See you next week!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Week 10

Women Tell All

Before we get to the Women Tell All, we pick back up in Australia on the day of the Rose Ceremony following Fantasy Suites. And let me tell you, Peter looks HAGGARD!!! Chris Harrison asks him how he’s doing and P instantly starts tearing up. The man needs some rest. And therapy. Hannah Ann and Victoria are waiting at the Rose Ceremony but Madison hasn’t arrived yet. Madi finally walks in, dramatically late. And wearing a short, red dress to boot! HA gets the first rose. P then calls Madi’s name and Madi lets out this big sigh and hesitates just long enough to make everyone uncomfortable. P asks Madi if she accepts the rose and she answers with an angry “yeah”. P- You sure? Madi- “yeah”. So enthusiastic! Feel the love!!!

That means Victoria F is going home!!! Yay!!! She and P sit on a bench so they can say goodbye and he starts in with his goodbye speech. Vic- I don’t want to hear it. She instantly gets all attitude-y again! BYE!

Back with the girls, P gives them champagne and Madi makes a toast with zero enthusiasm in her eyes- “Let’s see if love really can conquer all.” P should be a bit scared of Madi (and her eyelashes!)

Women Tell All

Before we start I have to point out that Kelly wasn’t invited. And that’s just wrong ABC!!!

As per usual, Chris Harrison asks ONE question and the ladies erupt into finger pointing and name calling and tears and trying to shriek over each other to be heard.

Hot Seat

Kelsey is up first and she’s pretty composed and poised. Where’s the hot mess we saw all season?? OH!!! I know!!! I read that this was filmed BEFORE the next Bachelorette was named. Makes sense now! All the ladies are auditioning (unofficially) for the role of the next Bachelorette. Hence, no hot mess Kels. There’s much talk of Kelsey’s crying and of course Champagne Gate. Then Ashley I comes out and presents Kels with a humongous magnum of champagne that Kels cradles like a baby. My precious.

Victoria F is up next and she’s also calm and articulate. I’m shocked that she doesn’t melt into a puddle of vocal fry and tears! CH even asks her about her homewrecking reputation and of course she denies, denies, denies. Hmmm.

There’s a segment of CH & Peter crashing Bachelor watch parties with P’s parents in tow. That is until the last party when his parents stay in the SUV to make out!!! Love them!!!

P comes up to the hot seat next and they bring Vic up. Vic is still being all poised and calm and even goes so far as apologizing for her behavior! Then CH opens up the floor to questions from the ladies and Savannah asks P if he regrets keeping all the drama queens and sending home all the girls who were there for the right reasons?? Yay Savannah!!! He says he just followed his heart. Boring!!!

Bloopers are up next which are always so fun!

Then CH brings Rachel out. If you remember, Rachel was the first, and only, person of color to be cast as the lead in this franchise. They spoke about all the horrible hate messages and comments that POC get because of this show and their exposure to the public. The cameras keep panning to women of color on the panel and in the audience. I get what ABC was trying to do here but I think they missed the mark a bit. Neither CH or Rachel said the words “racism” or “racist” but that’s exactly what this is!!! I think ABC failed to really tackle this head on. I couldn’t help but tear up when Rachel read some of the comments and messages she and other women of color have received. I just can’t imagine being on the receiving end of SO MUCH HATE. How can people hate strangers so much?? I don’t understand that level of negative energy. I’m so thankful that none of my readers or commenters on Facebook have ever responded to one of my recaps with anything resembling hate speech. Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to get deleted, blocked, unfriended, etc. by me. These people are on tv but they are PEOPLE! And while I may make fun of someone’s dress or something they say, there’s a line I just won’t cross.

And after Rachel’s segment we got a sneak peek at next week’s dumpster fire, I mean, episode. I’ve never seen a Bachelor so tormented as P and I can’t wait!!! Until then my BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Finale Part 2

Finale Part 2. This “journey” has exhausted me! I’m so excited for the end of this! But Chris Harrison is saying there’s betrayal. MEN ARE TRASH. Let’s get started, shall we?We’re back in Greece and it’s proposal day. Alabama Hannah looks beautiful and I actually like her dress. She’s in the car on the way to get engaged and says “I can’t do this” over and over. They stop the car and it appears that she’s trying to pull a Colton and run from production. But in a gown and heels and down a hilly street on an island in Greece. She takes a tumble and scrapes up her elbows and just sits in the road. I feel badly for her as she tells a producer “I really can’t do this”. AH rallies and gets back in the car and goes to the gorgeous proposal spot. The first car arrives and it’s…..Tyler. SOB!!!!! Noooooo!!!! WHY are you so stupid AH??? Ok, so Tyler is finally wearing pants loose enough to let his junk breathe a bit and he looks so handsome. This show is so cruel! Why let him launch into his proposal speech?? Mercifully, AH stops him, but can’t seem to utter a word. Poor Tyler. “So it’s a no?” You deserve better Ty!!! AH finally croaks out that she loves someone else. Tyler is such a gentleman about the whole thing. My heart breaks for him, especially in the car as he leaves.
Jed shows up with his ding dang guitar and I’ve never wanted to beat someone about the neck and head so much!!! I hate him. Ugh. He starts his proposal speech then starts singing. ABC why do you torture me so??? They get engaged and it’s really pretty lackluster. Where are the big declarations of love Jed? Oh yeah, back with your girlfriend. Bleh.
Back in LA we have to suffer through a few minutes of a montage of the “happy couple” then we find out that THE DAY AFTER THEY GET ENGAGED Jed fessed up (partly) and tells AH he had been “hanging out” with a girl before the show. Then someone sends AH a People magazine article detailing Jed’s relationship with this girl. And it’s WAY more than just hanging out!!! Jed arrives to talk to AH and does the shave and a haircut door knock like he’s arriving to a barbecue not to crush his fiancee’s heart!!! No jaunty knocks Jed! Not the time!!!
AH sits J down and his story about his GF is SO full of balogna I can’t stand it!!! Basically he’s saying he was super casual with the GF but he also admits that they went on trips! And they had sex! They even had sex the night before he left for the show! And he told her he loved her multiple times! But she wasn’t my girlfriend, alright?!? Again, men are trash!!! Well, not all of them, but the ones on this show major in trash in college apparently!!! J keeps even today, sitting in front of AH, saying “I didn’t have a girlfriend”. UGH!!! Oh, and he also told people he “WON” the show. Classy. He is all about Jed. I, I, I. He’s only concerned about his singing career and his exposure. He has no concept that his actions affect AH in any way. TRASH!!!
Back to the LA studio and AH comes out to resounding applause looking fierce!!! She announces she is not with Jed anymore and I can finally breathe again. Thank the good Lord in Heaven that she didn’t give him a second chance! Jed walks out to ONE person clapping and I guarantee that’s his mom. He apologizes and squeaks out “I still love you” but AH is not having it. She is still visibly upset but handles it all with such grace. And at only 24 years of age!
Jed slinks away to backstage and Tyler comes out to a standing ovation. He looks good! Still not wearing socks though. AH admits she still has feelings for him and asks Ty out for a drink. He says yes but I don’t see them getting serious again. She broke his heart for a piece of trash punk. Ah well!
The good news is Bachelor in Paradise starts soon!!!! See you then BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 12

Week 12- We begin back at the Rose Ceremony that was interrupted by Luke P(sycho). We’re down to Jed (UGH), Tyler, and Peter (swoon! can’t help it! don’t @ me). Alabama Hannah is still in that horrible Forever 21 formal cut out prom dress. She gives Jed the first rose! JED!!!! Who has a girlfriend at home! UGH. Peter is going home. He’s such a gentleman. AH is crying and he’s crying and I’m just trying to figure out how to slide into Peter’s DMs. Pete- call me! I’m sure CSP won’t mind!
We cut to LA and Chris Harrison in the studio with Peter. Peter’s parents are there and his mom is crying like he was lost at sea, not like he just got dumped on a nationally televised dating show. AH comes out and says hi to Peter’s parents like she’s going steady with Peter instead of having just broken his heart! Don’t be so cheery with them Missy! You chose to let Peter go! Oh, and AH’s dress is getting on my nerves. It’s got one long sleeve that’s hanging off her shoulder and the other arm is bare and it’s skin tight and cobalt blue and it just looks like this is a poorly thought out superhero ice dancing costume, especially those earrings- they look like bedazzled dust bunnies!
So AH is doing a LOT of flirting with Peter considering she’s supposedly ENGAGED at this point, right?? And then it comes out that they had sex not once, not twice, but 4, count em, 4 times in that windmill!!! Whoa!!! Then there’s some whispering. There’s more to this story, mark my words.
Back to Greece. We get to meet AH’s family. OMG what a treat this is for me!!! Dad looks like a Cracker Barrel Santa with his gray goatee and long, gray hair. And his eyes. SO tiny! Meanwhile Mom is rocking some major black eyeliner. Like WAY too much. She’s got GLITTER ON HER CHEST that you can spot just below her Forever 21 choker. Now I see where AH gets her fashion sense! Tyler comes in in his tight manpris and meets the family first. Mom’s bosom visibly heaves when she lays eyes on Tyty. Both parents are noticeably impressed by Tyler (and really, who wouldn’t be)? He’s tall, good looking, gainfully employed, truly woke. OK wait, who are these other people in the room? They are obvs relatives of AH but we never find out the relation or their names. I have questions ABC!!!
Next up to meet the fam is Jed. Today AH is wearing this odd blue caftan. She looks pretty but I can’t figure out the dress. Dime Eyes Dad sits Jed down and grills him about how is he going to support AH with his crappy singing career. Jed then drops this bombshell…he wrote a dog food jingle!!! I DIE. I googled it immediately and found out it’s for a company called Better Bowl (never heard of it) and the song sounds just like a sad country ditty (I wouldn’t expect less from Jed). Back to the parents. Now Mom is crying rivers through her many layers of foundation and eyeliner. AH: What do you think of Jed? Mom: He has qualities. Bahahahahaha!!!! He has qualities!!! So does Charles Manson!!! AH is NOT happy about how critical her parents are of Jed, but come on, can you blame them??? I just know there are multiple “Live, Laugh, Love” plaques in the Brown family home, but you gotta love them for putting their daughter first.
Afterwards AH & Jed are outside talking and you can see straight through her muumuu to her thong! AH is pouring her heart out to Jed and he looks as about affected as if she was trying to sell him a timeshare in Wichita.
Next up is Tyler’s last 1-1. AH and Ty are wearing painted on jeans so tight that when they go to get on a couple horses to ride around I’m just waiting for a giant rip! AH’s off the shoulder shirt looks like the old uniforms the waitresses used to wear at Lizard’s Thicket! And Ty’s jeans are rolled! That night AH shows up to Tyler’s hotel suite in a hooded midriff baring sweater that’s totally giving me middle school vibes. She and Tyler are doing some serious “straddling and mounting” as the camera cuts away.
Jed’s last 1-1 date is next and they take a catamaran out to sea. It would be a beautiful date if not for 2 things: 1. Jed is not wearing a shirt but he IS wearing a leather belt with his shorts. I can also tell he shaves his chest!!! And 2. AH is violently sea sick and puking over the side of the boat.
That night AH shows up in the most bizarre outfit of the season (and that’s saying something!) – a pink pleather jacket, a black lace cami, and WIDE leg lace trimmed crop pants with SLITS. Her wardrobe choices wear me out!!! Anyway, she and Jed have a talk and it doesn’t go so well. There is no mounting or straddling in Jed’s room tonight people!
And that’s it for today! We find out tonight who she picks (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE PICK TYLER!!!). I’ll watch tomorrow and report back my BBS! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 11- Men Tell All!

Week 11- Men Tell All!!! This is normally one of my favorite episodes but I just knew this one was going to be the Luke show. BUT we start back in Greece and I was not disappointed! We are there for the Rose Ceremony and Peter (I still swoon over him, I can’t help it), Tyler in his tight pants, and Jed (ugh) line up. Alabama Hannah appears and I hate everything about her look today. She’s wearing a bun (which is fine) but she’s got these long tendrils of hair framing her face so it looks like a big, fat spider is sitting on her head and hanging 2 legs down on the sides of her face. And she’s wearing a cut out dress that looks like a Pretty Woman knock off. Anyway, it looks like a regular Rose Ceremony until they show Luke in a van on his way to crash the ceremony. WITH A RING!!! I’ve been saying this for weeks but ABC is going to end up having to get a restraining order against this Psycho!!!!
So Luke arrives to the Rose Ceremony and goes and stands in the line up like everything is normal! Mind you, the other guys don’t know Luke has been sent home. AH walks up to the scene and sees Luke who tries to talk to her. AH says NO! And Jed’s face is priceless!!! Luke won’t stop talking so AH PICKS UP THE ROSE PEDESTAL and walks it closer to the other guys!!! I died!!! So awesome!!! The other 3 gather around AH while Luke is trying to talk to her. She looks him square in the eyes and tells him she doesn’t want him and to leave for the millionth time and he finally does, muttering to himself “She still doesn’t understand”. I just can’t with him!!!
Back to the Men Tell All. Luke comes out to the stage and people (not many, but still) actually applaud for him!!! I’ll sum up his extremely long time on stage: He keeps saying he’s misunderstood. And he says he still loves AH. But he’s not ok with her “straddling and mounting other guys”. STRADDLING AND MOUNTING!!!! He’s making her sound like a wild elk or something! He then says he was going to “rescue” AH. I swear just when I think he can’t say anything else to surprise me, he pulls out a gem! AH is the show’s lead! She does not need you to save her!!! Devin (WHO???) comes out on stage and puts Luke in his place but Luke does. not. get. it. He has no remorse. In fact he even says if he could go back he wouldn’t change a thing!!! UGH. He’s a lost cause ladies!!! He says he’s not here to argue with the guys. Well then why did you come?? Again, have you not seen this show??? And EVERY SINGLE TIME Chris Harrison asks Luke a question he literally takes a full 30 seconds or more to stare out into space before answering!
Next in the hot seat is JPJ- John Paul Jones. Chicken nuggets were eaten and thrown into the crowd. And some rando chick came up on stage out of the audience and cut a piece of his hair off! That was strange!!!
Mike wsa up next and nothing ridiculous happened because he is a gentleman! MIKE for Bachelor!!!!
AH comes out next looking fierce! She goes off about and to Luke and says her sex life is no one’s business and especially not his but you can tell by his face and raised eyebrows he doesn’t get it.
AH had sweet things to say to Mike, which was nice. Bloopers were really good this season. BIP looks insane!!! The Bachelorette finale is 2 nights next week so we’ll see you then BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 10- Fantasy Suites!

Week 10- Fantasy Suites! This week we are in Crete, Greece. A place with beauty that knows no bounds and far better of a locale than Alabama Hannah’s creeps deserve!
We start with Peter. OH PETER!!!! You were my favorite from night one and now I’m so disappointed with you! Because you are (allegedly) a lying, cheating, jerk. Sigh. Peter and AH go sailing and he shows up to the boat…in jeans! Could he not pack a pair of shorts? Or borrow a pair of manpris from Tyler? Such an odd fashion choice! That night Peter hems and haws for soooo long while trying to tell AH that he loves her that I practically scream at my tv- just say it already!!!! He finally gets it out and they retire to a real live windmill. FINALLY, the infamous windmill we’ve been hearing about for weeks! It’s actually pretty cute! The next morning AH wakes up with a red nose and in fact, her whole face is red! Peter seems pretty pleased with himself.
Next up is Tyler. AH arrives to their spa date wearing Daisy Dukes and high heeled sandals. It’s an odd combo. They get a couples massage and halfway through Ty kicks the masseuses out and hops on the table and on top of AH! Bold move Ty! That night AH is wearing a silver lame’ dress and what appears to be her dad’s black blazer. Her stylist is clearly asleep at the wheel tonight. Over Fake Dinner, AH informs Tyler that there will be no sex tonight and they need to focus on their emotional relationship. As a last ditch effort Ty tells AH he loves her but she’s adamant about just cuddling. Ok, I’m sorry but I call BS here. Have you seen his arms? His abs? His shoulders? I mean, yes he wears manpris on the daily but who could resist all that??? The next morning AH is still trying to convince America that all they did was cuddle. SURE YA DID.
Jed is up next and I’m just so sick of him I can’t stand it. His little squinched up girlfriend having face. Ugh. They spend the day drinking ouzo with a Greek family and during the meal Jed pulls AH aside to talk about….Luke! UGH. Jed’s still feeling all pouty because it came down to him and Luke last week and he can’t wrap his head around why. AH does her best to explain and they go about their day. That night AH slinks to the Fake Dinner table in a reallllly low cut black dress. They start talking about Luke again. You’re really digging a grave here Jed! Jed says it’s all coming from a place of love and AH is giving him the benefit of the doubt until he says he’s worried and when he worries it makes him retract how he feels. OUCH. AH walks away from the table and Jed scurries after her. At least he’s wearing normal pants. Back at the table Jed’s back peddling like its his job! He even throws in a few I love yous. It does the trick and he gets invited to the fantasy suite. At this point I, and all of America, am shocked that she’s seemingly planning on having sex with Jed when she supposedly left Tyler hanging.
Luke. Bleh. Luke and AH take a helicopter (!!!) to Santorini (!!!) and nobody deserves a date like that less than Luke. I can’t even talk about their day date because it was so beautiful and it was wasted on that pile of human garbage. At Fake Dinner that night they sit down and I’m all excited because I know this is THE night and Luke wastes NO time and starts out with Let’s talk about sex! The boy is flabbergasted that AH would be offended that he basically called her street trash and alluded to her whoring around but that he’s above all that because he’s been celibate for 2.5-4 years. Um, WHAT??? That’s a pretty broad range there Luke. At this point it is thundering and lightning and raining on them and AH has had it. She’s finally seeing what we have all along and wants him gone. You. Go. AH. But Luke won’t leave. He’s just sitting there with his psycho eyes while AH is standing over him saying Come on Luke, let’s go. To get him to leave she tells him “I have had sex and Jesus still loves me” and I cheer! I wasn’t crazy about AH at first but I LOVE how she will not take crap from anyone, especially this short slut shaming punk. Luke says “Can I pray over you before I leave?” NO! Get out! Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Next week is men tell all and I can’t wait!!! Also it appears that Luke will not go silently into the good night and crashes the next rose ceremony! Thick headed fool!
Until next week BBs! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 9- Hometowns!

Week 9- Hometowns!!! One of my favorite episodes because we get to see where these punks come from and the families never disappoint!
We start with Peter. I don’t understand why Alabama Hannah isn’t more crazy about Peter. He’s adorable. He can fly a plane. He’s sweet and drama free! Marry him!!! He takes AH flying and I’m sure he’s taken a million girls flying but it IS really hot. His family seems really sweet & lovely & I love their pre-dinner yell fest! His dad crying during their talk was so sweet! My vote is for Peter, but then again it has been since day one.
Next up we’re in Florida for Tyler’s hometown. He takes her on a boat ride and I have no idea what they talked about because I was so distracted by his abs. Holy washboard stomach!!! Ok so they walk up to this mini mansion and I’m sorry but didn’t Tyler talk about how they lost everything and had to downsize??? Oh poor thing Tyty, you live in a shack! Tyler redeems himself with how much he loves his sweet dad. I can ALMOST forgive Tyler for forever wearing too short, too tight pants! I swear if I was a nurse I could find a vein and start an IV through those things!!!
Luke is next and I can’t wait to see if the rest of his fam is as psycho as he is! He is SO short! He definitely has short man syndrome. Luke takes AH to Sunday school in some sort of cafe. He starts off the session by telling his “Jesus in the shower” story again and about how he was “Entangled in Sin” in college. Then he won’t leave AH’s side as they make their way around the room forcing everyone to say what a great guy Luke is. They go to see Luke’s family and it’s just more of them saying what a great guy he is. Me thinks they doth protest too much! Afterwards, Luke actually apologizes for the struggle and then tells AH he loves her. Too little too late psycho!!! Dump him!!!
Lastly we go to Tennessee to see Jed. AH is wearing a pretty dress with little stars all over it. I stan. OF COURSE Jed takes her to a recording studio. UGH I am so over Jed and his REAL reason for being on this show!!! They go meet the family and Jed’s dad RUNS AND JUMPS INTO JED’S ARMS and I die! SO funny!!! Oh, but also, Jed’s dad has a soul patch so that’s creepy. Jed’s family is NOT a fan of AH and seems a little shocked that Jed’s talking love and engagement. Mom is a skeptic and Sister is straight up brutal, saying Jed being in love with AH is a bad idea. The whole time Mom is on screen all I want to do is cut her bangs.
Rose Ceremony- Tyler shows up in his uniform of too tight too short pants and stands a full head and shoulders above Luke. Peter is so handsome. He gets the 1st rose and Tyler gets #2. Then it’s obvious that AH is struggling between Luke and Jed. She leaves and cries and Chris Harrison actually makes an appearance and makes a LAME attempt to comfort her while AH destroys rose petals. AH finally walks back in and gives everyone a rose. UGH!!!! Jed is not happy and dude, I feel your pain. I wouldn’t want it to be a toss up between me and a shorty psychopath either!!!
Next week Luke pulls out the slut shaming card so that should be interesting. Until then my BBs!!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelorette Week 8

Week 8. We’re in the Netherlands, y’all! Next week is Hometowns so this is an important week. Meaning, Alabama Hannah had better send Luke home now!!!
Jed gets the first 1-1 date and it’s so boring I almost nod off. They just walk around Amsterdam. But at least Jed didn’t bring his dang guitar. Thank the good Lord for that! They run into an older couple at a cafe who ask where AH & Jed are from and Jed replies “English”. I die a little inside just then. That right there is a prime example of why the world thinks Americans are dumb as rocks. At Fake Dinner AH shows up wearing one of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits in a shocking red. AH tells Jed she’s falling in love with him (for some reason) and he gets the rose.
Tyler arrives to his 1-1 wearing painted on jeans so tight it’s unsettling. HOW he manages to mount a horse in those things is beyond me!!! They are supposed to be riding their horses around The Hauge but they can’t control their horses. AH just keeps telling hers to “Go, go.” UGH. Tyler and AH try pickled herring (vomit fish) and Ty can’t handle it. That’s the highlight of their boring date. What is going on? Is the budget too tight this season for anyone to do anything fun?
Fake Dinner- AH says the word “like” so much that I might like, throw something at my, like, tv! And she’s wearing a skin tight white shirt that’s supposed to be a dress. The neckline plunges so low they had to use 4 rolls of tape just to hold her boobs in! Tyler gets the rose.
Back at the hotel Connor gets all upset because Mike gets the last 1-1 of the week and he was cheated out of his 1-1 because AH was hungover. Er, sick. Yeah, sick. So Connor takes his 12 year old self to AH’s room. AH is NOT thrilled to see Connor and she quickly sends him home. It’s kinda pitiful though when Connor’s voice quivers as he’s leaving.
Mike’s 1-1. They go bike riding then draw each other at an art studio. Mike’s all serious about it but his picture of AH depicts her with serious corn teeth!!! That night at the museum AH is snotty crying looking at all the art. She’s still crying when Mike arrives for dinner and things are NOT looking good for him. I can tell she’s about to dump him but he’s holding out hope up till the last second. MIKE FOR BACHELOR!!!
Peter, Garrett, & Luke go on a group date the next day with AH who appears to be wearing a swim shirt with her tight floral skirt. Odd choice. They, AGAIN, don’t do anything on this date but go to some old building and sit around talking and making out. Luke IMMEDIATELY starts talking to AH about all the other guys in the house and plays the victim card again. AH then talks to Garrett who goes back & gets into it with Luke. Garrett has lost all his cuteness for me because he’s such a sh!t stirrer!!! Luke explodes and gets in Garrett’s face then drops lunch meat on G’s lap. Then Luke goes outside trying to talk to Peter, who’s not having it and walks away. There are 2 roses up for grabs and Peter gets one. And we all say Hallelujah!!!
I do have to say it’s kinda funny when Garrett asks Luke “Are you licking your lips because you’re attracted to me?”
That night at Fake Dinner Luke tells AH all about finding Jesus and seeing Heaven in the shower. I love a good testimony but Luke just creeps me out so much!!! Even Jesus can’t save Luke for me! I LOATHE him and his stupid plaid, plum jacket so much!!!
Garrett tells AH he loves her. I’m not G’s biggest fan but ANYONE is better for her than Luke at this point. And then it happens, AH gives the last Hometowns rose to Luke. WHY??? WHAT could she possibly see in him?? I mean if this is producer driven then they are treading in dangerous territory. There’s fun psycho for good tv then there’s scary, real life psycho that requires a restraining order!!!
As AH walks G out, Luke laughs and grins his psycho grin and I’m just so over him. Luke then carries AH out of the room and they kiss and it’s just gross.
Next week is Hometowns and I just know the crazy will get amped up to 1000!!! Until then BBs! xo šŸŒ¹