Bachelor Week 8

Week 8 is Hometowns! One of my favorite weeks each season because we get to see where all these crazies came from! The episode starts with a little video diary chat from Peter and BOY does he look tired!

Our first stop is Hannah Ann’s hometown of Knoxville. HA decides she’s gonna toughen up Peter to impress her manly man of a dad, so she takes P axe throwing! Who else sees another head injury in P’s future??? After an embarrassing attempt at some axe throwing, P pulls out a list he made of all the things he loves about HA. It’s not pink like her list was, but it’s pretty lengthy! HA gushes appropriately and we move on to the night portion of the date.

When P is there at HA’s house making small talk with the fam, Dad is stone cold silent. Not cracking a smile, not saying a word! He’s a tough one! P & Dad sit down to talk & P says he is going to tell HA that he’s falling in love with her. Dad- please just don’t. Hahahahaha!!! P looks concerned for a hot minute but as soon as the night is coming to an end and he and HA are sitting outside on a bench, P tells HA that he’s falling in love with her. Guess Dad didn’t scare P enough! HA tells P that she loves him. I believe she does but she is SO not ready for marriage! Doesn’t she still live there at home? I bet her bedroom is still pink for goodness sake!

Next up is Kelsey in Des Moines, Iowa. The wine capital of the USA!!! Kelsey takes P to a winery and that’s a BIT on the nose if you ask me. I’m not shocked in the least that their date revolves around alcohol! Mix it up a bit Kels! The two of them hop in a bin and stomp grapes to make their own wine (GROSS. I’m not drinking foot wine!!!) Then they have a wine tasting and put together the bottle of wine to take home. They are talking after and Kels tells P she’s in love with him. P responds with “That makes me really happy. Thank you.” and I know in that instant that Kels and P’s love affair is not long for this world.

That night P meets Kelsey’s family and man alive are these people BLONDE?!?! And they all seem to get the same nose job once they hit 18 years of age. Mom is super skeptical of P and the whole process. But really, show me one set of parents who isn’t skeptical!

Madison’s hometown is next so we’re in Auburn, Alabama. Mad and P meet up at Auburn University basketball arena. All of the electric display boards are lit up with their names and Charles Barkley even has a recorded message for P- treat her right! Mad and P run through some basketball drills and she’s really good. Way better than P!

That night at Fake Dinner with the Family, Madison gets the Special Plate. It’s this sweet tradition where one person in the family gets the special plate for dinner and everyone else has to say what makes them special. Mom and Mad talk and we learn that Mad is saving herself for marriage. AND P doesn’t know. Hmmm. Since this dude is basically famous for fornicating four times in a windmill…I’d say this may pose a problem soon.

P talks with Dad (who looks like a kid with old dude makeup on and is named CHAD). Chad asks P “Do you KNOW” if you’re in love with my daughter? P says he can’t answer that right now. Yikes. But then, not 10 minutes later P is telling Mad he’s falling in love with her!!! THEN he tells the camera I LOVE MADISON. That’s big news peeps.

We finally get to Train Wreck, USA. Also known as Victoria’s hometown. Nothing against Virginia Beach, VA but I am just so DONE with Vic. Anyway, Dumpster Fire, I mean, Vic, takes P to dress up and get Old Timey photos done. Then they go to a bar/restaurant where ANOTHER one of Vic’s exes is playing. I kid. It’s Hunter Hayes. But you know P was thinking it the whole time! The song Hunter is singing says something about I don’t want easy I want crazy and it’s as if he wrote it just for Vic & P.

At the end of their day date they say goodbye and go their separate ways. But then a woman calls out to Peter and it turns out she used to date P back in the day. AND she knows Vic. ABC is blurring her face while she’s talking for some reason. She won’t say much, just warns P to be careful and he deserves better than Vic and that Vic is responsible for breaking up a lot of relationships. Oooooh. Well, this doesn’t sit well with P. After a bit of Googling, your very own Shanny P.I. found out that Vic is infamous in Virginia Beach for breaking up marriages. ALLEGEDLY. AND she has been arrested for DWI and has 13 (!!!) traffic violations! NOT allegedly!!! For real!!! DUDE. No one needs to let her behind the wheel of a car ever again!

So that night P gets out of the car at Family of Vic’s house and Vic instantly smells the trouble brewing and starts asking him what’s wrong. They sit down to talk and he tells her what Marissa said earlier at the restaurant. Vic INSTANTLY starts whining and crying and says I don’t want to do this and gives P HUGE attitude and is super combative. All while he’s just trying to talk. AND she never denies it. She just asks “which relationships have I broken up?”. GUILTY. Allegedly I mean. I don’t want to get sued. But I gots to reports the news here. So Vic gets up and walks away from P. They meet back up in the street for a minute and she’s crying still and still giving major attitude. They hug and HE LEAVES!!! He doesn’t even go inside to meet the parents!

The next day Vic shows up at P’s hotel and apologizes, cries, yet never denies the charges. Hmmm. Vic tells P I just can’t walk away from you. P’s like, but you kinda do, like all the time. Bahahaha!!! Vic apologizes again and leaves.

Back in LA we’re in yet another airplane hangar, because ABC isn’t finished pushing the point that Pilot Pete is a pilot who pilots planes! UGH for the love of all that’s good and holy….we get it!!!!

Vic is showing off the boobs tonight in a plunging V. Holy smokes but I hate her vocal fry. Chris Harrison says hello to her and she responds with HIIIIIEEEEE and my ears bleed.

Rose Ceremony~

Hannah Ann gets the first rose. Then Madison. Then….Vic!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN???? OR are the producers forcing him to keep her around?? Ugh. So Kels is going home and P can’t even give her a good reason! Side note- it’s nice to see P in a blue suit with black shoes. Most of the time I see men wearing blue suits with brown shoes and that is just not a good look guys.

So we think the episode is over because P says goodbye to the women but then Madison calls after P and says she needs to talk with him. Dum dum dummmmmm.

And that’s the end my BBs! Next week- Fantasy Suites in Australia! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Week 7

Week 7 is in Lima, Peru. There are 6 girls left. P still has what looks like a flesh colored papier mache project stuck to his forehead. Next week is Hometowns. Let’s dive in!

Before we get to the dates, P visits the remaining girls in their suite to tell them, once again, that he’s serious about all this and that they should be too. They have a champagne toast then P goes back to his room to FaceTime with his mom. His mom calls him Pachi!!!! OMG! I’m dying over this!!!

Madison’s 1-1~

P shows up to Madi’s date and he doesn’t have the bandage on his head anymore. He points this out to Madi and tells her they are going fishing. Madi is a stronger woman than I because at the mere mention of fishing I’d be out like trout.

They fish for about 30 seconds before spending the rest of the date making out on the boat. That night at Fake Dinner Madi says she has something to talk to P about. Turns out she’s really religious and so is her dad. Then GIRL. What are you doing on this show??? Have you not heard of the Fantasy Suites? What will Daddy and the Good Lord think then??? Ay Pachi, she’s in a pickle! P responds that he’s religious too, but his faith could be stronger. Basically he’s Christian Lite. P then tells Madi he’s falling in love with her and gives her the rose.

Natasha’s 1-1~

Natasha and P spend the day exploring the city and frankly I’m bored. There is ZERO romantic chemistry between them and I think the only reason she’s made it this far is because he’s terrified of her. My suspicions are validated at Fake Dinner when P talks about how bold and honest Nat is but doesn’t give her the rose. Girl you deserve better. Natasha leaves with her head held high.

Kelsey’s 1-1~

Kels gets another 1-1 and this time they go riding ATVs and race each other up a hill on foot. I’m seriously worried a medic will need to be called in when they get to the top of the hill. Peter hasn’t breathed this heavily since he was in that Windmill! At Fake Dinner Kels talks about her dysfunctional family and I finally feel like I can relate to her a bit since she’s not cursing someone out or crying over spilt champagne.

Kels gets the rose so we’re going to Iowa next week!

Instead of a Rose Ceremony, this week we are treated to a 3 on 1 date. Kelley is SUPER confident Pachi will keep her for Hometowns and send either Hannah Ann (the child) or Victoria (the hot mess) home. And at this point, while I’m not crazy about Kelley’s showboating here, I have to agree with her.

HA & P go off to talk first. HA pulls out this list of reasons why she likes P and I’m instantly transported back to 8th grade. The pink paper! The Is dotted with hearts. HEARTS!!! You just know she’s been practicing signing her name as HA Weber. Geez, the girl IS a child!

Kelley & P talk next and he’s looking at her with such a flat expression. Uh oh, Kell, things aren’t looking so good for you. She mentions that she’s been having fun again and P doesn’t like that. Kell- have you not seen the show? You should be weeping right now and declaring your love for a guy you’ve spent 45 minutes with total! Not making level headed points and having reasonable conversation!

Victoria & P talk last. P says he’s confused still from their last 1-1 and Vic sayd “You really wanna use our time to talk about that?” and “You’re always in a mood” and the next thing you know they are squabbling AGAIN. Look, if you’ve been on 1 date with someone and you’re already arguing? That does not bode well for the future! Vic is, not surprisingly, in tears again.

P picks up a rose and walks Vic to a SUV and just as I think he has ONE brain cell rattling around in that injured noggin, he gives Vic the rose! UGH.

P walks back to HA and Kelley and tells them each what he likes about their relationships. Then he gives HA the remaining rose. This man makes NO sense. HA breaks down sobbing while P walks Kelley to the waiting car.

Kelsey, Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison remain. Can’t wait for Hometowns! See you then BBs! šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Week 7

Week 7 is in Lima, Peru. There are 6 girls left. P still has what looks like a flesh colored papier mache project stuck to his forehead. Next week is Hometowns. Let’s dive in!

Before we get to the dates, P visits the remaining girls in their suite to tell them, once again, that he’s serious about all this and that they should be too. They have a champagne toast then P goes back to his room to FaceTime with his mom. His mom calls him Pachi!!!! OMG! I’m dying over this!!!

Madison’s 1-1~

P shows up to Madi’s date and he doesn’t have the bandage on his head anymore. He points this out to Madi and tells her they are going fishing. Madi is a stronger woman than I because at the mere mention of fishing I’d be out like trout.

They fish for about 30 seconds before spending the rest of the date making out on the boat. That night at Fake Dinner Madi says she has something to talk to P about. Turns out she’s really religious and so is her dad. Then GIRL. What are you doing on this show??? Have you not heard of the Fantasy Suites? What will Daddy and the Good Lord think then??? Ay Pachi, she’s in a pickle! P responds that he’s religious too, but his faith could be stronger. Basically he’s Christian Lite. P then tells Madi he’s falling in love with her and gives her the rose.

Natasha’s 1-1~

Natasha and P spend the day exploring the city and frankly I’m bored. There is ZERO romantic chemistry between them and I think the only reason she’s made it this far is because he’s terrified of her. My suspicions are validated at Fake Dinner when P talks about how bold and honest Nat is but doesn’t give her the rose. Girl you deserve better. Natasha leaves with her head held high.

Kelsey’s 1-1~

Kels gets another 1-1 and this time they go riding ATVs and race each other up a hill on foot. I’m seriously worried a medic will need to be called in when they get to the top of the hill. Peter hasn’t breathed this heavily since he was in that Windmill! At Fake Dinner Kels talks about her dysfunctional family and I finally feel like I can relate to her a bit since she’s not cursing someone out or crying over spilt champagne.

Kels gets the rose so we’re going to Iowa next week!

Instead of a Rose Ceremony, this week we are treated to a 3 on 1 date. Kelley is SUPER confident Pachi will keep her for Hometowns and send either Hannah Ann (the child) or Victoria (the hot mess) home. And at this point, while I’m not crazy about Kelley’s showboating here, I have to agree with her.

HA & P go off to talk first. HA pulls out this list of reasons why she likes P and I’m instantly transported back to 8th grade. The pink paper! The Is dotted with hearts. HEARTS!!! You just know she’s been practicing signing her name as HA Weber. Geez, the girl IS a child!

Kelley & P talk next and he’s looking at her with such a flat expression. Uh oh, Kell, things aren’t looking so good for you. She mentions that she’s been having fun again and P doesn’t like that. Kell- have you not seen the show? You should be weeping right now and declaring your love for a guy you’ve spent 45 minutes with total! Not making level headed points and having reasonable conversation!

Victoria & P talk last. P says he’s confused still from their last 1-1 and Vic sayd “You really wanna use our time to talk about that?” and “You’re always in a mood” and the next thing you know they are squabbling AGAIN. Look, if you’ve been on 1 date with someone and you’re already arguing? That does not bode well for the future! Vic is, not surprisingly, in tears again.

P picks up a rose and walks Vic to a SUV and just as I think he has ONE brain cell rattling around in that injured noggin, he gives Vic the rose! UGH.

P walks back to HA and Kelley and tells them each what he likes about their relationships. Then he gives HA the remaining rose. This man makes NO sense. HA breaks down sobbing while P walks Kelley to the waiting car.

Kelsey, Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison remain. Can’t wait for Hometowns! See you then BBs! šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Week 6

We begin Week 6 just 2 days after we sat through week 5 and I think ABC owes us all a fruit basket AT THE VERY LEAST. I swear if this is 2 more hours of my life lost to infighting between the girls I’m going to throat punch Chris Harrison.

We are now in Santiago, Chile and I would LOVE it if Chris Harrison would ask these girls to point out their location on a world map. LOL good luck! Anyway, there are 10 girls left and Mykenna is STILL crying over there not being a cocktail party last week. Peter walks up to the group and asks Hannah Ann out for a 1-1 .

Hannah Ann’s 1-1~

HA & P tour Santiago on foot (which I still think is a budgetary cop out for the ABC producers. We need a dream date. Let’s make them walk around! Brilliant!) During their tour P finds out HA has never been in love and he shows concern over her young age. Oh LORT HERE WE GO. Look. Natasha is the only woman you have left who could balance a checkbook as all the other girls are still toddlers. You can’t tell me that you’re surprised a 23 year old has never been in love! She even says her longest relationship was 3 years and she cared for him but didn’t love him and I bet that’s because they were in high school!

Fake Dinner- P asks HA about her long term goals and she replies with “You only catch minnows in the shallow waters. I want to dive deep.” WHUT?? WTH is this jibberish HA? Of course, if I were in her shoes I’d have a hard time taking P seriously with that flesh colored maxi pad stuck to his forehead. P then asks if she’s really ready for all this and she’s all “Yep” but she’s looking worried because even my pug can tell he’s on the fence about giving her the rose tonight due to the age/never been in love/ready for this issues.

P walks away to think for a minute. HA scurries after him and blurts out through tears “I’m starting to fall in love with you” which is totally code for “Don’t send me home yet. I need more Insta followers!” P folds like a deck chair and gives her the rose.

Group Date~

The group arrives to the set of a telenovela and find out they will be starring in El Amor de Pedro. Kelley is cast as P’s abuela (grandmother) and abandons the script to make out with P. Mykenna is cast as the maid and crybabies about it all day UNTIL she gets to make out with P at the end of the day.

That night at the after party P tells Kelsey “We’ve overcome a lot”. Yeah. You’ve “overcome” Kels being a giant hot teary mess! P’s then talking with Victoria P and he says she’s more confident then he is in their relationship. And OMG! is he breaking up with her?? I’m so confused! It becomes clear that P is indeed breaking up with VP and VP flips a switch y’all. She goes stone cold and asks for a car service. P has to chase her to walk her out and she hugs him goodbye with about as much emotion as you’d hug that creep at work who’s always looking at your feet in an odd way.

Meanwhile Tammy has chosen a new victim- Mykenna. And that’s just mean. Mykenna is too easy of a target. She’s always crying and seems so fragile. Like a wine slinging baby bird.

Madison gets the group date rose, and I have to applaud her. You can tell P really likes her AND she stays out of the drama. Way to play the game sis!

1-1 with Victoria F

Vic F and P go to hang out with some horses. VF is playing the shy little wallflower again. I don’t like this act of hers. She sure isn’t a shy wallflower when it’s a modeling challenge! VF tells P she’s going back and forth in her head and all this is “hard”. Again, have you never seen the show?? EVERYONE says it’s hard when it gets to this point. Amazes me that these girls are shocked that he’s dating other women! Ugh.

Fake Dinner~

P says to VF “Why can’t you just let this be and not sabotage it. Talk to me.” and VF says “I’m trying I’m trying” and throws back her wine. I can’t hardly stand all the “likes”. Likelikelikelike sprinkled in their conversation like confetti. P- Do you want to be here? VF snapped her head around so fast and came back with “Of course. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” P tries to continue to talk to her and she says “OK I get it. I feel sick” and walks away. She goes into the restroom with a producer and just keeps saying I don’t know, I don’t know. She comes back to the table. P says “Nobody has given me so much so much grief.” and gives her the rose.

Back at the house another date card appears and it’s a 2-1 with Mykenna and Tammy. Frankly they are both getting on my nerves at this point. Tammy is a pot stirring narc and Mykenna is a weepy mess. But that’s beside the point. ABC- what is this mess? The 2-1 is BEFORE the cocktail party?? I remember when 2-1 dates were actually dramatic and occured in the desert or on an island! What a sham!

So Mykenna and Tammy go to meet up with P for their 2-1. Myk says to Tam “You made me find my damn voice. Kindness wins. Love wins.” She sounds like an after school special. P talks to Tam first and Tam lets the floodgates open. She says “this is me collecting information from Mykenna every day I’m with her.” OK. You sound like a psycho. Tam tells P that Myk packed her bags before the last group date.

P talks to Myk next with Tammy lurking in the background like a circling shark. Myk “I’m speaking my damn truth”. I swear it sounds like Myk just learned to curse and is trying out the word damn.

P rejoins Myk and Tam and says he trusts Myk and to Tam “can I walk you out”. Oooh snap. I would have sent them both home.

Rose Ceremony~

Uneventful. Sydney and Mykenna are going home. Which begs the question…why didn’t he just send Myk home during the 2-1?? Weird. Also, why are both Syd and Myk talking about themselves in the 3rd person during their exit interviews?? Shannon hates that!!!

Next week we’re in Peru! See you then BBs! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Week 5

We start Week 5 still dealing with the Alayah drama in Cleveland. Natasha says “She made her bed and has to ALAYAH in it.” GROAN. Basically Alayah was sent home, then brought back by Peter and all the girls are up in arms about it. Meanwhile Alayah’s boobs are THIS close to escaping that deep V she calls a shirt. All the sudden Peter pulls Al aside to talk and he sends her home! Again! How long was she even back? 24 hours? So weird. P comes back inside from walking Al out and addresses the group like a sad, sad, basset hound. Then he proceeds to apologize to every woman individually in their private chats.

Rose Ceremony #1~

Going home- Savannah (who?), Kiarra, and Deandra. Deandra is SHOCKED she’s leaving.

During the group champagne toast P tells the girls they are going to….Costa Rica! They have sloths there!!!

P shows up at the girls’ villa in CR with a giant slash on his head. He tells some crazy story about a puma but in reality he bashed his head against a golf cart roof while holding a glass. He then shattered the glass and cut his forehead with the cut glass! 22 stitches! Bahahahaha!!!! No, seriously, 22 stitches is nothing to laugh at but ABC is brutal and won’t give P a day off to recover! They slap some flesh colored bandaids on his head and send him on his way.

Sydney gets the first 1-1 in CR. Syd and P fly off in a helicopter (with someone else piloting it) and there are so many flying puns being thrown around here I may hurl. They stop to have a picnic in a meadow where P tells Syd she’s the best kisser. And he should know! In the last month he’s played tonsil hockey with over 20 women!

That night at Fake Dinner Syd tells her sad story. Not to discount what Syd’s been through but it all seems so formulaic. Fake Dinner-sob story- make out- get rose. Anyway, she grew up a mixed race child of divorce in Alabama where she says she at lunch in the bathroom stall every day at school. I’m not saying Syd isn’t telling the truth but according to the Snatchelor, Syd was pretty popular in high school and appeared to be on the homecoming court. Hmmmm.

Syd gets the rose of course and then they strip down to their swimsuits to show us some soft core porn by a waterfall in a grotto.

Back at the house Kelsey has apparently been crying ALL DAY because she doesn’t like it that P’s dating other people. Kels: “I love Sydney a lot. I think she’s cool. But she’s a dramatic f!@#$ing bitch.” FEEL THE LOVE PEOPLE.

Group Date~

The girls assemble in the jungle and find out they are going to be modeling (AGAIN) by this gorgeous waterfall for Cosmopolitan magazine and the winner gets to be on the digital cover of the March issue. Kels: “I don’t like competing with other girls for attention.” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHOW??? During the shoot, Victoria F kisses Peter and the other girls boo her! Ha!!! But, jokes on them because the shy little wallflower Vic F wins! Although it turns out she loses the cover because Cosmo finds out about a White Lives Matter racist photo shoot VF did in the past. Uh oh!!! Turns out the internet is forever!!!

That night at the after party, Kels is still all upset and she tells P she’s falling in love with him. Meanwhile Tammy is running around telling anyone who’ll listen all about Kels crying and drinking wine. Tammy decides P should know about the crying and the wine for some reason so she spills the tea to Peter in their private chat. Tammy uses the words “mental breakdown” and “drinking heavily”. P immediately asks Kels about it then Kels comes back to the group demanding to know who the narc is. Most of the women say something about her crying but no one will fess up. Hannah Ann gets the rose.

Kelley’s 1-1~

Kelley doesn’t seem to into the whole process, um, I mean, JOURNEY, and she arrives to her date with Peter in the most hideous pants ever! Red with white vertical stripes. Is she a baseball umpire? Does she work in fast food? Either way my eyes are bleeding.

They go into a hut and 2 shaman lead them in these cleansing and trust rituals. P’s taking it all seriously and Kelley’s like “check out that lizard, man”.

Back at the house Tammy and Kels are trying to hash things out. Kels is crying again.

That night at Fake Dinner P starts in on Kelley, wanting to know where she stands with him. Conversation is tense and a bit combative. Kelley swears she’s all in. I don’t buy it Kell. She gets the rose and they go swimming under yet another waterfall.

The next day Tammy is STILL talking about Kels to the other girls. Kels sneaks out and goes to see P. Kels tells P that Tammy is telling people Kels is popping pills(!!!) and drinking too much. P reassures Kels and they make out then P gives her a rose. This scares Kels to death because she has to go back to the house and now everyone will know she snuck out to see P because of the rose. P’s all like “don’t worry, be happy” and Kels is about to have a full blown panic attack. She gets back to the house and with shaking hands she tells the girls.

Later the girls gather for the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Chris Harrison appears and announces there will be no cocktail party. ALL the girls immediately jump on Kels and virtually tear her limb from limb because it must be her fault there’s no cocktail party. The popping pills accusation comes up in the group conversation and Kels says “I only take birth control and Adderall. ” Yeah, you’re not helping your case there Kels. Meanwhile every time Mykenna is on camera during the cocktail party she’s whipping her tongue back and forth and rolling it around in her mouth and it’s hilarious! I must be the only one who finds that funny though because all the other girls are crying, literally crying, over not getting time with P tonight.

Rose Ceremony #2~

P is standing there with the first rose in hand and Tammy interrupts him to talk. Then Mykenna interrupts Tammy! Insane! There’s no control here! Finally we get back to the actual Rose Ceremony and P sends Shiann and Lexi home. When Shiann hugs P goodbye she tells him not all the girls are (shocker!) here for the right reasons (just like on Colton’s season).

Until next time, my BBs! Oh, and next time is in a mere 48 hours!!! šŸŒ¹