Bachelor Finale Part 2

FINALLY! Chris Harrison has been promising the most dramatic finale ever and finally ABC delivers! Well, sort of. But we’ll get to that. Now, settle in BBs because we have a LOT to unpack and this is a long one!

We pick back up in Australia where Peter is down to ONE lady vying for his heart. Madison self eliminated last night, so he has Hannah Ann left. BUT HA doesn’t know that Madi is gone! That’s quite the information to keep under wraps there, Pachi!

But before we get to HA & P, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison points out that Kelley is in the audience tonight! WHAT??? ABC are you punking me? Because first you don’t invite Kell to the Women Tell All, then you let her come to this? And what about the rumor going around that Kell and P end up together?? I’m so confused rn.

Back to Australia. HA is dressed in what can only be described as the ranch dressing of formal gowns. It’s so boring and beige and I thought it was part of a bridal lingerie set. Odd choice there, HA. Just before she’s supposed to go get engaged, HA collapses on her bed and declares herself emotionally drained.

Meanwhile P is pacing around in the desert in a full suit trying not to become a sweaty mess. CH appears and tells P that HA might not be coming. WHAT?!? Now this, this is the drama I signed up for! Bravo ABC! But really, is anyone surprised?? I mean HA IS only 12 years old. At that tender age I could barely commit to a choose your own adventure book, much less a full grown man! Next thing you know, CH tells P that HA is coming after all and I immediately suspect they only told P she wasn’t coming to spice up this dumpster fire of a proposal. Tell me I’m wrong!

Whoever told HA to wear strappy stiletto sandals to the DESERT needs to be shot! No one wants their heels sinking into the sand OR dusty toes! No one!!! HA hobbles through the sand and down the wooden boardwalk to get to P and I’ve never felt so sorry for her. Until 2 minutes later when P starts out his proposal speech to Hannah Ann by saying Madison’s name. OUCH. How romantic!!! P fumbles and bumbles through his little speech and he looks THRILLED to be proposing to his Plan B. Ahh, young love! You can tell HA was fully prepared to be dumped for Madi because it takes her a minute to grasp that this boring dolt is actually asking her to marry him. The ring is gorgeous though, so there’s that.

Back in LA, P stops by to tell his family about his proposal. He hems and haws and beats around the bush until finally Barb breathlessly asks “Who is it??” and y’all. Believe me when I tell you that this woman is WAY to invested in her son’s love life because her shrieks could be heard ’round the world!!!

A month later P & HA reunite in LA and it’s the first time they’ve been together since Australia. P answers the door and greets her and they settle in on the sofa and he looks about as excited as he’d be if he was about to get a root canal. What’s up P? P then tells HA he isn’t sure if he still loves her. Uh oh. HA- I would stand by you even if it kills me. Well, HA, be careful what you wish for cause things aren’t looking too good for you right now. And yep, P is actually breaking up with HA rn. But she is. not. having. it!!! HA- You took away my first engagement!!! Love that she says “first”. It’s like how I refer to CSP as my “first” husband. Let him have it HA!!!

BTW, the camera keeps showing Barb’s face while she’s watching all this from the LA audience and this is pure gold. Give that camera man a raise because not all heroes wear capes, BBs.

Back to HA & P- things are getting heated because HA has moved from shock to anger. HA- I said yes and I get this?!? And she waves the ring in his pitiful face!!! What a time to be alive! HA throws the ring at him and Barb CLAPS!!! I’ve never seen a man publicly disowned by his family on live tv and I am here for it!!!

HA decides to leave and for some strange reason they HOLD HANDS on the way to her waiting car. But when she gets in and he’s trying to talk to her she puts her hand up and tells him to LEAVE. I’ve never felt more alive!!! Who knew HA had all this fire inside of her?? I love it!!! Ok, sidebar. WHAT is going on with P’s pants? Why is he rolling up his jeans so high and wearing hiking boots? He looks like a hipster woodland elf!!!

Back in LA at the live viewing, CH brings HA out to confront P for the first time since the breakup. HA looks fierce and follows it up with words to match. P breathes and HA comes for him. The audience is totally on her side too. Not to mention, Barb! Way to go HA! I have to say that up until this finale I had hoped things would work out for P. He’s cute and harmless and nice enough but to withhold the information that HA was literally the last woman standing and his plan B, then to propose to her anyway??? That’s just gross, P. HA was right, there were 3 women involved in their engagement. Four if you count Barb!

CH gives HA the final word and boy is it a zinger! HA tells P if he wants to be with a woman he needs to be a real man first and I am DECEASED!!! If people still said “You go girl” I would have been yelling that at the tv! But they don’t, so please stop saying that. Srsly.

Now that P has been skewered on national television, CH tells P he has another surprise for him. P looks like he’s an inch from literally dying in front of us. I’ve not seen a man so emotionally battered like this. CH says he went to Auburn, AL to visit Spider Eyes Madison a few weeks ago. On the screen, we see CH visit Madi in her home. CH- P got engaged. LONG PAUSE. CH- but he’s single now! Dang, but CH lives for the drama! Madi says she made a mistake and would do things differently now. This gets her an epic eye roll from Barb in the audience. Seriously, an Oscar to this camera man!!! CH tells Madi it’s P’s dream to be engaged to her. That’s a biiiiit of a stretch but ok, CH. You do you. It doesn’t take any arm twisting to get Madi to hop a plane to LA. I don’t quite understand how being engaged to another woman is ok but having sex in the Fantasy Suite is practically a deal breaker to Madi, but whatever, I just work here.

Next we see a forlorn P staring into a swimming pool while Madi walks up to him. He’s genuinely shocked to see her. Back to the live portion, CH asks P if he still loves Madi. P- yeah. WOW knock me over with a feather! He’s soooo romantic. All these yeahs! Ugh.

Madi comes out onstage and we see Barb mouth “I can’t” to her porn stache wearing husband. Barb was sent from TV ratings heaven I tell you. Ok so wait. Madi and P haven’t seen each other since the poolside chat? What?? So weird. CH asks what’s the next step for P and Madi and P shoots a look at his mommy before answering. Cut the strings P!

CH gives Barb the floor and she starts out by saying she’s getting a LOT of love in her DMs. Hmmm. Then Barb spills some tea. Apparently a lot went on that ABC didn’t show on the day Madi came to meet the fam in Australia. Madi allegedly mad the family wait THREE HOURS before coming in the house to meet them. And when she finally did come in, Madi then told Barb she wouldn’t marry her son. WOW. Don’t hold back Barb!

Ok, so my thoughts on this. You KNOW production played a huge role in the 3 hour delay. I just can’t believe that Madi sat outside in the hot Australian sun slut shaming P for 3 whole hours. Especially while wearing that black turtleneck. It was sleeveless, but still. Also, we all know that I think Madi was in the wrong for manipulating P with the whole Fantasy Suite ultimatum. While I applaud her faith and values and standing up for them, she used her virginity to try and get her way, then left the show when things didn’t work out in her favor. Barb is quite the piece of work, but she could see what Madi was dishing out.

As I’ve said, this would never work between Madi and P. Barb HATES Madi. You can feel the daggers Barb is shooting from her eyes in Madi’s direction. You have to stand up for your wife and P looks like he’s about to burst into tears tonight being caught in the middle of his girlfriend and his mommy. There’s no way he could do this for the rest of his ding dang life!

CH tries to wrap things up but Barb can’t stop, won’t stop putting Madi down from the audience. CH- Well, you two will figure things out, right Mom? Barb- You have to fail to succeed! NO. SHE. DIDN’T. I haven’t heard a room full of people gasp like that since my wedding reception when my FIL toasted us by saying “You spend your whole life looking for the perfect person to love. In the meantime you get married.” Yeah. That happened. Don’t be jealous.

Back to ABC & the Bachelor hijinks…. Ok so to wrap up, Barb is completely unhinged. SHE’S THE MOM. It’s not her job to judge and openly hate P’s love. It’s her job to support her son. She can hate Madi all the livelong day but she should never let that show. I applaud Madi for saying “I love and respect P so I love and respect his family and you’ll never hear a negative word about them come out of my mouth.” That, Barb, is how you do it. I give Spider Eyes Madi and P a month before they implode. Speaking of… there’s no proposal on stage, no evidence even that they are dating. Way to leave us hanging ABC!

That’s a wrap on P & Madi. CH brings Clare out to promote her run as the new Bachelorette for a solid 90 seconds. They show a clip of her from her time on Juan Pablo’s season and it’s clear as day that she’s had a slew of plastic surgery. New nose, cheeks, eyes, chin, the works! I remember her from all her Bachelor appearances (Paradise, Winter Games, etc) and she is a hot mess. Can’t wait for her season to start! See you then BBs!!! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Finale Part 1

Y’all. We made it! We sat through hours and hours of a never ending train wreck of a season and we finally were rewarded with a season finale that did not disappoint!!! So let’s dive in!

Hannah Ann is the first to meet the parents. She arrives all emotional and teary and to say that the family falls in love with her is the understatement of the year!!! HA is the easy choice, his family points out to him. But Pachi is torn and tears up talking to Pachi Sr. BTW, who told Barb it would be appropriate to meet your future DIL while wearing a tube top??? Fire her stylist!!!

The next day Madison comes to meet the fam. She brings her pet spiders that live in her eyelashes. They are on ALERT today! Girl! GO TO SEPHORA. They will help you!!! Madi gets there and she and P sit and mumble for the LONGEST time about how hard everything is and how she’s a fighter and Madi says “I need to like feel confident and like at peace and like I don’t”. P literally asks her what’s the issue here? I want to smack him!!! I’m just watching the show and I know what the issues are. He’s LIVING it and still can’t keep it straight!!! Come on Pachi! DO BETTER!!!

Madi finally tells P she loves him. They go in to see his parents and have apparently been keeping them waiting. P and his brother sit down to talk and even Jack can see that P & Madi have WILDLY different lifestyles. Jack- You like to party and have sex and she’s a virgin. You mean to tell me you can give that up???

Meanwhile Barb and Madi are talking and they are also hitting on the same points of their vastly different lifestyles. Barb- Don’t go changing my Pachi! Then Barb brings up the Fantasy Suite “ultimatum”. Barb CLEARLY is not a fan of this. As she’s making her points, Madi interrupts (!!!) to defend herself.

Madi’s time with the fam comes to a close and P walks her out. He returns to a sobbing Barb who says “Madi’s not here for you. HA is an angel on Earth!” Then the whole family dog piles on P talking about how much they LOVE HA and how Madi can just pack her bags and go. Finally Barb speaks the infamous line “Bring her home to us” while crying. P is visibly exhausted and tells her “You gotta stop doing this”. Hmmmm me thinks this isn’t the first time Barb has turned on the waterworks to get what she wants from her son.

Gotta say, I find it quite ironic that Barb bashes Madi for her faith and convictions then tells P that God Himself sent HA for him. #hypocrite

The next day P and Madi take a helicopter to this Uluru rock formation that is apparently super spiritual and sacred. Afterwards they are sitting on the desert floor swatting at flies and talking. Madi is talking about walking away so P can find what he’s looking for. Swat. About how different they are. Swat. She doesn’t want to SWAT change him and they may not be the SWAT best for each other. Can someone turn on a fan or something to combat these flies??? Madi decides to leave so P walks her to her car and she leaves in tears.

I have to give her credit. She’s not smart enough to watch a YouTube tutorial on mascara BUT she does know they are worlds apart when it comes to their lives. I mean, she’s a super religious small town girl and he’s a LA pilot who loves to …party… wink, wink. She’d have to move to LA and be all alone away from her family while he’s flying everywhere. It would be extremely difficult on a good day.

The next day Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance to talk to P. CH hasn’t even shaved for this! And here’s P looking like he’s lost his girl, truck, and his dog in one day!

Later, HA & P meet up and go to a kangaroo sanctuary. I hope ABC donated some money to this place! They get to hold and feed and love on some baby kangaroos and this is the ONLY time I’ve been jealous of HA this season. HA knows something is off with P. P has all the time in the world but he never mentions that Madi is gone. Interesting. That night HA gets all dressed up and lights an alarming amount of candles to set the mood. P shows up in a hoodie. Nice effort P! They talk and HA does her best to reassure P that she loves him. P just sighs a lot. He leaves and that’s it for tonight!!!

Part 2 coming up soon!!! Until then BBs!!! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 10

Women Tell All

Before we get to the Women Tell All, we pick back up in Australia on the day of the Rose Ceremony following Fantasy Suites. And let me tell you, Peter looks HAGGARD!!! Chris Harrison asks him how he’s doing and P instantly starts tearing up. The man needs some rest. And therapy. Hannah Ann and Victoria are waiting at the Rose Ceremony but Madison hasn’t arrived yet. Madi finally walks in, dramatically late. And wearing a short, red dress to boot! HA gets the first rose. P then calls Madi’s name and Madi lets out this big sigh and hesitates just long enough to make everyone uncomfortable. P asks Madi if she accepts the rose and she answers with an angry “yeah”. P- You sure? Madi- “yeah”. So enthusiastic! Feel the love!!!

That means Victoria F is going home!!! Yay!!! She and P sit on a bench so they can say goodbye and he starts in with his goodbye speech. Vic- I don’t want to hear it. She instantly gets all attitude-y again! BYE!

Back with the girls, P gives them champagne and Madi makes a toast with zero enthusiasm in her eyes- “Let’s see if love really can conquer all.” P should be a bit scared of Madi (and her eyelashes!)

Women Tell All

Before we start I have to point out that Kelly wasn’t invited. And that’s just wrong ABC!!!

As per usual, Chris Harrison asks ONE question and the ladies erupt into finger pointing and name calling and tears and trying to shriek over each other to be heard.

Hot Seat

Kelsey is up first and she’s pretty composed and poised. Where’s the hot mess we saw all season?? OH!!! I know!!! I read that this was filmed BEFORE the next Bachelorette was named. Makes sense now! All the ladies are auditioning (unofficially) for the role of the next Bachelorette. Hence, no hot mess Kels. There’s much talk of Kelsey’s crying and of course Champagne Gate. Then Ashley I comes out and presents Kels with a humongous magnum of champagne that Kels cradles like a baby. My precious.

Victoria F is up next and she’s also calm and articulate. I’m shocked that she doesn’t melt into a puddle of vocal fry and tears! CH even asks her about her homewrecking reputation and of course she denies, denies, denies. Hmmm.

There’s a segment of CH & Peter crashing Bachelor watch parties with P’s parents in tow. That is until the last party when his parents stay in the SUV to make out!!! Love them!!!

P comes up to the hot seat next and they bring Vic up. Vic is still being all poised and calm and even goes so far as apologizing for her behavior! Then CH opens up the floor to questions from the ladies and Savannah asks P if he regrets keeping all the drama queens and sending home all the girls who were there for the right reasons?? Yay Savannah!!! He says he just followed his heart. Boring!!!

Bloopers are up next which are always so fun!

Then CH brings Rachel out. If you remember, Rachel was the first, and only, person of color to be cast as the lead in this franchise. They spoke about all the horrible hate messages and comments that POC get because of this show and their exposure to the public. The cameras keep panning to women of color on the panel and in the audience. I get what ABC was trying to do here but I think they missed the mark a bit. Neither CH or Rachel said the words “racism” or “racist” but that’s exactly what this is!!! I think ABC failed to really tackle this head on. I couldn’t help but tear up when Rachel read some of the comments and messages she and other women of color have received. I just can’t imagine being on the receiving end of SO MUCH HATE. How can people hate strangers so much?? I don’t understand that level of negative energy. I’m so thankful that none of my readers or commenters on Facebook have ever responded to one of my recaps with anything resembling hate speech. Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to get deleted, blocked, unfriended, etc. by me. These people are on tv but they are PEOPLE! And while I may make fun of someone’s dress or something they say, there’s a line I just won’t cross.

And after Rachel’s segment we got a sneak peek at next week’s dumpster fire, I mean, episode. I’ve never seen a Bachelor so tormented as P and I can’t wait!!! Until then my BBs!!! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 9

Fantasy Suites Week!

We start this week back at the airplane hangar where Madison is about to tell Peter she’s saving herself for marriage. Except she doesn’t!!! Instead, Madi tells P that if he has sex with anyone else on the show she’s out! P’s all like WAIT, WHAT?? She says sex is super important to her and her faith and all but she’s leaving out the most important part!!! UGH. BTW, Peter’s scar looks terrible. I’m getting a strong Harry Potter gone wrong vibe.

The gang heads to Gold Coast, Australia and I hope ABC made a HUGE donation to the wildfire relief efforts in Australia. Don’t film all these koala and kangaroos if you’re not going to chip in for their rescue efforts! Ok, getting off my soapbox now.

Madi gets to the hotel suite first, then Hannah Ann, and Victoria arrive separately. So wait, ABC is putting all the ladies in the same suite on FS week? That’s just soo mean! Can you imagine the awkward conversations they’ll be having post sex with THE SAME DUDE??? P arrives and he looks miserable. Probably trying to decide what to do with that info Madi layed down at the hangar.

HA gets the first date and they go jet skiing then chill on the beach. HA keeps telling P she’s really ok with him having sex with the other girls and it’s starting to get weird. HA: “I like totally like understand and like I have like patience for this like journey” KILL ME NOW.

That night at Fake Dinner HA brings up her “understanding” again! Ok we get it! HA reads the FS note and is all “Oh Chris Harrison! What a lil devil!” like she hasn’t been watching this show her whole life. They go up to the hotel suite and honestly, HA seems more excited about the hot tub than making out with P. Hey, at least you’re first in line! They make out errrywhere in the suite and recreate that foggy Titanic scene with the bathroom door.

The next morning I’m expecting to see P & HA wake up together but instead we are treated to HA’s return to the girls’ suite and the AWKWARD convo that follows. OMG! You look so skinny, girl! No, YOU look so cute! #vomit And the whole time Madi is sitting there with gritted teeth trying to smile.

Victoria’s date is next and she and P tour Gold Coast by helicopter then go hiking to a waterfall. As they are talking Vic says “We haven’t even fought today…yet” and P keeps talking about the “fight” they have in them and how they are fighting for their relationship and I think ol Pachi’s head wound is worse than we could have imagined because fighting for a relationship and a relationship that ONLY consists of fighting are 2 v v different things.

At Fake Dinner P is trying to deep dive into Vic’s feelings without actually asking why she’s such an alleged homewrecker. And then here we go, Vic starts up with the I donโ€™t know’s and the attitude and how she’s struggling and really trying here. Good LORT but I hate her so much!!! Every sentence ends on a high note like she’s constantly asking questions. Somehow she and P end up in their suite and next thing we know it’s morning and they are snuggled in the bed. Vic says she’s in love with P. WHY is he so into Vic?? He tells the camera he’s in love with all 3 and I die a little on the inside.

Vic goes back to the girls’ suite for more awkward convo. I find it interesting that at different points in this show they all wear cross necklaces. I mean, WWJD and all?

We finally get to Madi’s date. She and P suit up in harnesses and ascend by elevator to the 90th story or something of the tallest building in Gold Coast. Then they climb another few stories in the whipping wind outside of the building. The views are amazing but HELL NO would I ever!

That night at Fake Dinner Madi FINALLY tells P she’s saving herself for marriage and he visibly gulps. She then says she can’t say yes to a proposal if he’s had sex with anyone else this week and then 6 days later drops to one knee for her. P tells her that indeed, he has been intimate. But he doesn’t say if it’s with Vic (duh, of course it was) or HA, or both.

Ok so here’s the thing. In the real world, OF COURSE you wouldn’t want to know that your fiance had sex with another woman or two just last week and he’s proposing right now. That’s just gross. And ideally if you told your boyfriend that it’s super important that he keeps it in his pants this week, then he would. He would NOT have sex with the others if he really wants to be with Madi. But this isn’t the real world. This is the Bachelor. This is all about bikinis and making out and how close to soft porn ABC can get to show on the air during Prime Time. While I applaud Madi for sticking to her guns and her faith, she knew what she was signing up for. She HAD to have seen the show, right? She keeps saying “I don’t want to change” and she shouldn’t have to. But she can’t expect P to stay faithful to her on Fantasy Suite week without giving him all the pertinent information. It’s just not fair. You know that he’s been wanting to have sex with all three of them all season long! I personally think it’s gross that Fantasy Suite dates aren’t spread out over the course of a couple of weeks at the very least. But I’m not a producer for this den of inequity! Ha!

Ok, back to Madi and P’s Fake Dinner. Madi gets up from the table and walks outside to cry. P’s crying at the table then he goes after her. There’s a bunch of forehead kissing and P apologizing and begging Madi not to leave. Then she walks away from him. Is she going home? We won’t know until next week BBs!!! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 8

Week 8 is Hometowns! One of my favorite weeks each season because we get to see where all these crazies came from! The episode starts with a little video diary chat from Peter and BOY does he look tired!

Our first stop is Hannah Ann’s hometown of Knoxville. HA decides she’s gonna toughen up Peter to impress her manly man of a dad, so she takes P axe throwing! Who else sees another head injury in P’s future??? After an embarrassing attempt at some axe throwing, P pulls out a list he made of all the things he loves about HA. It’s not pink like her list was, but it’s pretty lengthy! HA gushes appropriately and we move on to the night portion of the date.

When P is there at HA’s house making small talk with the fam, Dad is stone cold silent. Not cracking a smile, not saying a word! He’s a tough one! P & Dad sit down to talk & P says he is going to tell HA that he’s falling in love with her. Dad- please just don’t. Hahahahaha!!! P looks concerned for a hot minute but as soon as the night is coming to an end and he and HA are sitting outside on a bench, P tells HA that he’s falling in love with her. Guess Dad didn’t scare P enough! HA tells P that she loves him. I believe she does but she is SO not ready for marriage! Doesn’t she still live there at home? I bet her bedroom is still pink for goodness sake!

Next up is Kelsey in Des Moines, Iowa. The wine capital of the USA!!! Kelsey takes P to a winery and that’s a BIT on the nose if you ask me. I’m not shocked in the least that their date revolves around alcohol! Mix it up a bit Kels! The two of them hop in a bin and stomp grapes to make their own wine (GROSS. I’m not drinking foot wine!!!) Then they have a wine tasting and put together the bottle of wine to take home. They are talking after and Kels tells P she’s in love with him. P responds with “That makes me really happy. Thank you.” and I know in that instant that Kels and P’s love affair is not long for this world.

That night P meets Kelsey’s family and man alive are these people BLONDE?!?! And they all seem to get the same nose job once they hit 18 years of age. Mom is super skeptical of P and the whole process. But really, show me one set of parents who isn’t skeptical!

Madison’s hometown is next so we’re in Auburn, Alabama. Mad and P meet up at Auburn University basketball arena. All of the electric display boards are lit up with their names and Charles Barkley even has a recorded message for P- treat her right! Mad and P run through some basketball drills and she’s really good. Way better than P!

That night at Fake Dinner with the Family, Madison gets the Special Plate. It’s this sweet tradition where one person in the family gets the special plate for dinner and everyone else has to say what makes them special. Mom and Mad talk and we learn that Mad is saving herself for marriage. AND P doesn’t know. Hmmm. Since this dude is basically famous for fornicating four times in a windmill…I’d say this may pose a problem soon.

P talks with Dad (who looks like a kid with old dude makeup on and is named CHAD). Chad asks P “Do you KNOW” if you’re in love with my daughter? P says he can’t answer that right now. Yikes. But then, not 10 minutes later P is telling Mad he’s falling in love with her!!! THEN he tells the camera I LOVE MADISON. That’s big news peeps.

We finally get to Train Wreck, USA. Also known as Victoria’s hometown. Nothing against Virginia Beach, VA but I am just so DONE with Vic. Anyway, Dumpster Fire, I mean, Vic, takes P to dress up and get Old Timey photos done. Then they go to a bar/restaurant where ANOTHER one of Vic’s exes is playing. I kid. It’s Hunter Hayes. But you know P was thinking it the whole time! The song Hunter is singing says something about I don’t want easy I want crazy and it’s as if he wrote it just for Vic & P.

At the end of their day date they say goodbye and go their separate ways. But then a woman calls out to Peter and it turns out she used to date P back in the day. AND she knows Vic. ABC is blurring her face while she’s talking for some reason. She won’t say much, just warns P to be careful and he deserves better than Vic and that Vic is responsible for breaking up a lot of relationships. Oooooh. Well, this doesn’t sit well with P. After a bit of Googling, your very own Shanny P.I. found out that Vic is infamous in Virginia Beach for breaking up marriages. ALLEGEDLY. AND she has been arrested for DWI and has 13 (!!!) traffic violations! NOT allegedly!!! For real!!! DUDE. No one needs to let her behind the wheel of a car ever again!

So that night P gets out of the car at Family of Vic’s house and Vic instantly smells the trouble brewing and starts asking him what’s wrong. They sit down to talk and he tells her what Marissa said earlier at the restaurant. Vic INSTANTLY starts whining and crying and says I don’t want to do this and gives P HUGE attitude and is super combative. All while he’s just trying to talk. AND she never denies it. She just asks “which relationships have I broken up?”. GUILTY. Allegedly I mean. I don’t want to get sued. But I gots to reports the news here. So Vic gets up and walks away from P. They meet back up in the street for a minute and she’s crying still and still giving major attitude. They hug and HE LEAVES!!! He doesn’t even go inside to meet the parents!

The next day Vic shows up at P’s hotel and apologizes, cries, yet never denies the charges. Hmmm. Vic tells P I just can’t walk away from you. P’s like, but you kinda do, like all the time. Bahahaha!!! Vic apologizes again and leaves.

Back in LA we’re in yet another airplane hangar, because ABC isn’t finished pushing the point that Pilot Pete is a pilot who pilots planes! UGH for the love of all that’s good and holy….we get it!!!!

Vic is showing off the boobs tonight in a plunging V. Holy smokes but I hate her vocal fry. Chris Harrison says hello to her and she responds with HIIIIIEEEEE and my ears bleed.

Rose Ceremony~

Hannah Ann gets the first rose. Then Madison. Then….Vic!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN???? OR are the producers forcing him to keep her around?? Ugh. So Kels is going home and P can’t even give her a good reason! Side note- it’s nice to see P in a blue suit with black shoes. Most of the time I see men wearing blue suits with brown shoes and that is just not a good look guys.

So we think the episode is over because P says goodbye to the women but then Madison calls after P and says she needs to talk with him. Dum dum dummmmmm.

And that’s the end my BBs! Next week- Fantasy Suites in Australia! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 7

Week 7 is in Lima, Peru. There are 6 girls left. P still has what looks like a flesh colored papier mache project stuck to his forehead. Next week is Hometowns. Let’s dive in!

Before we get to the dates, P visits the remaining girls in their suite to tell them, once again, that he’s serious about all this and that they should be too. They have a champagne toast then P goes back to his room to FaceTime with his mom. His mom calls him Pachi!!!! OMG! I’m dying over this!!!

Madison’s 1-1~

P shows up to Madi’s date and he doesn’t have the bandage on his head anymore. He points this out to Madi and tells her they are going fishing. Madi is a stronger woman than I because at the mere mention of fishing I’d be out like trout.

They fish for about 30 seconds before spending the rest of the date making out on the boat. That night at Fake Dinner Madi says she has something to talk to P about. Turns out she’s really religious and so is her dad. Then GIRL. What are you doing on this show??? Have you not heard of the Fantasy Suites? What will Daddy and the Good Lord think then??? Ay Pachi, she’s in a pickle! P responds that he’s religious too, but his faith could be stronger. Basically he’s Christian Lite. P then tells Madi he’s falling in love with her and gives her the rose.

Natasha’s 1-1~

Natasha and P spend the day exploring the city and frankly I’m bored. There is ZERO romantic chemistry between them and I think the only reason she’s made it this far is because he’s terrified of her. My suspicions are validated at Fake Dinner when P talks about how bold and honest Nat is but doesn’t give her the rose. Girl you deserve better. Natasha leaves with her head held high.

Kelsey’s 1-1~

Kels gets another 1-1 and this time they go riding ATVs and race each other up a hill on foot. I’m seriously worried a medic will need to be called in when they get to the top of the hill. Peter hasn’t breathed this heavily since he was in that Windmill! At Fake Dinner Kels talks about her dysfunctional family and I finally feel like I can relate to her a bit since she’s not cursing someone out or crying over spilt champagne.

Kels gets the rose so we’re going to Iowa next week!

Instead of a Rose Ceremony, this week we are treated to a 3 on 1 date. Kelley is SUPER confident Pachi will keep her for Hometowns and send either Hannah Ann (the child) or Victoria (the hot mess) home. And at this point, while I’m not crazy about Kelley’s showboating here, I have to agree with her.

HA & P go off to talk first. HA pulls out this list of reasons why she likes P and I’m instantly transported back to 8th grade. The pink paper! The Is dotted with hearts. HEARTS!!! You just know she’s been practicing signing her name as HA Weber. Geez, the girl IS a child!

Kelley & P talk next and he’s looking at her with such a flat expression. Uh oh, Kell, things aren’t looking so good for you. She mentions that she’s been having fun again and P doesn’t like that. Kell- have you not seen the show? You should be weeping right now and declaring your love for a guy you’ve spent 45 minutes with total! Not making level headed points and having reasonable conversation!

Victoria & P talk last. P says he’s confused still from their last 1-1 and Vic sayd “You really wanna use our time to talk about that?” and “You’re always in a mood” and the next thing you know they are squabbling AGAIN. Look, if you’ve been on 1 date with someone and you’re already arguing? That does not bode well for the future! Vic is, not surprisingly, in tears again.

P picks up a rose and walks Vic to a SUV and just as I think he has ONE brain cell rattling around in that injured noggin, he gives Vic the rose! UGH.

P walks back to HA and Kelley and tells them each what he likes about their relationships. Then he gives HA the remaining rose. This man makes NO sense. HA breaks down sobbing while P walks Kelley to the waiting car.

Kelsey, Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison remain. Can’t wait for Hometowns! See you then BBs! ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 6

We begin Week 6 just 2 days after we sat through week 5 and I think ABC owes us all a fruit basket AT THE VERY LEAST. I swear if this is 2 more hours of my life lost to infighting between the girls I’m going to throat punch Chris Harrison.

We are now in Santiago, Chile and I would LOVE it if Chris Harrison would ask these girls to point out their location on a world map. LOL good luck! Anyway, there are 10 girls left and Mykenna is STILL crying over there not being a cocktail party last week. Peter walks up to the group and asks Hannah Ann out for a 1-1 .

Hannah Ann’s 1-1~

HA & P tour Santiago on foot (which I still think is a budgetary cop out for the ABC producers. We need a dream date. Let’s make them walk around! Brilliant!) During their tour P finds out HA has never been in love and he shows concern over her young age. Oh LORT HERE WE GO. Look. Natasha is the only woman you have left who could balance a checkbook as all the other girls are still toddlers. You can’t tell me that you’re surprised a 23 year old has never been in love! She even says her longest relationship was 3 years and she cared for him but didn’t love him and I bet that’s because they were in high school!

Fake Dinner- P asks HA about her long term goals and she replies with “You only catch minnows in the shallow waters. I want to dive deep.” WHUT?? WTH is this jibberish HA? Of course, if I were in her shoes I’d have a hard time taking P seriously with that flesh colored maxi pad stuck to his forehead. P then asks if she’s really ready for all this and she’s all “Yep” but she’s looking worried because even my pug can tell he’s on the fence about giving her the rose tonight due to the age/never been in love/ready for this issues.

P walks away to think for a minute. HA scurries after him and blurts out through tears “I’m starting to fall in love with you” which is totally code for “Don’t send me home yet. I need more Insta followers!” P folds like a deck chair and gives her the rose.

Group Date~

The group arrives to the set of a telenovela and find out they will be starring in El Amor de Pedro. Kelley is cast as P’s abuela (grandmother) and abandons the script to make out with P. Mykenna is cast as the maid and crybabies about it all day UNTIL she gets to make out with P at the end of the day.

That night at the after party P tells Kelsey “We’ve overcome a lot”. Yeah. You’ve “overcome” Kels being a giant hot teary mess! P’s then talking with Victoria P and he says she’s more confident then he is in their relationship. And OMG! is he breaking up with her?? I’m so confused! It becomes clear that P is indeed breaking up with VP and VP flips a switch y’all. She goes stone cold and asks for a car service. P has to chase her to walk her out and she hugs him goodbye with about as much emotion as you’d hug that creep at work who’s always looking at your feet in an odd way.

Meanwhile Tammy has chosen a new victim- Mykenna. And that’s just mean. Mykenna is too easy of a target. She’s always crying and seems so fragile. Like a wine slinging baby bird.

Madison gets the group date rose, and I have to applaud her. You can tell P really likes her AND she stays out of the drama. Way to play the game sis!

1-1 with Victoria F

Vic F and P go to hang out with some horses. VF is playing the shy little wallflower again. I don’t like this act of hers. She sure isn’t a shy wallflower when it’s a modeling challenge! VF tells P she’s going back and forth in her head and all this is “hard”. Again, have you never seen the show?? EVERYONE says it’s hard when it gets to this point. Amazes me that these girls are shocked that he’s dating other women! Ugh.

Fake Dinner~

P says to VF “Why can’t you just let this be and not sabotage it. Talk to me.” and VF says “I’m trying I’m trying” and throws back her wine. I can’t hardly stand all the “likes”. Likelikelikelike sprinkled in their conversation like confetti. P- Do you want to be here? VF snapped her head around so fast and came back with “Of course. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” P tries to continue to talk to her and she says “OK I get it. I feel sick” and walks away. She goes into the restroom with a producer and just keeps saying I don’t know, I don’t know. She comes back to the table. P says “Nobody has given me so much so much grief.” and gives her the rose.

Back at the house another date card appears and it’s a 2-1 with Mykenna and Tammy. Frankly they are both getting on my nerves at this point. Tammy is a pot stirring narc and Mykenna is a weepy mess. But that’s beside the point. ABC- what is this mess? The 2-1 is BEFORE the cocktail party?? I remember when 2-1 dates were actually dramatic and occured in the desert or on an island! What a sham!

So Mykenna and Tammy go to meet up with P for their 2-1. Myk says to Tam “You made me find my damn voice. Kindness wins. Love wins.” She sounds like an after school special. P talks to Tam first and Tam lets the floodgates open. She says “this is me collecting information from Mykenna every day I’m with her.” OK. You sound like a psycho. Tam tells P that Myk packed her bags before the last group date.

P talks to Myk next with Tammy lurking in the background like a circling shark. Myk “I’m speaking my damn truth”. I swear it sounds like Myk just learned to curse and is trying out the word damn.

P rejoins Myk and Tam and says he trusts Myk and to Tam “can I walk you out”. Oooh snap. I would have sent them both home.

Rose Ceremony~

Uneventful. Sydney and Mykenna are going home. Which begs the question…why didn’t he just send Myk home during the 2-1?? Weird. Also, why are both Syd and Myk talking about themselves in the 3rd person during their exit interviews?? Shannon hates that!!!

Next week we’re in Peru! See you then BBs! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 5

We start Week 5 still dealing with the Alayah drama in Cleveland. Natasha says “She made her bed and has to ALAYAH in it.” GROAN. Basically Alayah was sent home, then brought back by Peter and all the girls are up in arms about it. Meanwhile Alayah’s boobs are THIS close to escaping that deep V she calls a shirt. All the sudden Peter pulls Al aside to talk and he sends her home! Again! How long was she even back? 24 hours? So weird. P comes back inside from walking Al out and addresses the group like a sad, sad, basset hound. Then he proceeds to apologize to every woman individually in their private chats.

Rose Ceremony #1~

Going home- Savannah (who?), Kiarra, and Deandra. Deandra is SHOCKED she’s leaving.

During the group champagne toast P tells the girls they are going to….Costa Rica! They have sloths there!!!

P shows up at the girls’ villa in CR with a giant slash on his head. He tells some crazy story about a puma but in reality he bashed his head against a golf cart roof while holding a glass. He then shattered the glass and cut his forehead with the cut glass! 22 stitches! Bahahahaha!!!! No, seriously, 22 stitches is nothing to laugh at but ABC is brutal and won’t give P a day off to recover! They slap some flesh colored bandaids on his head and send him on his way.

Sydney gets the first 1-1 in CR. Syd and P fly off in a helicopter (with someone else piloting it) and there are so many flying puns being thrown around here I may hurl. They stop to have a picnic in a meadow where P tells Syd she’s the best kisser. And he should know! In the last month he’s played tonsil hockey with over 20 women!

That night at Fake Dinner Syd tells her sad story. Not to discount what Syd’s been through but it all seems so formulaic. Fake Dinner-sob story- make out- get rose. Anyway, she grew up a mixed race child of divorce in Alabama where she says she at lunch in the bathroom stall every day at school. I’m not saying Syd isn’t telling the truth but according to the Snatchelor, Syd was pretty popular in high school and appeared to be on the homecoming court. Hmmmm.

Syd gets the rose of course and then they strip down to their swimsuits to show us some soft core porn by a waterfall in a grotto.

Back at the house Kelsey has apparently been crying ALL DAY because she doesn’t like it that P’s dating other people. Kels: “I love Sydney a lot. I think she’s cool. But she’s a dramatic f!@#$ing bitch.” FEEL THE LOVE PEOPLE.

Group Date~

The girls assemble in the jungle and find out they are going to be modeling (AGAIN) by this gorgeous waterfall for Cosmopolitan magazine and the winner gets to be on the digital cover of the March issue. Kels: “I don’t like competing with other girls for attention.” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHOW??? During the shoot, Victoria F kisses Peter and the other girls boo her! Ha!!! But, jokes on them because the shy little wallflower Vic F wins! Although it turns out she loses the cover because Cosmo finds out about a White Lives Matter racist photo shoot VF did in the past. Uh oh!!! Turns out the internet is forever!!!

That night at the after party, Kels is still all upset and she tells P she’s falling in love with him. Meanwhile Tammy is running around telling anyone who’ll listen all about Kels crying and drinking wine. Tammy decides P should know about the crying and the wine for some reason so she spills the tea to Peter in their private chat. Tammy uses the words “mental breakdown” and “drinking heavily”. P immediately asks Kels about it then Kels comes back to the group demanding to know who the narc is. Most of the women say something about her crying but no one will fess up. Hannah Ann gets the rose.

Kelley’s 1-1~

Kelley doesn’t seem to into the whole process, um, I mean, JOURNEY, and she arrives to her date with Peter in the most hideous pants ever! Red with white vertical stripes. Is she a baseball umpire? Does she work in fast food? Either way my eyes are bleeding.

They go into a hut and 2 shaman lead them in these cleansing and trust rituals. P’s taking it all seriously and Kelley’s like “check out that lizard, man”.

Back at the house Tammy and Kels are trying to hash things out. Kels is crying again.

That night at Fake Dinner P starts in on Kelley, wanting to know where she stands with him. Conversation is tense and a bit combative. Kelley swears she’s all in. I don’t buy it Kell. She gets the rose and they go swimming under yet another waterfall.

The next day Tammy is STILL talking about Kels to the other girls. Kels sneaks out and goes to see P. Kels tells P that Tammy is telling people Kels is popping pills(!!!) and drinking too much. P reassures Kels and they make out then P gives her a rose. This scares Kels to death because she has to go back to the house and now everyone will know she snuck out to see P because of the rose. P’s all like “don’t worry, be happy” and Kels is about to have a full blown panic attack. She gets back to the house and with shaking hands she tells the girls.

Later the girls gather for the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Chris Harrison appears and announces there will be no cocktail party. ALL the girls immediately jump on Kels and virtually tear her limb from limb because it must be her fault there’s no cocktail party. The popping pills accusation comes up in the group conversation and Kels says “I only take birth control and Adderall. ” Yeah, you’re not helping your case there Kels. Meanwhile every time Mykenna is on camera during the cocktail party she’s whipping her tongue back and forth and rolling it around in her mouth and it’s hilarious! I must be the only one who finds that funny though because all the other girls are crying, literally crying, over not getting time with P tonight.

Rose Ceremony #2~

P is standing there with the first rose in hand and Tammy interrupts him to talk. Then Mykenna interrupts Tammy! Insane! There’s no control here! Finally we get back to the actual Rose Ceremony and P sends Shiann and Lexi home. When Shiann hugs P goodbye she tells him not all the girls are (shocker!) here for the right reasons (just like on Colton’s season).

Until next time, my BBs! Oh, and next time is in a mere 48 hours!!! ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 4

We begin this episode with Chris Harrison (who knew he was still on this show?? He’s NEVER on air!) announcing to the ladies that they were traveling to…..Cleveland! Yayyyyy!!!!! Said no one! Seriously, they all looked at each other like he’d just said, well, Cleveland. I’m sure Cleveland is a great city but these girls were hoping to get their passports stamped! Clearly there are major budget cuts going on at ABC!

Victoria F gets the 1-1 date. Peter flies her to Cedar Point amusement park amid all her protestations of “I’m afraid of heights!” ABC has rented the park out for just the 2 of them. Then P is so excited because he knows VF loves country music and there’s a private concert with Chase Rice. I didn’t know who Chase Rice is before this episode and some Google diving, but apparently, according to VF- he’s her ex-boyfriend! WHOA!!!! And here’s P saying maybe Chase can sing at their wedding! BAHAHAHA!!! After the concert Chase and P are talking and Chase says he’s from Virginia “like Victoria” but P doesn’t put 2 and 2 together. Then VF goes and talks to Chase. Now she’s acting like they had a RELATIONSHIP but Chase is making it seem like it was a short term thing AT BEST. Turns out after some Googling that they spent 1 night together here in Charlotte. That doesn’t make Chase your ex, VF. That makes him your one night stand!

That night at Fake Dinner VF goes through all this dramatic hemming and hawing then finally tells P about Chase being her ex. P does not get it. He keeps saying things like “the guy on stage?” Get it together P!!! VF runs off crying (if it’s just a one off, why is she crying??) and P chases after her. She gets the rose, natch.

Group Date~

P brings 13 girls to the Browns football stadium to play football for his love. Winners get to go to an after party and losers go home. VP sits out because her back is hurting her (???) but I think it’s just so she can canoodle with P on the sidelines. This is one INTENSE football game. Deandra is throwing chicks to the ground!!! There are some athletes in this group! And then there’s HA who’s getting tossed around like a ragdoll!

The game ends in a tie so they all go to the after party. Tensions are running high because now they have to fight 12 other girls to get time with P. Shiann is talking with P when ALAYAH shows up! In Cleveland!!! How did she know where they are??? Does she have a tracker on P??? So Al interrupts Chiann (who is less than thrilled) and P just sits there stunned. Al tells P she and VP are FRIENDS. Not just 3 hour acquaintances like VP said. And that they went to Vegas together! P asks VP about it and VP starts crying but sticks to her guns.

All 3 of them finally sit down to hash things out but VP will only say “I don’t know what to say” and “my truth is the truth”. WHUT???? P asks Al to come back!!! Does this show not have any rules anymore??? It’s mayhem!!! Then P gives Al the group date rose!!! Al wasn’t even on the date!!! The other girls are pisssssssed!!!!

We break from all that drama for Kelsey’s 1-1 date. They are touring Cleveland. P calls Kels a “down to earth no drama person”. WHAT??? Does he not remember Champagne Gate 2020 from a scant 2 weeks ago??? This man has lost his damn mind.

He’s super into Kels for someone he knows nothing about. That night at Fake Dinner (the On a Boat Edition) Kels tells her sad story. Her parents got divorced. Welcome to the USA Kels! Join the kids of divorce club! P tries to commiserate by telling Kels his grandma and mom immigrated to the US from Cuba. Um…not the same P. Not even close! Kels gets the rose and says “No man has ever accepted me the way he has”. Good LORD men need to do better!!!

Meanwhile, Al has told everyone at the house about VF dating Chase Rice. When Al got sent home she had access to her phone and Google and she scored some serious hot goss.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party~

P comes in and welcomes the ladies and goes to ask VP to talk but before he can, Deandra and Natasha put him on blast for bringing Al back and giving her the rose and basically ignoring the rest of them. While I applaud them for standing up for themselves, this is not a good strategic move ladies. Y’all going home the first chance P gets now.

VP is all worked up over being caught lying to P and is letting P have it. So bizarre. Like those people who hurt your feelings then get mad at you when you tell them they hurt your feelings! Also, where did Mykenna get that GINORMOUS pearl barrette?? Are they in style now? Am I missing something? Please advise.

And that’s where the sadists at ABC have left us! We’ll have to wait until next week to find out if the remaining ladies have ripped Peter limb from limb! xo ๐ŸŒน

Bachelor Week 3

We start this week’s episode with Kelsey and Hannah Ann STILL crying over Champagne Gate 2020! Get over it Ladies! HA accidentally opened and drank some of Kelsey’s Idaho champagne and all hell broke loose. All the other girls in the house are sure over it!

1-1 with Victoria P. Peter takes VP to his hometown to a general store where they outfit her in a cowboy hat and cowboy boots. They then go line dancing at a country bar.

Back at the house Kels and HA are hashing it out. Tears are a-flowing and it’s scenes like this that show you how blown out of proportion drama can get when you put a bunch of ladies in one house and take away their phones!

Next we move into the evening portion of VP’s 1-1 date. They are having Fake Dinner in an airplane hangar because it’s been a solid 5 minutes since ABC has reminded us that Pilot Peter is in fact a pilot of planes. VP launches into a story right away about her childhood and how her dad died when she was young and her mom battled addiction so they were in and out of homeless shelters and VP had to take care of her sister. I swear it’s like the producers have them sit down then immediately cattle prod the women until they cry and tell their most sad story. Well, the story apparently has a huge impact on ol’ Pilot Pete because he tells VP that she’s inspired him more than anyone else in his life and I’m thinking it’s a bit heavy handed, but hey, that’s ratings for you! Not surprisingly, VP gets the rose. They then make out in a vintage plane and poor VP says it’s one of the best days of her life and I’ve never felt more sorry for her than I do right now. Raise the bar girl!

V v early the next morning, Demi and 2 women come in to the mansion at the crack o’dawn bearing feather pillows. They wake up all the girls in the house and bestow upon the group date girls lingerie that they are to wear to today’s date. Savannah gets a muumuu and Kiarra literally calls her outfit “LINGER REE”. Ugh. Our education system is seriously lacking folks. The girls and P go to a saloon and are forced to pillow fight each other for P’s affection. The championship round is between Alayah and Sydney who, shocker, don’t like each other. Alayah wins a crown and a kiss from P.

Later, during the night portion of the date, Alayah starts talking baby talk to P and I vomit just a bit. She snags P first to chat. After her talk with P, Sydney comes for Al and her “fakeness”. I personally can’t stand a baby talker, unless you’re talking to an actual baby, so I’m Team Syd right now. Although you gotta admit, aren’t ALL the girls in the house a bit fake? I’ve never seen so much silicone, capped teeth and eyelash extensions!!! Anyway, Syd tells P about how fake Al is and he doesn’t quite know how to handle this. So he puts Syd on the spot in front of the whole group and tells her to out whoever is being fake. Peter clearly wants Syd to be killed by a stiletto wielding pageant girl! Syd fesses up and says it’s Al. P gets up and walks away. Al starts crying and goes to P to plead her case, then turns off the tears when back with the group. Sydney gets the rose. I thought the saying went “snitches get stitches” not roses! You know Syd is in for it when she gets home to the mansion!!!

The next day Chris Harrison announces there will be no pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party because they are going to have a pool party instead! The girls all get ready for the pool party but 2 minutes later P shows up and cancels it! He grabs Syd for a talk. Then he talks to Kelsey who says Alayah puts on a show. Then Natasha says the same and on and on it goes. Meanwhile Al is talk, talk, talking to anyone who will listen about how authentic she is. Methinks she doth protest too much!!!

Al then pulls Syd aside and they fuss at each other. Meanwhile, VP tells P that Al told her to keep it a secret that she and Al knew each other before the show. P then confronts Al who KNOWS she’s screwed and comes up with the most flimsy excuses. You can tell she believes her own bull. P then leaves the mansion.

Rose Ceremony~ Kelsey gets the first rose so clearly P has forgotten all about Champagne Gate 2020. Mykenna is about to burst with anxiety over getting a rose, but she gets the last one. Alayah, Jasmine, Alexa (boooo, I liked her), and Sarah (who??) are all going home.

But wait! P is then shown talking to one of the producers about how he’s second guessing his decision to send Al home. No take backs Pete!

Ok, off to watch week 4! xo ๐ŸŒน