Bachelor Finale Part 2

FINALLY! Chris Harrison has been promising the most dramatic finale ever and finally ABC delivers! Well, sort of. But we’ll get to that. Now, settle in BBs because we have a LOT to unpack and this is a long one!

We pick back up in Australia where Peter is down to ONE lady vying for his heart. Madison self eliminated last night, so he has Hannah Ann left. BUT HA doesn’t know that Madi is gone! That’s quite the information to keep under wraps there, Pachi!

But before we get to HA & P, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison points out that Kelley is in the audience tonight! WHAT??? ABC are you punking me? Because first you don’t invite Kell to the Women Tell All, then you let her come to this? And what about the rumor going around that Kell and P end up together?? I’m so confused rn.

Back to Australia. HA is dressed in what can only be described as the ranch dressing of formal gowns. It’s so boring and beige and I thought it was part of a bridal lingerie set. Odd choice there, HA. Just before she’s supposed to go get engaged, HA collapses on her bed and declares herself emotionally drained.

Meanwhile P is pacing around in the desert in a full suit trying not to become a sweaty mess. CH appears and tells P that HA might not be coming. WHAT?!? Now this, this is the drama I signed up for! Bravo ABC! But really, is anyone surprised?? I mean HA IS only 12 years old. At that tender age I could barely commit to a choose your own adventure book, much less a full grown man! Next thing you know, CH tells P that HA is coming after all and I immediately suspect they only told P she wasn’t coming to spice up this dumpster fire of a proposal. Tell me I’m wrong!

Whoever told HA to wear strappy stiletto sandals to the DESERT needs to be shot! No one wants their heels sinking into the sand OR dusty toes! No one!!! HA hobbles through the sand and down the wooden boardwalk to get to P and I’ve never felt so sorry for her. Until 2 minutes later when P starts out his proposal speech to Hannah Ann by saying Madison’s name. OUCH. How romantic!!! P fumbles and bumbles through his little speech and he looks THRILLED to be proposing to his Plan B. Ahh, young love! You can tell HA was fully prepared to be dumped for Madi because it takes her a minute to grasp that this boring dolt is actually asking her to marry him. The ring is gorgeous though, so there’s that.

Back in LA, P stops by to tell his family about his proposal. He hems and haws and beats around the bush until finally Barb breathlessly asks “Who is it??” and y’all. Believe me when I tell you that this woman is WAY to invested in her son’s love life because her shrieks could be heard ’round the world!!!

A month later P & HA reunite in LA and it’s the first time they’ve been together since Australia. P answers the door and greets her and they settle in on the sofa and he looks about as excited as he’d be if he was about to get a root canal. What’s up P? P then tells HA he isn’t sure if he still loves her. Uh oh. HA- I would stand by you even if it kills me. Well, HA, be careful what you wish for cause things aren’t looking too good for you right now. And yep, P is actually breaking up with HA rn. But she is. not. having. it!!! HA- You took away my first engagement!!! Love that she says “first”. It’s like how I refer to CSP as my “first” husband. Let him have it HA!!!

BTW, the camera keeps showing Barb’s face while she’s watching all this from the LA audience and this is pure gold. Give that camera man a raise because not all heroes wear capes, BBs.

Back to HA & P- things are getting heated because HA has moved from shock to anger. HA- I said yes and I get this?!? And she waves the ring in his pitiful face!!! What a time to be alive! HA throws the ring at him and Barb CLAPS!!! I’ve never seen a man publicly disowned by his family on live tv and I am here for it!!!

HA decides to leave and for some strange reason they HOLD HANDS on the way to her waiting car. But when she gets in and he’s trying to talk to her she puts her hand up and tells him to LEAVE. I’ve never felt more alive!!! Who knew HA had all this fire inside of her?? I love it!!! Ok, sidebar. WHAT is going on with P’s pants? Why is he rolling up his jeans so high and wearing hiking boots? He looks like a hipster woodland elf!!!

Back in LA at the live viewing, CH brings HA out to confront P for the first time since the breakup. HA looks fierce and follows it up with words to match. P breathes and HA comes for him. The audience is totally on her side too. Not to mention, Barb! Way to go HA! I have to say that up until this finale I had hoped things would work out for P. He’s cute and harmless and nice enough but to withhold the information that HA was literally the last woman standing and his plan B, then to propose to her anyway??? That’s just gross, P. HA was right, there were 3 women involved in their engagement. Four if you count Barb!

CH gives HA the final word and boy is it a zinger! HA tells P if he wants to be with a woman he needs to be a real man first and I am DECEASED!!! If people still said “You go girl” I would have been yelling that at the tv! But they don’t, so please stop saying that. Srsly.

Now that P has been skewered on national television, CH tells P he has another surprise for him. P looks like he’s an inch from literally dying in front of us. I’ve not seen a man so emotionally battered like this. CH says he went to Auburn, AL to visit Spider Eyes Madison a few weeks ago. On the screen, we see CH visit Madi in her home. CH- P got engaged. LONG PAUSE. CH- but he’s single now! Dang, but CH lives for the drama! Madi says she made a mistake and would do things differently now. This gets her an epic eye roll from Barb in the audience. Seriously, an Oscar to this camera man!!! CH tells Madi it’s P’s dream to be engaged to her. That’s a biiiiit of a stretch but ok, CH. You do you. It doesn’t take any arm twisting to get Madi to hop a plane to LA. I don’t quite understand how being engaged to another woman is ok but having sex in the Fantasy Suite is practically a deal breaker to Madi, but whatever, I just work here.

Next we see a forlorn P staring into a swimming pool while Madi walks up to him. He’s genuinely shocked to see her. Back to the live portion, CH asks P if he still loves Madi. P- yeah. WOW knock me over with a feather! He’s soooo romantic. All these yeahs! Ugh.

Madi comes out onstage and we see Barb mouth “I can’t” to her porn stache wearing husband. Barb was sent from TV ratings heaven I tell you. Ok so wait. Madi and P haven’t seen each other since the poolside chat? What?? So weird. CH asks what’s the next step for P and Madi and P shoots a look at his mommy before answering. Cut the strings P!

CH gives Barb the floor and she starts out by saying she’s getting a LOT of love in her DMs. Hmmm. Then Barb spills some tea. Apparently a lot went on that ABC didn’t show on the day Madi came to meet the fam in Australia. Madi allegedly mad the family wait THREE HOURS before coming in the house to meet them. And when she finally did come in, Madi then told Barb she wouldn’t marry her son. WOW. Don’t hold back Barb!

Ok, so my thoughts on this. You KNOW production played a huge role in the 3 hour delay. I just can’t believe that Madi sat outside in the hot Australian sun slut shaming P for 3 whole hours. Especially while wearing that black turtleneck. It was sleeveless, but still. Also, we all know that I think Madi was in the wrong for manipulating P with the whole Fantasy Suite ultimatum. While I applaud her faith and values and standing up for them, she used her virginity to try and get her way, then left the show when things didn’t work out in her favor. Barb is quite the piece of work, but she could see what Madi was dishing out.

As I’ve said, this would never work between Madi and P. Barb HATES Madi. You can feel the daggers Barb is shooting from her eyes in Madi’s direction. You have to stand up for your wife and P looks like he’s about to burst into tears tonight being caught in the middle of his girlfriend and his mommy. There’s no way he could do this for the rest of his ding dang life!

CH tries to wrap things up but Barb can’t stop, won’t stop putting Madi down from the audience. CH- Well, you two will figure things out, right Mom? Barb- You have to fail to succeed! NO. SHE. DIDN’T. I haven’t heard a room full of people gasp like that since my wedding reception when my FIL toasted us by saying “You spend your whole life looking for the perfect person to love. In the meantime you get married.” Yeah. That happened. Don’t be jealous.

Back to ABC & the Bachelor hijinks…. Ok so to wrap up, Barb is completely unhinged. SHE’S THE MOM. It’s not her job to judge and openly hate P’s love. It’s her job to support her son. She can hate Madi all the livelong day but she should never let that show. I applaud Madi for saying “I love and respect P so I love and respect his family and you’ll never hear a negative word about them come out of my mouth.” That, Barb, is how you do it. I give Spider Eyes Madi and P a month before they implode. Speaking of… there’s no proposal on stage, no evidence even that they are dating. Way to leave us hanging ABC!

That’s a wrap on P & Madi. CH brings Clare out to promote her run as the new Bachelorette for a solid 90 seconds. They show a clip of her from her time on Juan Pablo’s season and it’s clear as day that she’s had a slew of plastic surgery. New nose, cheeks, eyes, chin, the works! I remember her from all her Bachelor appearances (Paradise, Winter Games, etc) and she is a hot mess. Can’t wait for her season to start! See you then BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Finale Part 1

Y’all. We made it! We sat through hours and hours of a never ending train wreck of a season and we finally were rewarded with a season finale that did not disappoint!!! So let’s dive in!

Hannah Ann is the first to meet the parents. She arrives all emotional and teary and to say that the family falls in love with her is the understatement of the year!!! HA is the easy choice, his family points out to him. But Pachi is torn and tears up talking to Pachi Sr. BTW, who told Barb it would be appropriate to meet your future DIL while wearing a tube top??? Fire her stylist!!!

The next day Madison comes to meet the fam. She brings her pet spiders that live in her eyelashes. They are on ALERT today! Girl! GO TO SEPHORA. They will help you!!! Madi gets there and she and P sit and mumble for the LONGEST time about how hard everything is and how she’s a fighter and Madi says “I need to like feel confident and like at peace and like I don’t”. P literally asks her what’s the issue here? I want to smack him!!! I’m just watching the show and I know what the issues are. He’s LIVING it and still can’t keep it straight!!! Come on Pachi! DO BETTER!!!

Madi finally tells P she loves him. They go in to see his parents and have apparently been keeping them waiting. P and his brother sit down to talk and even Jack can see that P & Madi have WILDLY different lifestyles. Jack- You like to party and have sex and she’s a virgin. You mean to tell me you can give that up???

Meanwhile Barb and Madi are talking and they are also hitting on the same points of their vastly different lifestyles. Barb- Don’t go changing my Pachi! Then Barb brings up the Fantasy Suite “ultimatum”. Barb CLEARLY is not a fan of this. As she’s making her points, Madi interrupts (!!!) to defend herself.

Madi’s time with the fam comes to a close and P walks her out. He returns to a sobbing Barb who says “Madi’s not here for you. HA is an angel on Earth!” Then the whole family dog piles on P talking about how much they LOVE HA and how Madi can just pack her bags and go. Finally Barb speaks the infamous line “Bring her home to us” while crying. P is visibly exhausted and tells her “You gotta stop doing this”. Hmmmm me thinks this isn’t the first time Barb has turned on the waterworks to get what she wants from her son.

Gotta say, I find it quite ironic that Barb bashes Madi for her faith and convictions then tells P that God Himself sent HA for him. #hypocrite

The next day P and Madi take a helicopter to this Uluru rock formation that is apparently super spiritual and sacred. Afterwards they are sitting on the desert floor swatting at flies and talking. Madi is talking about walking away so P can find what he’s looking for. Swat. About how different they are. Swat. She doesn’t want to SWAT change him and they may not be the SWAT best for each other. Can someone turn on a fan or something to combat these flies??? Madi decides to leave so P walks her to her car and she leaves in tears.

I have to give her credit. She’s not smart enough to watch a YouTube tutorial on mascara BUT she does know they are worlds apart when it comes to their lives. I mean, she’s a super religious small town girl and he’s a LA pilot who loves to …party… wink, wink. She’d have to move to LA and be all alone away from her family while he’s flying everywhere. It would be extremely difficult on a good day.

The next day Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance to talk to P. CH hasn’t even shaved for this! And here’s P looking like he’s lost his girl, truck, and his dog in one day!

Later, HA & P meet up and go to a kangaroo sanctuary. I hope ABC donated some money to this place! They get to hold and feed and love on some baby kangaroos and this is the ONLY time I’ve been jealous of HA this season. HA knows something is off with P. P has all the time in the world but he never mentions that Madi is gone. Interesting. That night HA gets all dressed up and lights an alarming amount of candles to set the mood. P shows up in a hoodie. Nice effort P! They talk and HA does her best to reassure P that she loves him. P just sighs a lot. He leaves and that’s it for tonight!!!

Part 2 coming up soon!!! Until then BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹

Bachelor Week 10

Women Tell All

Before we get to the Women Tell All, we pick back up in Australia on the day of the Rose Ceremony following Fantasy Suites. And let me tell you, Peter looks HAGGARD!!! Chris Harrison asks him how he’s doing and P instantly starts tearing up. The man needs some rest. And therapy. Hannah Ann and Victoria are waiting at the Rose Ceremony but Madison hasn’t arrived yet. Madi finally walks in, dramatically late. And wearing a short, red dress to boot! HA gets the first rose. P then calls Madi’s name and Madi lets out this big sigh and hesitates just long enough to make everyone uncomfortable. P asks Madi if she accepts the rose and she answers with an angry “yeah”. P- You sure? Madi- “yeah”. So enthusiastic! Feel the love!!!

That means Victoria F is going home!!! Yay!!! She and P sit on a bench so they can say goodbye and he starts in with his goodbye speech. Vic- I don’t want to hear it. She instantly gets all attitude-y again! BYE!

Back with the girls, P gives them champagne and Madi makes a toast with zero enthusiasm in her eyes- “Let’s see if love really can conquer all.” P should be a bit scared of Madi (and her eyelashes!)

Women Tell All

Before we start I have to point out that Kelly wasn’t invited. And that’s just wrong ABC!!!

As per usual, Chris Harrison asks ONE question and the ladies erupt into finger pointing and name calling and tears and trying to shriek over each other to be heard.

Hot Seat

Kelsey is up first and she’s pretty composed and poised. Where’s the hot mess we saw all season?? OH!!! I know!!! I read that this was filmed BEFORE the next Bachelorette was named. Makes sense now! All the ladies are auditioning (unofficially) for the role of the next Bachelorette. Hence, no hot mess Kels. There’s much talk of Kelsey’s crying and of course Champagne Gate. Then Ashley I comes out and presents Kels with a humongous magnum of champagne that Kels cradles like a baby. My precious.

Victoria F is up next and she’s also calm and articulate. I’m shocked that she doesn’t melt into a puddle of vocal fry and tears! CH even asks her about her homewrecking reputation and of course she denies, denies, denies. Hmmm.

There’s a segment of CH & Peter crashing Bachelor watch parties with P’s parents in tow. That is until the last party when his parents stay in the SUV to make out!!! Love them!!!

P comes up to the hot seat next and they bring Vic up. Vic is still being all poised and calm and even goes so far as apologizing for her behavior! Then CH opens up the floor to questions from the ladies and Savannah asks P if he regrets keeping all the drama queens and sending home all the girls who were there for the right reasons?? Yay Savannah!!! He says he just followed his heart. Boring!!!

Bloopers are up next which are always so fun!

Then CH brings Rachel out. If you remember, Rachel was the first, and only, person of color to be cast as the lead in this franchise. They spoke about all the horrible hate messages and comments that POC get because of this show and their exposure to the public. The cameras keep panning to women of color on the panel and in the audience. I get what ABC was trying to do here but I think they missed the mark a bit. Neither CH or Rachel said the words “racism” or “racist” but that’s exactly what this is!!! I think ABC failed to really tackle this head on. I couldn’t help but tear up when Rachel read some of the comments and messages she and other women of color have received. I just can’t imagine being on the receiving end of SO MUCH HATE. How can people hate strangers so much?? I don’t understand that level of negative energy. I’m so thankful that none of my readers or commenters on Facebook have ever responded to one of my recaps with anything resembling hate speech. Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to get deleted, blocked, unfriended, etc. by me. These people are on tv but they are PEOPLE! And while I may make fun of someone’s dress or something they say, there’s a line I just won’t cross.

And after Rachel’s segment we got a sneak peek at next week’s dumpster fire, I mean, episode. I’ve never seen a Bachelor so tormented as P and I can’t wait!!! Until then my BBs!!! xo šŸŒ¹