How Dare You

I know a couple who decided to grow their family through adoption.  They went to China and adopted one of the most beautiful, witty, smart, funny, adorable little girls you’d ever have the pleasure of knowing.  This couple is one fine set of parents.  The little girl knows her manners, more importantly, uses her manners, and is just full of amazing qualities that were taught by her parents.  Her parents who love her to the moon and back and would gladly give their right arm and more for her.  She is their daughter through and through and it makes not one bit of difference to any of them or the people who know and love them, that she was not a product of their egg and sperm.

Because let me tell you something, biology does not a family make.  You aren’t related to your spouse.  But you are family. You know what makes family?  Love.  Plain and simple.

Let me tell you what happened to that family recently.  Some ass hat (yeah, I’m not holding back on this one) told their child, who we’ll call Bubba, or maybe Bubba just overheard, whatever, doesn’t matter, it was said.  Then Bubba went to school with my friend’s child, who we’ll call Jill, and told her that Jill’s mommy bought her from another mommy.  HOW DARE YOU.  And by you I mean the parent here.  Cause that kid is just a little kid and he/she doesn’t know any better.  Because you see, parents are supposed to teach their children the right thing to do.  So Bubba didn’t know (I’m assuming) that what he was saying was hurtful.  That what he said basically compared sweet Jill to a commodity, an item to be purchased, merchandise, a pair of socks.  And you know what you can do with a pair of socks?  You can return a pair of socks.  You can throw away a pair of socks.  A pair of socks is pretty cheap.

And this can make a little adopted girl feel pretty dang bad about herself.  And her place in her family.  And her self worth.

How dare you.  Let me tell you something, I am SO fired up about this.  Learning about this brought me to tears. Not just because I love Jill with a fierceness, but also because we too are on the adoption path.  We started down this path long before I had my hysterectomy.  Long before we were out of biological options.  We CHOSE adoption.  We are choosing to build our family through adoption because we want children and guess what?  There are children who want parents.  We aren’t trying to be heroes.  We aren’t looking for medals or stained glass windows erected in our honor.  And you know what else?  The children we are adopting aren’t merchandise.  They aren’t throwaway kids.  They are loved beyond measure.

Listen up you judging jackholes. Don’t you dare dismiss what I’m about to say with “Well, you’re just bitter because you can’t have your own children.”  What I have to say is valid and you know it.  How dare you judge how someone chooses to build their family. How dare you let those words come out of your mouth.  How dare you follow up with “Well, you know what I mean” or “I just don’t think before I speak”. How dare you.  No, we don’t know what you mean.  What do you mean?  Do you mean that we don’t love our kids as much as you love yours?  Are our kids subpar somehow?  How dare you imply with your reckless comments that our family is not as valid as yours.  That just because our kids don’t look like us they are any less our children.  You know what?  Anyone can get knocked up on a Saturday night.  But I would never think to say to my children “I wonder if Bubba’s parents’ condom broke or if he was planned”.  So how dare you even think it’s ok to ponder aloud Jill’s origins in such a way.  Why do people think it’s ok to discuss these things?

Jill’s mother had a great deal of tact.  She would never follow up a rude question about Jill’s origins with a rude one of her own.  She would never say “Hey, so did Bob get you from behind when you conceived Bubba?”  Or “Guess that birth control patch really isn’t 100%” or “Do you just call Bubba your little mistake?”

How dare you not think before you speak about our families.  How dare you teach your children that it’s ok to say such things. How dare you think it’s ok to ask such personal questions of us at the grocery store or park.  I am not naive enough to think that this won’t happen to my family.  When it does I hope I have as much tact as Jill’s mom.  And not punch you judging jackholes right in the throat.