pop culture, tv

Bachelor in Paradise Week 1 Night 1

Week 1 Night 1- First ABC starts us off with some intros and it’s a good thing because I have no idea who some of these people are! And I don’t miss an episode! Like Katie, and Jane! WHO??? So let’s get to the beach, shall we?
Hannah G is the first to arrive and I’m already sick of her as she runs around acting like she’s never seen a beach before. For those who may not remember, she was on Colton’s season and has the personality of a lukewarm tortilla. Blake arrives, then Katie, Dylan, Sydney (who??), Derek, Tayshia and her ginormous boobs, then Kevin (who?), Wills (yay!), Demi (double yay!). Onyeka arrives blaring an air horn and if you didn’t know, that’s the quickest way to get me to want you bounced off the show. Cam (VOMIT) shows up wearing a leopard print shirt and I just can’t. John Paul Jones comes tearing down the stairs in a tiny little speedo. Chris B is back for some reason. He gives me the creeps. Jane, Annaliese, Bibiana, Nicole the cryer, and Clay are next to arrive. Wells is back as bartender (LOVE him!). Then Caelynn gets there and Blake freaks out. I’ll explain later.
Men hand out the roses this week. Blake gets the first date card. Everyone thinks he’s going to ask Hannah G because they’ve been talking and flirting. Even HG gets all bright eyed when he announces his pick. BUT….he chooses Tayshia. Their date (while in a pretty setting) is boring. They just go to fake dinner amongst all these millions of fairy lights and then make out in a hot tub.
Meanwhile back at the resort, Demi and Derek are making out in the hot tub while Dylan is going on and on about how great HG is. I just don’t see it! But Dylan and HG make out in the treehouse and he’s about to burst with excitement! I guess HG is over Blake already!
It’s the next day and Caelynn is spilling the Blake tea to Onyeka. And here it is: Blake and Cae “dated” for a couple months. Then at a music festival called StageCoach they had sex. But the night before he had sex with Kristina the Russian from Kentucky. That’s just gross. Not Kristina, but having sex with 2 different women in a 24 hour period. THEN Blake told Caelynn to lie to everyone in Paradise about their relationship and keep it a secret. This does not sit well with Cae. NO woman wants to be your dirty little secret Blake! Gah! Now, Caelynn has already told Wells all about the Blake drama and Wells said she needed to share the info. So then Cae goes and tells Sydney. And who arrives next? Kristina. And Blake looks like he’d rather have a colonoscopy on that beach than deal with these 2 women right now. Kristina has a date card and asks Blake to go. She then tells the camera she’s about to make Blake her bitch! Can’t wait to see how all this shakes out tomorrow BBs!!! xo 🌹