How Dare You

I know a couple who decided to grow their family through adoption.  They went to China and adopted one of the most beautiful, witty, smart, funny, adorable little girls you’d ever have the pleasure of knowing.  This couple is one fine set of parents.  The little girl knows her manners, more importantly, uses her manners, and is just full of amazing qualities that were taught by her parents.  Her parents who love her to the moon and back and would gladly give their right arm and more for her.  She is their daughter through and through and it makes not one bit of difference to any of them or the people who know and love them, that she was not a product of their egg and sperm.

Because let me tell you something, biology does not a family make.  You aren’t related to your spouse.  But you are family. You know what makes family?  Love.  Plain and simple.

Let me tell you what happened to that family recently.  Some ass hat (yeah, I’m not holding back on this one) told their child, who we’ll call Bubba, or maybe Bubba just overheard, whatever, doesn’t matter, it was said.  Then Bubba went to school with my friend’s child, who we’ll call Jill, and told her that Jill’s mommy bought her from another mommy.  HOW DARE YOU.  And by you I mean the parent here.  Cause that kid is just a little kid and he/she doesn’t know any better.  Because you see, parents are supposed to teach their children the right thing to do.  So Bubba didn’t know (I’m assuming) that what he was saying was hurtful.  That what he said basically compared sweet Jill to a commodity, an item to be purchased, merchandise, a pair of socks.  And you know what you can do with a pair of socks?  You can return a pair of socks.  You can throw away a pair of socks.  A pair of socks is pretty cheap.

And this can make a little adopted girl feel pretty dang bad about herself.  And her place in her family.  And her self worth.

How dare you.  Let me tell you something, I am SO fired up about this.  Learning about this brought me to tears. Not just because I love Jill with a fierceness, but also because we too are on the adoption path.  We started down this path long before I had my hysterectomy.  Long before we were out of biological options.  We CHOSE adoption.  We are choosing to build our family through adoption because we want children and guess what?  There are children who want parents.  We aren’t trying to be heroes.  We aren’t looking for medals or stained glass windows erected in our honor.  And you know what else?  The children we are adopting aren’t merchandise.  They aren’t throwaway kids.  They are loved beyond measure.

Listen up you judging jackholes. Don’t you dare dismiss what I’m about to say with “Well, you’re just bitter because you can’t have your own children.”  What I have to say is valid and you know it.  How dare you judge how someone chooses to build their family. How dare you let those words come out of your mouth.  How dare you follow up with “Well, you know what I mean” or “I just don’t think before I speak”. How dare you.  No, we don’t know what you mean.  What do you mean?  Do you mean that we don’t love our kids as much as you love yours?  Are our kids subpar somehow?  How dare you imply with your reckless comments that our family is not as valid as yours.  That just because our kids don’t look like us they are any less our children.  You know what?  Anyone can get knocked up on a Saturday night.  But I would never think to say to my children “I wonder if Bubba’s parents’ condom broke or if he was planned”.  So how dare you even think it’s ok to ponder aloud Jill’s origins in such a way.  Why do people think it’s ok to discuss these things?

Jill’s mother had a great deal of tact.  She would never follow up a rude question about Jill’s origins with a rude one of her own.  She would never say “Hey, so did Bob get you from behind when you conceived Bubba?”  Or “Guess that birth control patch really isn’t 100%” or “Do you just call Bubba your little mistake?”

How dare you not think before you speak about our families.  How dare you teach your children that it’s ok to say such things. How dare you think it’s ok to ask such personal questions of us at the grocery store or park.  I am not naive enough to think that this won’t happen to my family.  When it does I hope I have as much tact as Jill’s mom.  And not punch you judging jackholes right in the throat.

11 thoughts on “How Dare You”

  1. Jill’s mom is a lot more patient than I would have been. It’s ridiculous what some people say. Use the filter between your brain and mouth!!!


  2. Very well said Shannon. There is just no excuse for rude, ignorant and just plain stupid people. Why a parent would tell a child that is beyone stupid.


  3. OMG…can I print this out and quote you when the situation arises–because we know it will arise sooner or later…there are just too many ignorant people out there. Go Shannon!!!


  4. This isn’t the first time we’ve had problems with the kids Jill goes to school with. The difference this time is Jill thinks she needs to protect the little kid who said it and refuses to budge on it. I”m not as upset with the kid as I am the parent. Adopted children are biological children. Biology is a part of every single one of us…she just doesn’t share my biology. And because of that, she doesn’t burn in the moonlight, she won’t have my blah, dull lifeless blond hair and she won’t ever have to worry about towering six inches over her junior prom date.

    It’s hard to teach a 5 y.o. to be resilient to such crap. It’s hard to reassure her that she is every bit of good as the other kids. They point the fingers at her because she looks different. Never mind there are several adopted children she attends classes/plays with. They just don’t know it because they “blend.” Week before last, she was told by same group of kids she had to marry a black boy because she’s not white. Seriously. She hid her face from me as she asked me was it true because she likes white boys because they have pretty yellow hair. I had to try and explain race on a level that is just more than our skin color. I had to explain to her that she could do anything and be anything she wanted to. I also explained to her that her choices weren’t just black and white…and we sang “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.” I can’t begin to tell you just how hard it is to explain, in an age-appropriate, reapeatable manner, that some people are just freaking clueless and they thrive off of bringing others down.

    I knew this would happen. I’m not naive. I’m not clueless and I sure don’t live behind a white picket fence with rose colored glasses on. What I am is a parent who is outraged by the bullsh*t that teachers at her CHRISTIAN school sit back and let go and only address when it’s brought up. Yes, some of them know. I know they do because they have told me they’ve heard things. I’m outraged that a parent would be so classless and tactless to judge families who have chosen to adopt.

    I’m very, very tactful and mindful of my comments to Jill because I refuse to let her bring other people down with hatred. She is allowed, however, to choose just when and how she responds. Just as ignorance isn’t born, neither is slick wit and we’re perfecting the art of the verbal smack down that won’t land her in time out. However, I’m not so much with the administration and asshats who bring my child down. The child who would give you the shirt off her back and who understands that our skin color doesn’t make us who we are. The child who emptied her change purse to make sure her box for the leukemia fund raiser was full. We make us who we are and I told Jill that no one, including the booger eating kid who said mean stuff and his booger eating parents, could ever change our family. She’s 5, you gotta keep it age appropriate with examples she’ll understand. Yes, I called them booger eaters. He’s 4 or 5, of course he eats boogers. This also cured another ill with us…she swore off eating any more of her boogers because she didn’t want to be like the boy with the mean words.

    Jill leaves this school at the end of the year. And this helps to solidify my decision.

    We love you to pieces and thanks for standing up for this one.

    Oh, yeah….Regarding getting married, I told her she could marry anyone she wanted to as long as 1. He had lots and lots of money because big houses and fancy cars are expensive and 2. he was hawt. Her response was, “Mooommmyyyy…You can’t marry a boy just because his piggy bank is bigger than yours. That’s not right.” And she broke out into hysterical laughter. However, she didn’t dismiss the hot thing… Just saying.


  5. And you can send those asshats who diss you, CSP and Lil Saftey Pants to me. I have a whole six pack of whoop arse that’s just waiting to be opened on someone. And I just might have some pent up rage and a little PMS, too. That’s a lethal combination and I’m taking them down, baby. D.O.W.N. *smooches*


  6. Preach it.

    Sadly, this is way too common, this ignorance and judgement from those not intimately familiar with adoption.

    And I also second everything you said ALSO as a parent who chose adoption as our first option.


  7. This infuriates me! I love you. I love Jill. And, I love Jill’s mom. I, too, will open one hella can of whoop ass on anyone who messes with my ladies.


  8. Oh my Shannon you said it so well and I really do like “jackhole” I might have to add that one to my vocab…you go girl!


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