It’s Hometowns week BBs! I can’t wait to see what ABC cobbles together for this! It can’t be nearly as bad as what Tayshia & Co dealt with at La Quinta!
Michelle Michelle and Matt bike to an auditorium where her students are all on Zoom! It’s so cute! They ask a bunch of questions like “have you kissed” and “are you going to have babies?”. It’s v adorable! Matt’s pants are SO tight you can see his credit cards. It’s borderline profane! That night they meet up with Michelle’s parents and they are precious! Mom and Dad are super supportive and sweet and they must be protected at all costs.
Rachael Rachael takes Matt sky diving. How big is this Nemacolin property?!? Matt lands fine and then Rachael comes hurtling toward Earth at a frightening speed! She and her tandem instructor slam into the ground with Rachael hitting face first and her instructor landing on top of her! Matt runs over to her and your girl is picking grass out of her hair! She’s a little banged up, but ok overall. That night when Matt meets her parents and sister, Dad is v skeptical. They all are. But Rachael swears she loves Matt. In fact she really wants Matt to ask Dad for his blessing. That doesn’t happen.
Bri Matt and Bri go off roading in a Jeep for the day portion of their date. That night, Matt meets Bri’s mom, BFF who’s also named Bri, and Bri’s tiny baby (like newborn) sister! Bri’s mom is so young and gorgeous! Mom’s already preparing for heartbreak though! Bri tells Matt she’s falling in love with him.
Serena P For the day portion of their date Serena teaches Matt all about Canada and makes him eat cold, congealed poutine. They play ice hockey. Later, Matt meets Serena’s mom, dad, and sister. Serena has big, big doubts about Matt and her family spots these doubts right away. The next day Matt talks to Chris Harrison, who tells Matt he needs to sort things out with Serena. So Matt goes to Serena’s room to talk. Serena tells Matt he is not her person and goes home. Matt actually seems pretty broken up about this. The most emotion I’ve seen him show since Tyler came to visit!
Rose Ceremony Since Serena left, no one else is eliminated. Michelle gets the first rose and Bri gets the last (which worries her). Next week is Women Tell All and with how nasty all the ladies have been this season, it’s sure to be packed full of drama!!!Until then BBs! xo🌹
Welcome to week 7 of the train wreck that is The Bachelor!!! Let me start by saying I’m not going to address the racist mess that’s going on with Bachelor Nation here. You can read all about it if you Google anything to do with the Bachelor. Now, on with the show!
This week picks up with Heather’s entrance. She talks with Matt then joins the other girls. The other girls POUNCE on her!!! Guess they forgot all the “bullying” they were preaching about last week!!! Heather eventually starts crying and walks away. Meanwhile, Matt is outside thinking and speaking with Chris Harrison. Matt goes back in to talk to Heather and tells her she can’t stay and walks her out to her minivan. Heather is crying real tears over this and I’m like girl you spent all of 20 minutes with the dude. You’ll be fine!
Matt walks back in and apologizes to the women and commends them on their behavior! WHAT??? Clearly he has no knowledge of the brutal verbal lashing these women gave Heather a mere 10 minutes ago!!! Talk about toxic!!!
Going home, Chelsea (😭) and Serena C (YAY!!!). Finally the last of the mean girls is gone!!!
The next day the girls are all waiting to see who gets the first 1-1. At this point Jessenia and Abigail STILL haven’t had 1-1s. I don’t think Jessenia has much of a connection with Matt but Abigail got the first impression rose!
Serena P gets ANOTHER 1-1!!!! They go to do tantric yoga. Good gravy this is uncomfortable to watch! First you have this giant man Matt in cropped leggings and then you have self proclaimed hater of PDA, Serena, being forced to rub all over Matt. Cringe. Serena is NOT into it. Also, she mentions she is not quick to love. Then WHY are you on a show where speed is a requirement???
At Fake Dinner, Matt says he loves how honest Serena is about hating the date, then gives her the rose. So Serena is definitely going to hometowns.
Ok, this is weird. There’s no actual activity. They just all sit around taking turns talking to Matt. Boring. BUT we learn that Bri quit her dream job to be there with Matt. BOY, you better marry this girl!!! It’s a pandemic! Jobs are hard to come by to say the least!
When it’s Abigail’s turn to chat, Matt tells her he was so comfortable in their relationship that he explored other relationships. WHAT???? Men are straight trash. So he lets her go and walks her out. Abigail, you are too pure for this world and you deserved better!!!
Rachel gets the group date rose and Matt walks her out of the room and to one of those Bachelor special private concerts where they make out in front of a musician.
After the group date is over, Kit goes to Matt’s villa and tells him she doesn’t know if he’s the one and since hometowns are next week, she should know by now. So she goes home. Good on you Kit! You are too young to be on this show and getting married anyway!!!
Ok, so it’s the week before hometowns. This is your last chance before meeting the fam that you have to get to know this woman. So naturally you spend the afternoon drifting around a race track/parking lot in a muscle car. Loads of opportunities for deep conversation there!
Later at Fake Dinner, Jessenia tells Matt she’s falling in love with him. Matt picks up the rose and dangles it in front of her like a carrot and tells her he can’t give her the rose. SAVAGE.
Going home: PIEPer. OMG! I’m shocked! PIEper is so angry she doesn’t say a word as he walks her out.
Can’t wait to see how ABC cobbles together hometowns next week. At least they aren’t all at the La Quinta!!! Until then my BBs! xo🌹
Here we are at week 6 my BBs and what have we learned?? Matt, our bachelor, has the personality of a tortilla. And the girls who are vying for his attention are MEAN!!!
We pick up at the 2-1 with Jessenia (who I honestly don’t even remember being on this show) and mean girl MJ. Matt arrives and speaks with Jessenia first then MJ. MJ to Matt- My heart is so big. Peace and harmony!!! Jessenia to MJ- Listen MEREDITH. OOOOOH Jess brought out the proper first name!!! Matt sends MJ home with a sigh. I have the subtitles on for this show and it says “SIGH” under Matt a LOT. 😂
After the emotionally draining task of sending MJ home, Matt cancels the cocktail party and you’d think he’d killed a puppy with the way the girls are moaning and griping!!! Get it together!!! They skip right to the Rose Ceremony. Going home: Ryan (who’s sobbing is starting to make me feel uncomfortable- you’ve only been there like 2 weeks), Magi, and Brittany.
The next day Serena C decides she wants to argue with Katie about her “antics” stealing time from Serena and Matt. All because Katie brought up the toxicity in the house to Matt. Me thinks she protests too much Serena C! Sounds like you’re one of the mean girls Serena!! Serena and Katie scream at each other for a while and get no where.
Meanwhile, Miss Never Been Kissed Heather Martin from Colton’s season arrives. WHAT?!? She’s hell bent on meeting Matt because Hannah Brown told her they’d be a good match. Do people just not follow the rules anymore??? It’s a flipping free for all this season!!! Chris Harrison lets her come in and test and quarantine. I give up!
Pieper’s (no offense PIEper but I’m mad at your mom for that unnecessary E in your name) 1-1
Matt drives PIE out to the woods and makes her walk in the dark for a while until they come to a big switch. PIE flips the switch and a carnival lights up! Complete with rides and all! V cute.
At Fake Dinner PIE reveals that her parents don’t say I love you and that’s been hard. She then tells Matt she’s falling in love with him and he gives her the rose. They then go to one of those private concerts and slow dance and make out in front of a singing trio who’s desperately trying not to look at Matt and PIE. It’s just awkward.
Bowling! I mean. This place has it over the La Quinta when it comes to activities! No interns scrambling to come up with another way to use the meeting room here! CH comes in and tells the girls it’s a competition, of course. The winners get an after party. The pink team wins and the blue team heads back to the house.
Matt feels bad and invites the blue team to the after party. The Pink team is not happy. Michelle gets the rose.
The next day Matt plays a little pool with Tyler and gets a pep talk from him. Which is weird because Tyler didn’t end up with his bachelorette. Again, no rules apply this season!
Katie and Matt (who’s in yet ANOTHER turtleneck!!! What’s he hiding under all that fabric?? Has no one told him about a crew neck? Hell, I’d even take a v neck at this point!) meet up at the spa. I’m thinking oooh a nice romantic couples massage! But no, Tyler is getting the massage and Katie and Matt are telling Ty’s masseuse what to do to prank Ty. It’s kinda funny but puts Katie smack dab in the middle of the friend zone if you ask me.
Katie arrives wearing a PUFFER coat on top of a banker’s ensemble. Katie, sweetie, can you TRY to look like you want him to be your boyfriend and not your business partner in an Amway scheme? Oy. So Katie’s talking about her love story and how she wants it to be his love story and Matt’s just sitting there all stone faced. Sure enough he sends her home. Womp womp.
It’s the next night and Matt’s chatting up some of the women when Heather pulls up in her minivan dressed for her own premature wedding. She walks in, smiles at the gathered women, and bee lines it to Matt. She interrupts Matt and PIE (who leaves in stunned silence). Matt and Heather hug and is it just me or is Matt extra handsy for a guy who’s JUST now meeting this girl??
PIE walks back out to the group and she is PISSED. All the girls are SHOOKETH!!!
And that’s it for this week my BBs! Until next week! xo 🌹
Welcome, my BBs, to Week 5 of the Bachelor where we explore the lengths 20 millennial women will go to to earn the affections of a guy who kisses with his eyes open!!!
We jump in at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. If you remember, last week Katie told Matt about the toxicity in the house and how horrible, life ruining rumors were being spread. So Matt addresses the group and tells them he knows what’s going on in the house and it has to stop. He pulls Brittany aside to chat first and learns that Anna has been telling people Brittany is a sex worker. Next Matt chats with Anna and sends her home! Yay! Well, would you look at that, it’s the consequences of my actions!!! I love to see it!!!
Meanwhile, back in the group, the OG girls are falling all over themselves apologizing to the new girls. Victoria is wearing yet another odd dress. Her boobs are smashed into this loooooow cut bronze dress that has 2 HIGH slits and she basically looks naked. Vic pulls Matt to talk. During their chat Matt lets it slip that it was Katie who came to him last night. Matt leaves Vic sitting there.
Chris Harrison comes in and announces the cocktail party is over.
Brittany and Ryan get the first 2 roses and that sends a message to the OG girls that Matt likes the new ladies. Serena C gets the final rose. Going home: Mari, Lauren, Miss Puerto Rico, and ……VICTORIA!!! Girl, you lost your king! Victoria does not go quietly into that good night either. She hides behind the other girls until the end and then yells at Matt that she feels sorry for him. She walks out with no hug. In her exit interview she goes on and on about how she will be missed and how she brings so much joy to the house. Um, ok.
Rachael gets the coveted shopping spree 1-1!!!! Matt is wearing another turtleneck. Rachael ends up with bags upon bags of fancy dresses AND a pair of red bottoms! Yep, your girl has a pair of Louboutins!!! When she returns to the group an evening gown gets delivered to her. Ooh la la sassoon!!!
Rachael says she’s falling in love with Matt and Matt says the same. Rachael is looking gorgeous in her new dress! She’s one of my favorites so I’m glad she got this date. She gets the rose.
Matt, wearing yet ANOTHER turtleneck, takes the ladies down to a farm to do random and various farm chores and challenges. Not much happens except a lot of the girls are starting to have issues with him dating other women. I mean, you’ve seen the show, right??
Things are going per usual until Matt tells MJ that her name was brought up in the toxic house talks. MJ assures Matt that she’s all peace and harmony. MJ goes back to the group and immediately confronts the other girls. Jessenia says it was she who named MJ. MJ turns mean. Like watch your back, girl’s got a shiv, mean. States she’s owed an apology. I love how all these girls are doing all this petty stuff and saying terrible things but when they get called out the focus immediately shifts to “Who told?” Not the point ladies!!!! Abigail gets the group rose.
Kit goes to Matt’s villa and they bake cookies. She complains about how her life has been all red carpets and gold Bentleys and she just wants the little things. Turns out Kit’s mom is designer Cynthia Rowley!!! And Kit is only 21!!! WOW do I feel old now!!! Kit gets the rose.
The next day all the girls are gathered and a note is delivered from Matt. “MJ & Jessenia, I need to know the truth”. So now MJ and Jessenia are going to have a mini 2-1 before the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Little Miss Peace and Harmony (with her killer hair) says “Y’all wanna see me fight? Get your popcorn!” YIKES. Girl will CUT you!!!
And that’s it for this week! Next week Tyler comes to visit! Until then, my Bbs! xo 🌹
Week 4 picks up dealing with the aftermath of Sarah’s departure. The remaining girls, and especially Vic are trash talking Sarah. Katie steps in and tells Vic to stop the bad mouthing and Vic straight up says No I will do whatever the fork I want. UGH. I loathe Victoria. She’s clearly only here for drama and the producers are keeping her around. Vomit.
So we have to finish up a group date. Chelsea (who I really like) is trying to talk about her hair and the impact it has in a white world, but all Matt’s trying to do is make out. At least he has the decency to give Chelsea the group date rose.
Rose Ceremony and Cocktail Party
Vic shows up to the cocktail party looking like a drunk raccoon again. But this time she’s sporting a (hopefully faux) GIANT fur coat. I mean, I get it’s chilly up there in PA but you’re indoors! Vic is talking to Matt when Chris Harrison interrupts them (HA!!!) and takes Matt to the front of the resort at the end of the red carpet. All the girls notice this and are speculating that Sarah’s back. But no! It’s 5 new women! WHY??? Why add 5 new women to the pot when there are still 18 left and NO ONE is getting time with Matt because of drama?!?
The new ladies are:
Brittany, 23, model. The moment she walks up to Matt she shoves her tongue down his throat!!!
Michelle, 27, teacher.
Ryan, 26, Dancer/Choreographer.
Kim, 28, ICU nurse.
Catalina, 29, Former Miss Puerto Rico.
Of course the OG women are PISSED at this new development! Like, FUMING. Catalina walks into the room where all the women are and Vic straight up snatches Catalina’s crown right off her head! RUDE. BTW, why does Anna always look like she’s smelling rotted squirrel??
Vic gets a rose and it’s not even the last one! Matt always looks so pained when he has to give Vic a rose! Going home are Khaylah (boooo- love her!!!), Kaili, and new girl Kim.
The next day Ben Higgins arrives to give Matt advice. WHY??? Ben is not a success story on the Bachelor! I mean, he’s engaged now but he slid into his fiancee’s DMs. Whatever.
The girls will have to go through an Autumn themed obstacle course complete with rowing across a lake in a giant pumpkin, donning a squirrel suit to hunt for “acorns” in a leaf pile, and a foot race. Poor Magi gets stuck in out on the lake until the whole thing is over. Mari wins and she’s supposed to get a great prize but I never see what that is!
Anna and Matt are talking for literally 3 minutes when Brittany interrupts. This does not sit well with Anna. Nothing else of note happens during the after party, and Bri gets the rose. After Matt leaves Anna decides to ask Brittany in front of the group, and all of America, if Brittany is an escort!!! Anna swears people in Chicago told her to watch out for Brittany and that Britt entertains men for money. This rumor doesn’t appear to hold any water and Britt denies it right away.
Michelle and Matt are tasked to complete an extreme scavenger hunt where they zip line and ride in a tethered hot air balloon. The most fun part of this date is watching the balloon operator (I’m guessing) scrunch himself down in the basket so as to not be in the make out shot!!!
Michelle quotes Maya Angelou and Matt picks up on it right away. Good thing because it seemed like Michelle was going to try and claim that quote as her own. She gets the rose.
CH & Wells (!!! LOVE HIM) are there and they announce they will be overseeing a boxing match between the girls on the group date while the other girls of the house watch in a mix of horror and delight. The women go THUNDER DOME on each other!!! There’s more bloodlust in this boxing ring than in an MMA cage on a Saturday night! Matt finally stops the beatings and they all move on to the after party.
Our boy Matt LOVES to rock a mock. Turtleneck, that is! All the OG girls are being so mean to the new girls and Katie is trying to stand up for the newbies but the OGs are NOT having it. So Katie tells Matt about the bullying and name calling. She is v mature about it and doesn’t name names, just tells him to address it.
Week 3-This week picks up at the last Rose Ceremony where Sarah just faux fainted. Matt takes her outside and her claims of not being able to see suddenly go away with his jacket on her shoulders and his tongue in her mouth!
The Rose Ceremony continues! Victoria gets the final rose AGAIN! And again Matt looks pained handing it to her. Come on producers, let him send her home! Vic straight up looks like she did the walk of shame off a 3 night bender to get to the rose ceremony! Going home: Marylynn, Alana (who??), Illeana, Kristin, and Sydney. Honestly, apart from Marylynn, who knew these ladies were even still here???
Before the night ends Vic sets her sights on Sarah as her new nemesis.
The girls walk into a dark lounge area where Ashley I is reading from Chris Harrison’s erotic romance novel! Who knew CH was such a steamy writer??? So for today’s date all the girls have to write a scene from a romance novel about Matt and read it in front of a group.
Yes, it’s as awkward as you think. The girls read their scenes one by one and some of them have to get bleeped! Vic gets bleeped the most (of course)! The other girls from the house are in the audience and Sarah is having a really hard time wrapping her head around the fact that Matt is dating multiple people. HELLO??? Have you seen the show???
Ok so last week one of you BBs told me Matt kisses with his eyes open. This week I paid attention and you’re right! WHAT is he looking at??? SO odd!!!
During the after party, Sulky Sarah leaves the house and crashes the group date! Matt is talking with Katie when Sarah interrupts. She says she has to talk to Matt about an urgent matter. Katie rejoins the group to give Sarah time. This news does NOT sit well with the rest of the girls on the group date. The urgent matter: Um, like, I don’t like you dating other women. This is hard for me. UGH!!! It’s hard for ALL the girls Sarah!
Katie goes back to Matt & Sarah and totally sits down on the sofa with them! SO FUNNY and YAY Katie!!! Sarah is all put out like she’s supposed to be there! UGH. Matt walks Sarah out. BTW, Vic is wearing another interesting dress. It’s all tan with ragged strips of fabric like Janna of the jungle.
Matt comes back from walking Sarah out and ENDS the group date! Even though he hasn’t spoken to more than half the women! They are NOT HAPPY. Rachael gets the group date rose.
Serena P’s 1-1
Matt comes to pick up Serena from the group and starts to apologize to the group about last night’s group date debacle. But then he notices Sulky Sarah isn’t there because she refuses to come out of her room. So instead of apologizing he GOES TO SARAH’S ROOM!!! Which just validates her behavior.
Finally he makes it back to the group and he and Serena leave for their date. They ride horses to a picnic. While making out, a donkey comes up to them. Then a few more donkeys come over! Serena is loving it, but Matt’s not thrilled. As a donkey lover myself, I think it’s super cute!!!
Serena says she’s falling in like with Matt. He gives her the rose and they get in a hot tub.
Back at the house, Sulky Sarah rejoins the group. She apologizes to Katie then the rest of the women but they are NOT having it. Vic especially is throwing out vicious verbal barbs at Sarah. Such a mean girl!
The next day Sarah is still in her room crying. Katie comes in and talks to her. Sarah says she’s going to leave and tells Katie about her dad’s ALS. Katie tells her she supports Sarah going home to be with her family. Katie then goes back to the group and updates them on Sarah’s situation and tells them all to keep it classy.
Sarah packs up and goes to Matt’s little house to tell him she’s leaving. But instead of citing her dad’s health as her reason to leave she tells him she’s been attacked by the cruel and malicious women of the house. He walks her out and she leaves in tears.
And that’s it until next week when apparently 5 new women show up for some reason and it brings loads of drama!!! Until then my BBs! 🌹xo
Week 2! Finally we get to the dates and thanks to Victoria….the drama!!!
Bri gets the first 1-1 date and she is wearing a sleeveless turtleneck with another shirt tied over it diagonally, separating her boobs. It’s an odd styling choice, but I like Bri. She and Matt mount 4 wheelers and tool through the forest. At one point Bri gets on Matt’s 4 wheeler and he promptly wrecks it, throwing them both into the mud! Her poor hair!!! They ride to a hot tub in the middle of the woods and chat and make out.
Back at the house (resort), Victoria is NOT trying to make friends. She’s left to talk to producers because the other girls are quickly becoming tired of her!
Fake Dinner- Matt and Bri talk about how they grew up with absent fathers. Bri tells Matt her mom was just 13 years old when she was born. And now their relationship is strained because her mom is pregnant and starting a whole new family. Bri seems real and down to earth and gets the rose. They view some fireworks and make out.
At the house, the other girls are watching the fireworks too. Meanwhile Vic is making enemies. She decides she doesn’t want to room with Marylynn and would rather sleep on the sofa in the common area.
There are 18 (!!!) women on this date! 18!! How on earth is this supposed to work??? The women are told they are going to have a wedding day photo shoot (natch). Come on ABC, come up with some fresh date ideas please! So all the girls change into wedding dresses and stand in line to have their photos taken with Matt. While Mari is up for her turn, Vic interrupts her shoot and says it’s time for the Royal Wedding. UGH. She makes Matt take a garter off her leg and kiss her and his face is PRICELESS! He would clearly rather be anywhere else kissing his own brother than Victoria!!!
Thankfully Chris Harrison comes and interrupts saying now the girls will be playing Capture the Heart. A game with no real rules. Vic says “I think my team is a bunch of queens and their team is a bunch of GESTURES!” Bahahaha!!!! Girl, get your royal vocabulary in line!!!
The game is a free for all. Girls falling down, getting slapped in the face with paint laden strips of fabric, flowers, and purses. The ref is totally just napping! At some point CH announces the Red Team has won and the carnage is over. The gold team now has to walk home, but the red team gets to go to an after party with Matt.
At the after party, Vic is sitting down with Matt just saying the word like over and over. He finally interrupts to say “Can I walk you back upstairs?” I’m DYING! They weren’t even together long enough to get interrupted! Vic asks for a kiss and mauls his face with her mouth and I die a little inside.
Lauren gets the group date rose.
The first part of their date is a ride in a US Mail open air biplane! They don’t even look strapped in!!! I was so anxious for them! They land and go to a picnic and fire in the woods. Matt asks about her family and Sarah doesn’t tell him about her dad’s sickness.
They are talking and Sarah decides to tell Matt all about her dad’s ALS and how she quit her job in TV news to move home to be a caretaker for him. My heart! I just can’t imagine. ALS is SO very devastating. Matt is equally touched and asks how he can be a better partner for her (!!!). Love that! She gets the rose and they kiss but I don’t feel any electricity between them.
Victoria is dressed in a poofy sleeve ruched number that totally looks like Strawberry Shortcake’s recycled bridesmaid dress!!! My eyes!!! And her black bra is hanging out the back! Girl is a hot mess. She’s wearing thick gold chains around her neck. Her eye makeup is all smeared and she looks at the beginning of the party like she’s been on a 3 day bender!
Marylynn tells Matt she’s been struggling with this process. GIRL. It is week 2. This is going to eat you alive. Matt gives Marylynn some orchids and she is beaming.
Vic talks to Matt next and tells him Marylynn caused her to sleep on the sofa! Lies!!! Matt now thinks Marylynn is a bully! He pulls Marylynn aside to talk and soft spoken M defends herself. Marylynn then tries to talk and smooth things over with Vic who is having none of it. “I don’t want to sit next to you”. M says “I think we can come to and understanding.” V: “I don’t care to.” NIIIIIICE. Meanwhile ALL the girls are mad that Vic started drama that robbed at least half of them of Matt time.
Pieper gets the first rose. About 10 roses in to the ceremony Sarah stumbles off the stage and says she’s blacking out and can’t see and is seeing stars. Matt goes to her as does a medic.
And that’s it! To be continued…. Until next week BBs!!! 🌹 xo
The Bachelor, Week 1. I know it feels like I was JUST here talking about the Bachelorette 15 minutes ago, yet here we are with an all new Bachelor!
Matt James is the new Bachelor and he is a tall drink of water! 6’5″ to be exact. Matt is new to the Bachelor franchise. He’s from NC (represent!!!) although now he lives in NYC and works in real estate. Matt also works with kids. How exactly is he still single??? His dad is African-American and his mom is white. She visits him at his little house on the show and is it just me or does she look a LOT like Celine Dion??? My heart will go on!!!
Speaking of the show’s location this season, they are at the Chateau at Nemacolin resort in PA. Clearly the budget for the Bachelor is MUCH higher than the budget for the Bachelorette because this resort makes the La Quinta resort in Palm Springs look like a janky Motel 6 on the wide stretch of the highway!!!
So, we’re almost ready for Matt to meet the ladies but he asks Chris Harrison for some sit down advice time first. Matt’s height makes CH look like a wee elf!!! Matt says he’s never been in love and they talk about the significance of him being the first black Bachelor (ABOUT TIME!!!).
Limo entrances and first impressions-
1. Bri, 24, Communications Manager.
2. Racheal, 24, Graphic Designer. Stunning in her dark green dress!
3. Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist.
4. Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer.
5. Chelsea, 28, Runway Model. Wearing a V V strappy black dress and looking amazing! Even Matt says “she is WEARING that dress”.
6. Mari, 24, Marketing Director. Lots of marketing peeps tonight.
7. Magi, 32, Pharmacist from Ethiopia. STUNNING AND smart! Life is so unfair!!!
8. Carolyn, 30, Journalist.
9. Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist.
10. Kristin, 27, Attorney.
11. Anna, 24, Copywriter. Gives Matt a cute Bachelor survival kit.
12. Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate. Has too many Hs in her name. From NC (yay!). Pulls up in a vintage pick up truck. A stick shift at that! Kudos! And she’s drop dead gorgeous!
13. Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant.
14. Serena P., 22, Publicist. Brings with her a step stool since she’s just 5’2″. Cute!
15. Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina.
16. Saneh, 25, IT Consultant. Wearing Goat shoes. Like cloven hoofed goat shoes.
17. Alana, 26, Photographer. Wearing the same red, strappy dress as Anna. Presents Matt with a bowl of spaghetti so they can have a Lady and the Tramp moment.
18. Kaili, 26, Hostess. Walks up in lingerie! Just an open robe, bra, panties, and stilettos! She’s pulling a garment rack with 2 dresses hanging on it. Asks Matt to pick her dress for the evening. She’s smoking hot and clearly confident!
19. Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager. She was born deaf.
20. Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager. See what I mean about all the marketing??
21. Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator.
22. Emani, 25, Realtor.
23. Lauren, 23, Corporate Attorney.
24. Peiper, 23, Grad Student.
25. MJ, 23, Hair Stylist. Drives up in a beat up pizza delivery car. Gives Matt a pizza.
26. Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager. Brings a VIBRATOR with her. It lights up and buzzes. This girl is a whole vibe.
27. Amber, 30, Nursing Student. Rides up on tandem bicycle.
28. Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter. Inexplicably throws a GIANT fake fish at Matt.
29. Casandra, 25, Social Worker. Arrives wearing a football jersey with Mrs. James on the back.
30. Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer. Asks Matt “Can I put my balls in your mouth?”. Meatballs. GROAN.
31. Kit 21, Fashion Entrepreneur. Whatever that means. She’s wearing the only short dress of the evening.
32. Victoria, 27, Queen. UGH. She arrives by being carried by 4 men on a throne. Wearing a tiara, brought a crown for Matt.
I have to say, this is the most beautiful group of women I’ve ever seen! Most of the dresses are gorgeous too. The women are all gathered when Matt arrives. He LEADS THEM IN PRAYER!!!! Then he gives a wee speech. You can tell he’s nervous.
The cocktail party is pretty standard and uneventful. Until Mari and Matt are talking about how she’s from Puerto Rico. Matt asks some empathetic questions about her family and all of the natural disasters there. JUST as Mari is about to respond, Katie TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER with that vibrator!!!! GAG!!!! In the age of Covid you’d think people would be more sanitary!!!
Then Kit has JUST sat down to talk with Matt when Victoria walks up and says “Excuse me princess, but the queen is here.” GROAN. I already loathe this girl. And it’s not because she’s clearly drunk.
CH brings in the First Impression rose and all the girls go wild with speculation.
Victoria interrupts yet another girl to talk to Matt a second time. This does not go over well with the other ladies, especially because almost half of them have yet to talk to him!
Matt and Abigail are talking and I already love her. She’s got a personality! And she’s not ashamed of the fact that she’s deaf. Then….Matt kisses her! Yay!!! He comes back a few moments later and gives her the 1st Impression Rose. Yay some more!!!
Bri gets the first rose. Victoria gets the last rose and it’s CLEAR that she’s a producer save because Matt does not look happy handing her that rose.
SO Matt still has approximately 417 ladies left. 24 really. But this is a record amount to start with. Apparently women swarmed ABC with applications when it was announced that Matt would be the Bachelor.
Be sure to watch the credits scenes. This one is hilarious!!! CH drives the pick up truck away and he’s so proud of himself for knowing how to drive a stick!
FINALLY! Chris Harrison has been promising the most dramatic finale ever and finally ABC delivers! Well, sort of. But we’ll get to that. Now, settle in BBs because we have a LOT to unpack and this is a long one!
We pick back up in Australia where Peter is down to ONE lady vying for his heart. Madison self eliminated last night, so he has Hannah Ann left. BUT HA doesn’t know that Madi is gone! That’s quite the information to keep under wraps there, Pachi!
But before we get to HA & P, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison points out that Kelley is in the audience tonight! WHAT??? ABC are you punking me? Because first you don’t invite Kell to the Women Tell All, then you let her come to this? And what about the rumor going around that Kell and P end up together?? I’m so confused rn.
Back to Australia. HA is dressed in what can only be described as the ranch dressing of formal gowns. It’s so boring and beige and I thought it was part of a bridal lingerie set. Odd choice there, HA. Just before she’s supposed to go get engaged, HA collapses on her bed and declares herself emotionally drained.
Meanwhile P is pacing around in the desert in a full suit trying not to become a sweaty mess. CH appears and tells P that HA might not be coming. WHAT?!? Now this, this is the drama I signed up for! Bravo ABC! But really, is anyone surprised?? I mean HA IS only 12 years old. At that tender age I could barely commit to a choose your own adventure book, much less a full grown man! Next thing you know, CH tells P that HA is coming after all and I immediately suspect they only told P she wasn’t coming to spice up this dumpster fire of a proposal. Tell me I’m wrong!
Whoever told HA to wear strappy stiletto sandals to the DESERT needs to be shot! No one wants their heels sinking into the sand OR dusty toes! No one!!! HA hobbles through the sand and down the wooden boardwalk to get to P and I’ve never felt so sorry for her. Until 2 minutes later when P starts out his proposal speech to Hannah Ann by saying Madison’s name. OUCH. How romantic!!! P fumbles and bumbles through his little speech and he looks THRILLED to be proposing to his Plan B. Ahh, young love! You can tell HA was fully prepared to be dumped for Madi because it takes her a minute to grasp that this boring dolt is actually asking her to marry him. The ring is gorgeous though, so there’s that.
Back in LA, P stops by to tell his family about his proposal. He hems and haws and beats around the bush until finally Barb breathlessly asks “Who is it??” and y’all. Believe me when I tell you that this woman is WAY to invested in her son’s love life because her shrieks could be heard ’round the world!!!
A month later P & HA reunite in LA and it’s the first time they’ve been together since Australia. P answers the door and greets her and they settle in on the sofa and he looks about as excited as he’d be if he was about to get a root canal. What’s up P? P then tells HA he isn’t sure if he still loves her. Uh oh. HA- I would stand by you even if it kills me. Well, HA, be careful what you wish for cause things aren’t looking too good for you right now. And yep, P is actually breaking up with HA rn. But she is. not. having. it!!! HA- You took away my first engagement!!! Love that she says “first”. It’s like how I refer to CSP as my “first” husband. Let him have it HA!!!
BTW, the camera keeps showing Barb’s face while she’s watching all this from the LA audience and this is pure gold. Give that camera man a raise because not all heroes wear capes, BBs.
Back to HA & P- things are getting heated because HA has moved from shock to anger. HA- I said yes and I get this?!? And she waves the ring in his pitiful face!!! What a time to be alive! HA throws the ring at him and Barb CLAPS!!! I’ve never seen a man publicly disowned by his family on live tv and I am here for it!!!
HA decides to leave and for some strange reason they HOLD HANDS on the way to her waiting car. But when she gets in and he’s trying to talk to her she puts her hand up and tells him to LEAVE. I’ve never felt more alive!!! Who knew HA had all this fire inside of her?? I love it!!! Ok, sidebar. WHAT is going on with P’s pants? Why is he rolling up his jeans so high and wearing hiking boots? He looks like a hipster woodland elf!!!
Back in LA at the live viewing, CH brings HA out to confront P for the first time since the breakup. HA looks fierce and follows it up with words to match. P breathes and HA comes for him. The audience is totally on her side too. Not to mention, Barb! Way to go HA! I have to say that up until this finale I had hoped things would work out for P. He’s cute and harmless and nice enough but to withhold the information that HA was literally the last woman standing and his plan B, then to propose to her anyway??? That’s just gross, P. HA was right, there were 3 women involved in their engagement. Four if you count Barb!
CH gives HA the final word and boy is it a zinger! HA tells P if he wants to be with a woman he needs to be a real man first and I am DECEASED!!! If people still said “You go girl” I would have been yelling that at the tv! But they don’t, so please stop saying that. Srsly.
Now that P has been skewered on national television, CH tells P he has another surprise for him. P looks like he’s an inch from literally dying in front of us. I’ve not seen a man so emotionally battered like this. CH says he went to Auburn, AL to visit Spider Eyes Madison a few weeks ago. On the screen, we see CH visit Madi in her home. CH- P got engaged. LONG PAUSE. CH- but he’s single now! Dang, but CH lives for the drama! Madi says she made a mistake and would do things differently now. This gets her an epic eye roll from Barb in the audience. Seriously, an Oscar to this camera man!!! CH tells Madi it’s P’s dream to be engaged to her. That’s a biiiiit of a stretch but ok, CH. You do you. It doesn’t take any arm twisting to get Madi to hop a plane to LA. I don’t quite understand how being engaged to another woman is ok but having sex in the Fantasy Suite is practically a deal breaker to Madi, but whatever, I just work here.
Next we see a forlorn P staring into a swimming pool while Madi walks up to him. He’s genuinely shocked to see her. Back to the live portion, CH asks P if he still loves Madi. P- yeah. WOW knock me over with a feather! He’s soooo romantic. All these yeahs! Ugh.
Madi comes out onstage and we see Barb mouth “I can’t” to her porn stache wearing husband. Barb was sent from TV ratings heaven I tell you. Ok so wait. Madi and P haven’t seen each other since the poolside chat? What?? So weird. CH asks what’s the next step for P and Madi and P shoots a look at his mommy before answering. Cut the strings P!
CH gives Barb the floor and she starts out by saying she’s getting a LOT of love in her DMs. Hmmm. Then Barb spills some tea. Apparently a lot went on that ABC didn’t show on the day Madi came to meet the fam in Australia. Madi allegedly mad the family wait THREE HOURS before coming in the house to meet them. And when she finally did come in, Madi then told Barb she wouldn’t marry her son. WOW. Don’t hold back Barb!
Ok, so my thoughts on this. You KNOW production played a huge role in the 3 hour delay. I just can’t believe that Madi sat outside in the hot Australian sun slut shaming P for 3 whole hours. Especially while wearing that black turtleneck. It was sleeveless, but still. Also, we all know that I think Madi was in the wrong for manipulating P with the whole Fantasy Suite ultimatum. While I applaud her faith and values and standing up for them, she used her virginity to try and get her way, then left the show when things didn’t work out in her favor. Barb is quite the piece of work, but she could see what Madi was dishing out.
As I’ve said, this would never work between Madi and P. Barb HATES Madi. You can feel the daggers Barb is shooting from her eyes in Madi’s direction. You have to stand up for your wife and P looks like he’s about to burst into tears tonight being caught in the middle of his girlfriend and his mommy. There’s no way he could do this for the rest of his ding dang life!
CH tries to wrap things up but Barb can’t stop, won’t stop putting Madi down from the audience. CH- Well, you two will figure things out, right Mom? Barb- You have to fail to succeed! NO. SHE. DIDN’T. I haven’t heard a room full of people gasp like that since my wedding reception when my FIL toasted us by saying “You spend your whole life looking for the perfect person to love. In the meantime you get married.” Yeah. That happened. Don’t be jealous.
Back to ABC & the Bachelor hijinks…. Ok so to wrap up, Barb is completely unhinged. SHE’S THE MOM. It’s not her job to judge and openly hate P’s love. It’s her job to support her son. She can hate Madi all the livelong day but she should never let that show. I applaud Madi for saying “I love and respect P so I love and respect his family and you’ll never hear a negative word about them come out of my mouth.” That, Barb, is how you do it. I give Spider Eyes Madi and P a month before they implode. Speaking of… there’s no proposal on stage, no evidence even that they are dating. Way to leave us hanging ABC!
That’s a wrap on P & Madi. CH brings Clare out to promote her run as the new Bachelorette for a solid 90 seconds. They show a clip of her from her time on Juan Pablo’s season and it’s clear as day that she’s had a slew of plastic surgery. New nose, cheeks, eyes, chin, the works! I remember her from all her Bachelor appearances (Paradise, Winter Games, etc) and she is a hot mess. Can’t wait for her season to start! See you then BBs!!! xo 🌹
Y’all. We made it! We sat through hours and hours of a never ending train wreck of a season and we finally were rewarded with a season finale that did not disappoint!!! So let’s dive in!
Hannah Ann is the first to meet the parents. She arrives all emotional and teary and to say that the family falls in love with her is the understatement of the year!!! HA is the easy choice, his family points out to him. But Pachi is torn and tears up talking to Pachi Sr. BTW, who told Barb it would be appropriate to meet your future DIL while wearing a tube top??? Fire her stylist!!!
The next day Madison comes to meet the fam. She brings her pet spiders that live in her eyelashes. They are on ALERT today! Girl! GO TO SEPHORA. They will help you!!! Madi gets there and she and P sit and mumble for the LONGEST time about how hard everything is and how she’s a fighter and Madi says “I need to like feel confident and like at peace and like I don’t”. P literally asks her what’s the issue here? I want to smack him!!! I’m just watching the show and I know what the issues are. He’s LIVING it and still can’t keep it straight!!! Come on Pachi! DO BETTER!!!
Madi finally tells P she loves him. They go in to see his parents and have apparently been keeping them waiting. P and his brother sit down to talk and even Jack can see that P & Madi have WILDLY different lifestyles. Jack- You like to party and have sex and she’s a virgin. You mean to tell me you can give that up???
Meanwhile Barb and Madi are talking and they are also hitting on the same points of their vastly different lifestyles. Barb- Don’t go changing my Pachi! Then Barb brings up the Fantasy Suite “ultimatum”. Barb CLEARLY is not a fan of this. As she’s making her points, Madi interrupts (!!!) to defend herself.
Madi’s time with the fam comes to a close and P walks her out. He returns to a sobbing Barb who says “Madi’s not here for you. HA is an angel on Earth!” Then the whole family dog piles on P talking about how much they LOVE HA and how Madi can just pack her bags and go. Finally Barb speaks the infamous line “Bring her home to us” while crying. P is visibly exhausted and tells her “You gotta stop doing this”. Hmmmm me thinks this isn’t the first time Barb has turned on the waterworks to get what she wants from her son.
Gotta say, I find it quite ironic that Barb bashes Madi for her faith and convictions then tells P that God Himself sent HA for him. #hypocrite
The next day P and Madi take a helicopter to this Uluru rock formation that is apparently super spiritual and sacred. Afterwards they are sitting on the desert floor swatting at flies and talking. Madi is talking about walking away so P can find what he’s looking for. Swat. About how different they are. Swat. She doesn’t want to SWAT change him and they may not be the SWAT best for each other. Can someone turn on a fan or something to combat these flies??? Madi decides to leave so P walks her to her car and she leaves in tears.
I have to give her credit. She’s not smart enough to watch a YouTube tutorial on mascara BUT she does know they are worlds apart when it comes to their lives. I mean, she’s a super religious small town girl and he’s a LA pilot who loves to …party… wink, wink. She’d have to move to LA and be all alone away from her family while he’s flying everywhere. It would be extremely difficult on a good day.
The next day Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance to talk to P. CH hasn’t even shaved for this! And here’s P looking like he’s lost his girl, truck, and his dog in one day!
Later, HA & P meet up and go to a kangaroo sanctuary. I hope ABC donated some money to this place! They get to hold and feed and love on some baby kangaroos and this is the ONLY time I’ve been jealous of HA this season. HA knows something is off with P. P has all the time in the world but he never mentions that Madi is gone. Interesting. That night HA gets all dressed up and lights an alarming amount of candles to set the mood. P shows up in a hoodie. Nice effort P! They talk and HA does her best to reassure P that she loves him. P just sighs a lot. He leaves and that’s it for tonight!!!