We start this episode back at the theatre where Peter and Alabama Hannah are crying and talking it out backstage. Meanwhile, all the girls on this group date are still writing out their sex stories to tell onstage to a live audience, but they are getting anxious and keep asking where is Peter? Peter is in a dark room telling AH that “I never said no to you.” My heart! Why don’t they just run off together??? AH is curled up in his lap while they cry and look at each other for what feels like 12 years. Then FINALLY P says he can’t do this and he’s going back to the girls and goodbye and WHAT? That’s it?? So I guess that’s the end of the Alabama Hannah romance!
Peter gathers up the girls and cancels the rest of the date. Natasha and some of the others are pissssed and I’m just sitting here like WOMAN, you just lucked out! You don’t have to embarrass yourself in front of strangers and America! Later at the after party during Natasha’s alone time with P she lets him know how unhappy he is and I’m thinking this is pretty risky behavior for so early in the season! Mykenna and P dance a bit and kiss and all I hear is her saying likelikelike and I want to stab my eardrums to make it stop! And did she just refer to herself in the 3rd person?? Kill her now!!! Sydney gets the date rose and it must be for how she opened up about growing up biracial in the South and how that was hard and it’s the most genuine thing I’ve seen on this show in years.
Next up is the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party~
Lexi has to remind P 3 times who she is and even I have to look up her name in my notes when she drops the clue that she’s the one who drove up in the vintage Corvette. This does not bode well for you Lexi!
Kelsey sets up a little vignette with a blanket, candles, and a bottle of Champagne she brought from the Champagne capital of the US – De Moines, Iowa!!! Plus she’s been saving it for a full year for a special occasion. I’m thinking that stuff has not aged well, but you do you Kels. Kelsey says this bottle “totally represents me” and goes to find P but he’s gone off with Mykenna. So now Kelsey is in tears and confronts Mykenna with “You’re disrespectful and you disrespected me.” Ok, but I think the bigger issue here is why is there maple syrup on the coffee table? I have questions ABC!!!
Madison and P are talking and he gives her a framed picture from their 1st date of them with his family. Seems like a pretty serious gift for someone after a first date, but that’s just me. On the other hand she’ll have something to throw across the room if he dumps her!
Meanwhile Kelsey is STILL waiting to share this champagne with P. But alas! P & Hannah Ann stumble upon Kelsey’s little set up and pop the champagne. It twas the pop heard round the mansion! Literally. Kelsey hears the pop and walks over to P & HA in tears and says “Excuse me” but then turns and runs away crying. P follows her to the bathroom but she won’t talk to him. So he goes back to HA & the champagne. Not two minutes later Kels comes upon them & starts cussing out HA right in front of Peter! Big mistake. Huge. P takes Kels to a sofa and all Kels can say between sobs is “I set that up. I set that up.” Kels then knocks over a different bottle of champagne! P picks it up and opens it. Kels drinks straight from the bottle and y’all….the champagne foams up and spews all over her heavily made up face!!! I had to pause the show so I could laugh and laugh!!!
Kelsey is swearing that HA knew that was Kelsey’s champagne and popped it anyway. And boy is Kelsey swearing! She’s getting bleeped left & right while she’s blessing out HA. HA is apologizing and trying to get a word in edgewise, but can’t because Sailor Kels won’t let her. Kels calls HA a fake bitch & a princess & generally just verbally tears her down. It’s brutal. Tammy tells the camera “I don’t wanna be involved in this champagne crisis anymore!!!” You & me both girl. You & me both.
Mykenna gets the first rose. HA says to the camera “I took a beating tonight”. But HA gets a rose. They cut to Kels saying “F&#$ that!” Ha!!! Wait, who’s the girl in the hideous pink and white striped sequin dress??? My eyes!!! Kelsey inexplicably gets the last rose. You can’t tell me that wasn’t producer driven right there my friends.
Going home are 3 women I feel like I’m just seeing for the first time: Courtney, Lauren, and Payton. WHO???
After they leave there’s the group champagne toast and P asks Kels to give a toast and y’all she flat out refuses! This girl is such a hot mess brat I can’t stand it!!! She says to the group “It’s better if I keep my mouth shut right now”. I can’t even with this girl.
The next day there’s a group date at Revolve, which is apparently a v popular clothing store. The group walks in and Carson Presley, Janice Dickinson (and her botched plastic surgeryfied face), and a lady from Revolve are there. The girls have to walk the catwalk in front of an audience in Revolve clothing. The winner of the fashion show gets EVERYTHING in the store!!!
Victoria F starts freaking out because she lacks confidence. She spends the whole day in tears. The girls have to model 2 outfits- 1 day and 1 night. HA hits the runway in a bridal gown for her day look and throws P the veil. When Natasha takes the runway, Carson Presley calls her a “really sexy Amish person” and I die laughing! Kels brings a bottle of champagne with her on the runway and I swear if I have to type the words Kelsey and champagne ever again Ima send Kels a bill for my carpal tunnel surgery! Anyway she hands the bottle to P. Talk about beating a dead horse! Victoria F, the self described meek and mild girl, comes out in a teddy and a trench coat, risking a nip slip for sure! On her way down the catwalk she stops and makes out with P for a while.
HA and Victoria F are in the top 2 but HA wins. This sends Vic F over the edge. Vic says she’s done and going home.
Vic F is STILL pouting about HA winning. Get over yourself girl. No man wants to see you boohooing and being a bad sport! P is telling her she killed it and all Vic is giving back is pout it’s just so hard and pout sharing you is hard and pout something else about something being hard. OMG! come on lady! Pull yourself together!!! P keeps reassuring her and they make out.
P then brings champagne to Kelsey. Ugh. Meanwhile HA is, for some odd reason, pouting about last night and saying that Kels is bullying her. Can’t you just be happy you just won a whole new wardrobe??? Kels comes back to the group on a HIGH after chatting with P. When it’s HA’s turn she is sure to tell P that she was up all last night crying and “my spirit is crushed” and I’m being bullied by Kelsey.
P goes back to the group, gives Victoria F the rose, then pulls Kels aside to talk. P asks her about the bullying and Kels says “I don’t like HA and she knows it” but claims even though she did in fact call HA a fake bitch princess that she’s not a bully. Just a trash mouth. Kels then goes back to the group in tears while P is pacing outside contemplating what to do about the situation.
And my BBs, that’s where ABC leaves us. Now, I won’t be able to watch next week’s episode until the following week when I’ll recap both episodes that Tuesday. Stay classy my BBs!!! 🌹