Bachelorette Week 7

Week 7. I swear ABC, this week had better be more substantial than last week’s debacle! So we’re in Riga, Latvia (I have no idea where that is. Gotta Google!). We start with Garrett’s 1-1. They meet up in the forest and walk towards a river. Then 2 naked people fall from the sky. The naked people tell them it’s a Latvian thing to bungee jump naked from a cable car over a river. In the snow. Not the ideal situation for the guy amirite??
So Alabama Hannah and Garrett strip down and get strapped to each other and jump out of the cable car. And props to them because you would not catch me doing that! But they keep talking about trusting each other before they jump and I’m like you better trust the guys who rigged up this contraption!!! After the jump there’s a shot of AH’s bra floating down the river! Ha!
That night at Fake Dinner AH shows up wearing this horrific pink fur (better be faux) jacket and sparkly pants. She’s so up and down with her fashion choices this season! They talk and he says he’s going to be all open and vulnerable and tell her about a major hardship and get your hankies ready because he had to….give up football because he hated it. WHAT??? THAT’S the hardest thing you’ve been through?? Ugh. Miss Red Nose gives Garrett the rose and that’s that.
Next up is the group date. Production has totally checked out because they just all walk around Riga market eating weird food and doing shots of moonshine! Meanwhile, Luke is STEWING over the whole naked bungee jumping thing. How dare AH do something fun and a little risque with another man?!?
That night AH redeems herself fashion wise and arrives in this hot, slinky, silver number slit up to there! She makes quit work of jumping on and straddling Tyler while they make out.
Later Luke confronts AH about the naked 1-1 with Garrett. He calls her decision “boneheaded” and I’m FUMING. WHY is he still here??? He’s a neanderthal!!!!
Tyler gets the rose.
Peter’s 1-1 is next and it’s about time he got a 1-1! He’s the sweetest, most positive guy there besides Mike. So AH & Peter go to some mud hut spa of sorts where a Latvian couple organize their date. First they get slapped with branches and the Latvian woman sings. Then they concoct a body scrub mixture they never use. The whole thing is odd. The Latvian couple lead AH & Peter to a sauna where they shake branches at them then leave AH & P to make out. Peter gets really handsy! Who knew he had such a naughty side?? They finish up the day date in a hot tub. That night at Fake Dinner Peter gets the rose.
Peter goes back to the hotel and is telling everyone about their date when Jed slips out to serenade AH. I am so tired of Jed (who seems like a nice guy) singing. He’s really milking this opportunity to showcase his mild talent! AH invites him in and he sings some more then they make out & Jed tells her he’s falling in love with her.
Back at the hotel Garrett & Luke are arguing again and someone please shoot me if they utter the phrase “stay in your lane” one more time. Dang!!! Luke just won’t shut up with his nonsense but Garrett gets the last word with “Sweet dreams Luke”. Ha!
The next day AH comes to the guys’ room and pulls Luke out to talk to him about his toxic behavior. Luke’s talking in circles again and spouting his BS “IF I said that”. YOU SAID IT!!! UGH!!!
Luke goes back to the hotel room and gets into it with all the guys. Chris Harrison appears and tells them there’s no cocktail party tonight and to get dressed for the rose ceremony. Everyone shoots daggers at Luke.
Rose Ceremony- Why are so many of the guys wearing high water pants and no socks?? Is this a trend?? Dylan and Dustin get sent home- casualties of the whole Luke problem. AH barely spoke a word to either of them! Luke gets the last rose and I want to throw something at the tv! WHY???
Chris Harrison feels my pain and asks AH WHY?? She says she’s either falling in love with Luke or he’s driving her crazy! HOW could you fall in love with such a jackass???
I. Can’t. I just can’t with her. Until next week my bbs. xo🌹

Bachelorette Week 6

Week 6- We start out back on Luke P’s 1-1 date where Alabama Hannah has just told him she can’t give him the rose. LP says “My bad, let’s move on” and I about spit out my drink! He is such a psychopath robot I just can’t get over it! LP says he respects AH’s decision but he sooo doesn’t and just keeps talking in circles. LEAVE YOU NUT JOB!!! Finally he walks out…but then he comes back!!! Is it just me or is a restraining order in AH’s future??
Cut to the rest of the guys wishing, hoping, and praying that LP never darkens their door again, when sure enough, LP’s steroid ridden crazy ass shows back up, sans rose. AH didn’t give him the rose but she’s letting him stay until at least the next rose ceremony.
The next day is the cocktail party and rose ceremony and AH shows up wearing a white dress with a slit up to THERE and one of Liberace’s cream jackets with shoulders so big and sharp they are dangerous! Doesn’t AH, or at least ABC’s stylist, know you don’t mix white and cream?? Anyway, Garrett grabs AH to talk first and he spends his time grilling her about her 1-1 with LP. Garrett, don’t you know that’s the quickest way to splitsville is talking about the other guys?? Ugh. I swear it’s like no one has seen the show! After their talk Garrett comes back to the group and calls out LP. All the other guys jump on LP’s case like starved hyenas on steak and it gets loud. AH hears all the commotion and walks in yelling “Stop!!!”. Then she takes a mini Q & A about LP. She finishes up by chastising all the guys and good for her. AH tells them they don’t know anything about her and seriously?? We’re in week 6 and the guys STILL aren’t taking their heads out of their asses long enough to get to know the actual forking Bachelorette?? Insane!!!
AH leaves the room and the guys start back up again like they didn’t just get chewed out. It’s like LP can’t help himself. He just will not shut up!!! He talks in circles and lies and lies. AH comes back again and declares that she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. LP is STILL talking.
AH leaves the room to cry in her champagne in the hallway and Chris Harrison shows up to comfort her. CH- It’s your party. AH- The party’s over. And I guess it is because all the sudden it’s time for the rose ceremony.
Rose Ceremony- AH give Luke the last rose and I vomit a little. Going home- Grant, Kevin, and Dylan? Devin? Who knows?!?
There’s no champagne toast and announcement of where they are going to next. Just a harsh scolding from AH and good on her for giving them the what for!
Next thing you know we’re in Latvia. The guys are all walking around the city of Riga while AH & CH are chatting in a cafe. AH is crying again and is just so frustrated and I can totally understand why. Sort of. I do NOT understand what she sees in LP and why she’s keeping him around. But she’s feeling really defeated by the whole process, I mean journey.
All the sudden we’re in LA watching a segment that was clearly filmed post production. AH & CH are sitting together in the mansion and WHAT??? They start reviewing the season!!! WHY? Does ABC think I’m so wine drunk I can’t remember what happened 5 ding dang minutes ago??? And that’s it! That’s the whole show! They spend the rest of the 2 hours re-running clips from the previous 5 episodes! UGH!!! Oooh, except, CH asks AH who’s the best kisser and she says Luke! Gag!!!
The rest of the season looks good and it looks like I called it when I predicted psycho Luke was the one who slut shames AH. Why am I not surprised?!?
Until next week my BBs!!! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 5

Week 5- We pick up with Alabama Hannah pulling both Lukes aside to get them to talk it out. Like that’s going to go well! Oh, Han, you poor naive thing!!! So they all sit down and the Lukes are just talking over each other and AH is sitting there with this glazed look on her face. It’s all maddening to watch. She finally gets up and leaves the room and the next thing you know Chris Harrison ends the cocktail party and calls everyone in for the rose ceremony. Because of all the Luke P/S drama, most of the guys don’t get to talk to AH so they are all up in arms.
Just as AH is about to hand out the first rose, Luke S interrupts her and pulls her aside. He tells her to be careful then leaves!!! Didn’t see that coming!!! Then CH surprises me by taking a rose away from the pile! They are really trimming the fat tonight! JPJ and Matteo (who??? I had to look him up online to find out who he was cause I couldn’t place his face!!!) get sent home. Maybe now JPJ will have time to wash his hair.
I am gobsmacked that Luke P gets a rose. Either AH is insane or the producers made her do it. When they are all drinking their champagne LP tries to make a toast and it just falls FLAT because not a single guy likes him. Even AH looks over him.
AH & the guys head to Scotland where the guys are staying in this amazing estate. They are all in a pub in town having a pint when AH shows up. She declares she doesn’t want any more drama (good luck with that!) and takes Mike out for a 1-1 date. He’s all smiles and they tour the town, drink some whiskey and eat haggis (GROSS). At Fake Dinner that night, Mike says he hasn’t been in love for “half a decade”. Uh ok, that’s just 5 years. Settle down. It’s cute how nervous he is though.
Cut to the estate where the group date card is being read. Luke P isn’t on the group date card so he’s getting a 1-1. He says ” After this I’ll find out if I really want to be here or not.” Ummm, didn’t you practically profess your love on the first date??? And now you don’t know if you want to be here or not?? Upon hearing this, one of the guys calls LP a “Douche Canoe” !!!! Hilarious!!!!
Back to Fake Dinner- Mike says he can see himself proposing so of course he gets the rose.
The next day is the group date at a castle where they are competing in the classic Celtic Highland Games. The guys are all visibly relieved to be out of the house without Psycho LP. The guys are all dressed in kilts and NONE choose to keep on their undies. So there are lots of black boxes flying across my screen trying to keep the guys’ junk under wraps! Tyler wins the axe throwing competition. Then there’s a race where they have to carry milk in buckets. Jed pours the milk all over himself and AH finds that to be hot but who wants to smell like milk??? Then they all wrestle each other but Jed says he wants to wrestle AH. Just an excuse to get her on the ground where he steals a kiss. It’s announced that somehow Jed wins the whole games (which I don’t get, but ok).
That night at the after party AH is a little horndog!!! FIrst she is straddling Jed while wearing this bronze lame` skintight dress. Jed’s grabbing some serious ass. Then she’s making out with Peter (who keeps forgetting he’s MY boyfriend) on a pool table. I can’t keep count with everyone she’s playing tonsil hockey with. Jed gets the rose.
Luke P’s 1-1 is next. Before he leaves he tries to joke with the guys but they aren’t having it. Garrett tells LP to not talk about any of them on his date. LP meets up with AH and they have a fake picnic on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It’s really quite beautiful and I hate it’s wasted on the empty soulless shell that is Luke P. His blank stares just creep me out to no end!!! And he’s SUCH a liar. AH is going to KICK herself when she watches this season back. She’s trying to talk to him and get him to express his emotions but she’s saying some weird things like “do you like spaghetti or macaroni and cheese more”? WHAT???? LP tells her “everyone loves me” and he has no idea why all the guys hate him. He talks in circles with no substance. That night at Fake Dinner I can’t believe when he actually says to AH “I’m not getting the real you. I’m not trying to blame you”. Oh that’s good to know LP. Write your ticket home. AH tells him she can’t give him the rose and his dead psycho eyes just stare back at her in utter shock.
Next week AH apparently goes into the ugly cry because someone messed up big time. But who?? And why is LP still here???? So. Many. Questions!!!
Until then my BBs….xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 4

Week 4 is upon us and we’re down to 15 guys. Chris Harrison makes an appearance to tell the guys they are getting out of the mansion and heading to Rhode Island and you’d think CH just gave everyone first class tickets to Bali the way these guys were hooting and carrying on. It’s Rhode Island. Simmer down.
Jed gets the first 1-1 and it’s in Boston. Wait, what? Is there NOTHING to do in RI? And if so, why didn’t they just stay in Boston? Is the budget that tight ABC, that you can’t spring for a Hampton Inn in Boston? Weird. Anyway, Jed and Alabama Hannah walk around Boston and hold up. I have to say something about AH’s studded, spikey leather jacket. She’s really into leather this season. Maybe it’s just me but I would think that a studded, spikey jacket would make it hard & a wee bit painful to cuddle?? Ok, back to this date. Jed & AH tour the city with AH spouting fake historical tidbits. The poor girl didn’t even have a firm grasp on the Boston tea party! Yikes. Just when I am starting to think their entire date is just one big Halo Top commercial, they go and play basketball with a couple of the Boston Celtics. One of the players sits down with AH and gives her relationship advice, which is pretty funny considering the reputation most NBA players have for NOT being monogamous.
That night at fake dinner the food looks awfully shiny. Is it plastic? Wait a second, is Jed really saying that the show is a huge platform for his music right now??? DUDE. You can think that all you want but you don’t come right out and say it! Haven’t you seen this show? You’re supposed to be here for the “right reasons”!!! Pity, I was really liking them together. They seem to really like each other and get along great and are comfortable together. But then, AH completely surprises me and thanks Jed for his honesty!!! WHAT?!? AND he gets the rose! I’m gobsmacked.
The next day is a group date and the guys are playing rugby today at a fort. Rugby is a rough sport to say the least. No pads. No helmets. No time outs. Just a mouth guard and more brutal physical contact than these pretty boys have seen in months! The guys have all turned into insane primal animals with all the screaming and grunting. Someone is gonna get hurt. Sure enough Kevin takes a hit and dislocates his shoulder and AH is practically drooling over his pain. She’s gone equally insane- yelling for blood, sweat and tears. Luke P is playing dirty and he body slams Luke S into the ground then knees him in the face. This is the most camera time Luke S has had all season so I’m just now noticing that he reminds me a lot of Chucky from the Rugrats, minus the red hair and glasses.
That night at the cocktail party, AH shows up wearing this heinous silver satin suit with no shirt underneath so she’s clearly taped in. The big topic of conversation amongst the group is Luke v. Luke. Luke P flat out lies to AH about Luke S’s intentions, saying he’s just there to promote his liquor business. Aren’t they all though? Luke P can not keep his lies straight about the body slam and knee in the face. But even though Luke S defends himself to AH, you can tell she’s got something going for Luke P and Luke S is not long for the Bachelor world. Somehow Garrett ends up with the rose.
The next day is Tyler C’s 1-1 and he shows up to find AH weeping on a dock. Like snotty nose crying. She even tells the camera her strongest feelings are for psycho Luke P. I feel like slapping her back to reality.
Tyler gives AH a pep talk and they go out on a lobster boat. Ty keeps her laughing and it’s really sweet. That night Tyler shows up for dinner in pants so tight you can read his debit card number through them. He gets the rose.
The next night is the Rose Ceremony and cocktail party. My boyfriend Peter is just so cute I can’t stand it! He asks AH to be his girlfriend and it is so sweet that I allow it, even though I claimed Peter for myself back in week 1. Sigh. I’m so generous. AH’s hair is a hot mess tonight, all in her face and what not.
ALL the guys are hating on Luke P (and with good reason). Mike confronts LP, who has this slack jawed open mouthed psycho stare that is seriously giving me the chills and he’s sitting there with his little fist all clenched. Crazy. Eyes. And he’s SUCH a lying liar who lies to AH and the guys and America.
AH pulls both Lukes aside for a big talk and my pen is poised to take notes but we are ROBBED because it’s the end of the episode!!! Dammit ABC!!! We have to wait until next week for the Rose Ceremony. You know Luke S is going home, along with a couple randos. We shall see! Until next week BBs, xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 3

Week 3 starts out with a group date where the guys are going to learn all about pregnancy and childbirth! This should be good. These guys have no idea about the pains of a woman- they use more hairspray than I do! Tyler C says “the belly gets bigger and bigger and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier.” OMG I can’t with him. The guys take an anatomy quiz & Cam thinks that gestation for a HUMAN woman is 2 weeks. Sharp as a bowling ball there Cam. The guys are then hooked up to machines that simulate labor pains and it’s the best tv I’ve seen in a few days. JPJ is pretty hilarious although I can’t help but think most of his reactions are for show.

That night at the cocktail party the guys are all still mad at Cam for crashing their group date last week. Meanwhile Cam’s complaining about not getting any time with Alabama Hannah. Cam tries to interrupt Mike twice but Mike is not having it. Then Cam sits down with AH and Jonathan interrupts like 30 seconds later. Too funny. The whole time JPJ is just MONCHING on some chicken nuggets. What is with the chicken nuggets this season???

Next up is Connor’s 1-1. But it’s canceled and Chris Harrison doesn’t even bother to come tell Connor! CH can’t be bothered with this trivial stuff! So apparently AH passed out (from being so hungover is my guess!) and went to the hospital for fluids. So she invites Connor over to her hotel suite to chill out and honestly it’s about the best date ABC has orchestrated because they can actually talk! Connor brings flowers, a card, and chicken soup and it’s v sweet. They chat and make out (after AH tells Connor she’s not contagious) then AH kicks him out so she can nap. Yay for her! Later AH finds that Connor has left post it notes all over the room for her to find that list all the things he loves about her. V sweet again!

That night Connor is at the mansion with the other guys when a limo pulls up and the driver tells Connor he has 15 minutes to look sharp. Connor is taken to meet up with AH who gives him the rose then they dance to a private concert.

The next day is another group date and we find out that Tyler G (WHO???) left! But no reason is given and after some Shanny PI sleuth work I couldn’t find any info either. I HAVE QUESTIONS ABC!!!!

For this group date ABC is pimping out The Secret Life of Pets 2 (which is interesting since it’s not a Disney film and Disney owns ABC). The guys have to do a photo shoot with animals! SO fun! There’s a pig and a mini horse and lots of dogs, etc. Demi’s back to secretly watch the guys with 2 hired actors to see if anyone is shady. One of the actors is an animal handler and the other is a makeup artist. They are both super flirty but no one falls for it. Smart boys! Demi has the best line of the episode “Grant looks scared. That snake is bigger than his own.” HA!!!

So the entire photo shoot Luke P is acting like he’s never even seen the show before and is low key pissed that AH is kissing on other guys. He gets SUPER clingy and upset and is following AH all around the photo shoot. AH is not having it. She’s totally acting like a girl who made out hardcore with a dude the night before when she was drunk then sobered up and realized her mistake. Oh wait, that’s exactly what happened!

That night AH pulls Luke P aside and tells him to slow his roll. Luke then tells the camera “I’m going to act like that conversation never even happened.” Luke P- a pillar of respect for women! Not a stalker at all! And right then I know that he’s got to be the guy who slut shames her later in the season (from the previews). Back to the cocktail party- Luke keeps interrupting AH and the other guys and AH keeps sending him away. It’s SO desperate and pitiful. Bless. At one point Luke goes right up to AH and asks to talk AGAIN and she says no, AGAIN. So Luke gets all pouty and tells the guys he’s thinking about going home. Real mature.

As AH is about to give out the group date rose she pulls Luke aside and tells him one more time to straighten up and fly right. Then she gives Peter the rose. I think I’ve decided Peter is my favorite. He’s too cute and seems really genuinely sweet.

The next day CH shows up to tell them there’s no cocktail party tonight, but there will be a tailgate party today. ABC has decked out the patio areas with hay bales and AH says “it feels like home” and the Southern stereotype is shoved down our throats yet again. Sigh. Before AH arrives Cam asks all the guys to let him talk to her first because he has something super important to discuss with her. Always Be Cam is mentioned again by Cam and I’m so sick of this knucklehead right now. Cam pulls AH aside right in the middle of the party and right after she says she doesn’t want any heavy talk. Cam tells her this long winded sob story involving a leg amputation (!!!) and a puppy and a grandma dying and I’m so confused! Does the man have a peg leg?? I WANNA SEE!!!!

Mike tells AH later what Cam told all the guys and that Cam was going for the pity rose. So AH confronts the 2 flesh legged Cam and tells him it all feels slimy. Cam has the gall to look shocked and appalled!

Rose Ceremony- Ok so we all know at this point that Cam and a couple of randos are going home tonight. Sure enough, Jonathan, Joey (pity, he was kinda cute), and Cam go home, but not before Cam talks about himself in the 3rd person again! UGH take your 2 legs and get the hell out of here Cam!!!

During the credits AH waxes Garrett’s chest and it’s pretty great!
That’s all until next week my BBs! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 2

Week 2 begins with Alabama Hannah spitting this weird little rap and honestly that sets the tone for the entire episode.
Group Date #1- FIrst of all, thank you ABC for cutting out all the extra floof to get right to the activities. It feels like this season is sped up a bit and I, for one, appreciate it! AH is wearing some odd mesh bootie heels and I’m already wishing I had wine instead of iced tea. The guys are informed they have to compete in a Mr. Right pageant because they are going to get a taste of AH’s world. Miss J is there! And 2 fabulous drag queens! FIrst the guys have to compete in a speedo wearing runway walk and thank the good Lord they aren’t wearing heels. It’s all pretty straightforward until Mike twerks and then it’s off the rails. JPJ makes it even creepier than it is by snapping his speedo . Luke P has abs for days people. He reminds me of a roided out Justin Timberlake.
Next up is the talent competition and these boys are skeeered! Jed plays the guitar (of course) and sings and he has a great voice. JPJ rides a unicycle, which is low key impressive! Then Luke declares that his talent is falling in love with AH! IT’S YOUR FIRST DATE!!! Slow your roll there Luke! You’ve spent a total of like 15 minutes with this girl. I’m instantly getting stalker vibes now from Luke, abs be damned! He then finishes up his “talent” by shoving his tongue down AH’s throat. Um, ok.
Somehow Luke wins the pageant and you can tell the other guys are NOT thrilled with this turn of events. Luke then wears his crown and sash to the night portion of events. The other guys question his authenticity and even AH quizzes him on how he knows he’s falling in love with her. But they still make out like they’re at prom. AH gives the group date rose to Jed, and the other guys clap for him, which I think is really sweet!
Next up is the coveted first 1-1 date. AH shows up dressed all in white and a helicopter picks up her and her date. I can’t place the guy until they finally put his name on the screen like 5 minutes later! It’s Tyler G and that information still tells me nothing about him, but he’s got pretty eyes so I’ll allow it. They ride ATVs in the mud, which looks fun but doesn’t really allow them to chat or get to know each other. I never understand why they choose dates like this. Later is Fake DInner and in response to everything AH says Tyler declares “I’m the luckiest guy in the world” and “that means the world to me” and I’m starting to wonder if Tyler would be impressed with AH just belching the alphabet at this point. She gives him the rose and for the life of me I can’t figure out why she’d want to keep him around except he’s easy on the eyes- ish.
Group Date 2- AH shows up wearing black leather shanties. Shanties: noun used to identify shorts that are so short they are panties. Today’s date is at the Roller Derby. Again- no way to properly speak to each other but whatevs. I’m in LOVE with AH’s iridescent skates but they don’t get enough camera time. OK so this date is awesome. For me. Because I can’t help but love watching all these full grown men flail about on their skates! SO many wipeouts and falls!!! Dustin even really hurts his ankle but he gets back out there. And poor Lady Face Connor can NOT stay upright! It’s downright comical!
They cut back to the mansion to see Cam, who’s v v unhappy that he did not get a date this week. He’s telling the camera that he has to ABC- Always Be Cam and I want to vomit.
That night on the group date AH is talking with Dustin and I can’t stop staring at his nose ring. Now, I have nothing against nose rings. I even have a wee “diamond” stud in my nose. But Dustin’s just doesn’t suit him or something. Anyway, Cam shows up to the group date! He’s bearing flowers and he walks in and interrupts one of the guys as he’s talking to AH. The other guys are NOT pleased that Cam has done this. Later, Cam is talking to the camera, and about himself in 3rd person (which I loathe) and a few of the guys come out to give him crap about interrupting the group date which he was not invited on! Dustin gets the group date rose and some of the guys don’t get any time to speak with AH. The whole vibe is off.
***By the way, the word of the episode is BOLD. AH keeps saying it. Then I notice the guys are all saying it too and mentioning that AH wants a BOLD man. I should have kept count and downed a shot each time someone says it this episode. But then I’d be day drunk and that’s not a good look on me. Better BOLD than Roll Tide though!!!***
The next night AH walks in to the cocktail party crying. Like, someone passes her a hankie crying. Is she drunk?? She looks good in her dress and her hair looks nice but by the end of the night she looks a bit of a drunk mess!
The other Connor grabs her to talk first, then Kevin comes out to steal her. They are talking for a good 30 seconds when Cam interrupts and says he’s got a surprise for the 3 of them. Um, ok. Cam is going to hack you into pieces Kevin, run!!! But instead Cam (who at this point has mentioned ABC- Always Be Cam 13,649 times) leads them to a candle lit heart full of rose petals and chicken nuggets (????). Cam presents a nugget and some sauce to AH and Kevin high tails it out of there. Cam comes back inside and Kevin throws nuggets at him. Real mature boys.
Tyler C gives me a stalker vibe. And he doesn’t say “you”, he says “ya”.
Luke P is giving AH a massage then they switch and AH is basically taking Luke’s shirt off. They are making out hot and heavy when poor Jed walks in! It’s V V awkward and AH is getting bleeped a LOT for a pageant girl. BTW, she has cutouts all down her sleeve and side of her dress and Luke is mauling her while they are making out so much that she almost flashes side boob. Yikes.
Rose Ceremony: Cam gets the last rose and you KNOW that’s a producer move right there. UGH. Lady Face Connor, Darren, and Matthew (who???) go home.
After the Rose Ceremony Luke sneaks into the interview room to talk to and make out with AH some more. He’s reassuring AH that his feelings are real and all I’m seeing is RED FLAGS. Cut this boy loose AH! He’s going to implode!!!
Also, has anyone else noticed that AH’s nose turns red as the night goes on? Is this an alcohol thing I wonder?? Anyway, can’t wait for next week! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 1

And so it begins… Alabama Hannah’s season of the Bachelorette! Week 1. We begin with a montage of Alabama Hannah in a field and leaning against some poles while her voiceover laments about not being able to find love. The girl could not be more awkward! And I swear if I hear ROLL TIDE all night long I’m going to have to stab my eyes out! Of course they make a point to show AH’s pageant history, lest we forget!

Then we have the little intros to the men. The short videos in their hometowns. None of these guys ever seem to make it to the end so get a good look now my people! Mike from Dallas seems super sweet with his great grandma. Joe the Box King is on my tv for 3.8 seconds and I already can’t stand the man.

Next up are the limo entrances. I should start a ROLL TIDE tally! 
Garrett the golf pro is out of the limo first. He has a healthy head of hair on him! 
Mike is super sweet still. That’s good to see!
Jed the singer/songwriter is 100% here for his career. 
Tyler C the dancing contractor gives me the heebie jeebies and I just don’t know why.
Dylan is up next, then Connor who jumps the fence. It’s been done, bro. 
Devin tells a virgin joke and I want to punch him in the throat. I thought we left the virgin stuff behind us!!!
John Paul Jones is next and if you think I’m typing out John Paul Jones all season you’ve got another thing coming! Also, he lists his occupation as John Paul Jones. SO WEIRD.
Brian throws his head WAY back when he laughs.
Scott is so nervous I almost feel badly for him!
Matteo is just as nervous.
Daron reminds me of someone but I can’t think who.
Tyler gives INTENSE eye contact. #squirm
Thomas and Matt are up next and I honestly can’t remember a thing about them.
Then a forklift pulls up with a big box on it marked Fragile (so it must be Italian amirite???) Joe the Box King jumps out and styrofoam packing peanuts fly errrrrrywhere! They are going to be finding peanuts all season! So bad for the environment Joe the Box King!!!
Joey shows up with a baby seat for some reason.
Connor J is speaking French and I don’t know why. He has a lady face by the way.
Ryan “Roller Boy” literally rolls up yelling ROLL TIDE and I’ve never wished someone would wipe out more than I do now. Oh don’t feel badly for Ryan the Roller Boy, he’s wearing a helmet!!!
Hunter the surfer is next and following him is unemployed Grant who keeps making silly puns about how it’s a sausage party in there. Dude brought his own mustard. 
The puns keep coming as Kevin gets out of the limo with an armful of footballs that he drops everywhere. 
Luke follows that by climbing up on top of the limo and GROWLING at AH who GROWLS back. Lawd help me I may need to start drinking to get through this season!
Another Luke is next and he’s about as exciting as printer paper. 
Dustin shows up wearing giant white shoes with his suit which I don’t understand.
Cam hops out of the limo rapping. Look bruh, you rapped at After the Final Rose and it was cute. Now you’re doing it again and someone needs to pop you upside the head. Not cute anymore. 
A huge red tractor roars up the driveway and sitting atop it is Matt Donald wearing a giant hat. Sigh.
Chasen is up next and he’s a pilot and is super cute but I can’t get past his stupid name. Someone call Child Services for this poor boy! Chasen. Ugh.
Peter the Pilot steps out of the limo in his pilot uniform and hold on I’ll be right back I’m gonna go slide into his DMs. V handsome in that uniform.
Ok so there’s 30 men but I’m missing one. Whoever he is must not have made that much of an impression. #shrug

AH says a quick prayer before entering the party and I love that. She walks in and greets the guys and she is looking so good in her dress! #fireOne of the Lukes grabs her first and here we go! Lady Face Connor throws her a bachelorette party with a bunch of elementary school games, which reads a bit odd to me. 
Rapper Cam steals the first kiss of the night. 
Then out of nowhere, Demi (yay!!!) and some other girl (who?) pull up in an undercover FBI van with surveillance equipment claiming that they were told on social media that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home. Yeah, just ONE I bet! HA! I betcha half a dozen of these punks have girlfriends back home! 
Back to the party, Joe the Box King acts like he’s walking around a Bar Mitzvah with a microphone. He’s just way too “on” for me. 
Peter Pilot has a baby face under that pilot’s cap.

Ooh and Demi finally spots the dude with the girlfriend! And it’s Nervous Scott! Chris Harrison pulls AH aside and she goes to see Demi and that rando girl who tell her about Scott’s GF. Then AH does something that makes me like her a bit more. She marches into the house, points to Scott and says “We need to talk!” The other guys are shaking in their boots!

They go sit outside somewhere and AH comes for him. He is pretty dodgy about it but the truth comes out. Scott JUST broke up with his GF MONDAY!!!! The nerve!!! Then he has the gall to bring up Colton and tries to say it’s the same thing?!?! Boy, BYE. AH marches him back through the house in front of everyone and to the front door. Then she goes back outside and cries a bit about it. Luke the Growler goes out to console her, which was nice. BUT AH says a couple of times that she’s freezing and he never gives her his jacket! FAIL.

And the party is back on! Connor S gets a kiss. Everyone is eyeing the first impression rose. Growler Luke gets it and they share a BIG kiss. I swear he’s about to suck her top lip into a different dimension! GL comes on a wee bit strong for my taste.

Rose Ceremony
Turns out shortie Jonathan is the guy I missed at intros. He gets a rose. JPJ (John Paul Jones) gets the last rose and that boy just makes my skin crawl!!! 
Going home tonight are Old Matt Donald, Chasen, Joe the Box King (don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!), Brian, Hunter (WHO???), Ryan, and Thomas. The only one I’m a little shocked by is Chasen. Yes, I hate his name. BUT he’s a stone cold fox AND a pilot (free flights!!!) so he has a respectable job! Unlike our clear villain of the season – JPJ.

Previews- Cam talks about himself in the 3rd person and that’s a straight up punchable offense.

Credits- Chris Harrison sweeping up Joe the Box King’s packing peanuts and muttering cuss words is the kind of tv content we all need right now!

Until next week…. xo🌹