And so it begins… Alabama Hannah’s season of the Bachelorette! Week 1. We begin with a montage of Alabama Hannah in a field and leaning against some poles while her voiceover laments about not being able to find love. The girl could not be more awkward! And I swear if I hear ROLL TIDE all night long I’m going to have to stab my eyes out! Of course they make a point to show AH’s pageant history, lest we forget!
Then we have the little intros to the men. The short videos in their hometowns. None of these guys ever seem to make it to the end so get a good look now my people! Mike from Dallas seems super sweet with his great grandma. Joe the Box King is on my tv for 3.8 seconds and I already can’t stand the man.
Next up are the limo entrances. I should start a ROLL TIDE tally!
Garrett the golf pro is out of the limo first. He has a healthy head of hair on him!
Mike is super sweet still. That’s good to see!
Jed the singer/songwriter is 100% here for his career.
Tyler C the dancing contractor gives me the heebie jeebies and I just don’t know why.
Dylan is up next, then Connor who jumps the fence. It’s been done, bro.
Devin tells a virgin joke and I want to punch him in the throat. I thought we left the virgin stuff behind us!!!
John Paul Jones is next and if you think I’m typing out John Paul Jones all season you’ve got another thing coming! Also, he lists his occupation as John Paul Jones. SO WEIRD.
Brian throws his head WAY back when he laughs.
Scott is so nervous I almost feel badly for him!
Matteo is just as nervous.
Daron reminds me of someone but I can’t think who.
Tyler gives INTENSE eye contact. #squirm
Thomas and Matt are up next and I honestly can’t remember a thing about them.
Then a forklift pulls up with a big box on it marked Fragile (so it must be Italian amirite???) Joe the Box King jumps out and styrofoam packing peanuts fly errrrrrywhere! They are going to be finding peanuts all season! So bad for the environment Joe the Box King!!!
Joey shows up with a baby seat for some reason.
Connor J is speaking French and I don’t know why. He has a lady face by the way.
Ryan “Roller Boy” literally rolls up yelling ROLL TIDE and I’ve never wished someone would wipe out more than I do now. Oh don’t feel badly for Ryan the Roller Boy, he’s wearing a helmet!!!
Hunter the surfer is next and following him is unemployed Grant who keeps making silly puns about how it’s a sausage party in there. Dude brought his own mustard.
The puns keep coming as Kevin gets out of the limo with an armful of footballs that he drops everywhere.
Luke follows that by climbing up on top of the limo and GROWLING at AH who GROWLS back. Lawd help me I may need to start drinking to get through this season!
Another Luke is next and he’s about as exciting as printer paper.
Dustin shows up wearing giant white shoes with his suit which I don’t understand.
Cam hops out of the limo rapping. Look bruh, you rapped at After the Final Rose and it was cute. Now you’re doing it again and someone needs to pop you upside the head. Not cute anymore.
A huge red tractor roars up the driveway and sitting atop it is Matt Donald wearing a giant hat. Sigh.
Chasen is up next and he’s a pilot and is super cute but I can’t get past his stupid name. Someone call Child Services for this poor boy! Chasen. Ugh.
Peter the Pilot steps out of the limo in his pilot uniform and hold on I’ll be right back I’m gonna go slide into his DMs. V handsome in that uniform.
Ok so there’s 30 men but I’m missing one. Whoever he is must not have made that much of an impression. #shrug
AH says a quick prayer before entering the party and I love that. She walks in and greets the guys and she is looking so good in her dress! #fireOne of the Lukes grabs her first and here we go! Lady Face Connor throws her a bachelorette party with a bunch of elementary school games, which reads a bit odd to me.
Rapper Cam steals the first kiss of the night.
Then out of nowhere, Demi (yay!!!) and some other girl (who?) pull up in an undercover FBI van with surveillance equipment claiming that they were told on social media that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home. Yeah, just ONE I bet! HA! I betcha half a dozen of these punks have girlfriends back home!
Back to the party, Joe the Box King acts like he’s walking around a Bar Mitzvah with a microphone. He’s just way too “on” for me.
Peter Pilot has a baby face under that pilot’s cap.
Ooh and Demi finally spots the dude with the girlfriend! And it’s Nervous Scott! Chris Harrison pulls AH aside and she goes to see Demi and that rando girl who tell her about Scott’s GF. Then AH does something that makes me like her a bit more. She marches into the house, points to Scott and says “We need to talk!” The other guys are shaking in their boots!
They go sit outside somewhere and AH comes for him. He is pretty dodgy about it but the truth comes out. Scott JUST broke up with his GF MONDAY!!!! The nerve!!! Then he has the gall to bring up Colton and tries to say it’s the same thing?!?! Boy, BYE. AH marches him back through the house in front of everyone and to the front door. Then she goes back outside and cries a bit about it. Luke the Growler goes out to console her, which was nice. BUT AH says a couple of times that she’s freezing and he never gives her his jacket! FAIL.
And the party is back on! Connor S gets a kiss. Everyone is eyeing the first impression rose. Growler Luke gets it and they share a BIG kiss. I swear he’s about to suck her top lip into a different dimension! GL comes on a wee bit strong for my taste.
Turns out shortie Jonathan is the guy I missed at intros. He gets a rose. JPJ (John Paul Jones) gets the last rose and that boy just makes my skin crawl!!!
Going home tonight are Old Matt Donald, Chasen, Joe the Box King (don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!), Brian, Hunter (WHO???), Ryan, and Thomas. The only one I’m a little shocked by is Chasen. Yes, I hate his name. BUT he’s a stone cold fox AND a pilot (free flights!!!) so he has a respectable job! Unlike our clear villain of the season – JPJ.
Previews- Cam talks about himself in the 3rd person and that’s a straight up punchable offense.
Credits- Chris Harrison sweeping up Joe the Box King’s packing peanuts and muttering cuss words is the kind of tv content we all need right now!
Until next week…. xo🌹