Everyone’s a critic

American Idol is coming on tonight.  Just like every other week I will record the episode on the dvr so I can skip commercials and rewind if necessary.  And then I will sit there and judge these people.  I know, I know, thou shalt not judge and glass houses and all.  But I can’t help myself!  Now, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.  I am tone deaf.  I have no idea what pitch really is.  But every January when Idol rolls around I turn into a music guru.  Why these people don’t listen to me, I don’t know.  It’s almost as if they’ve never even watched the show themselves!  They make the same mistakes every year.  If I could grab a contestant back stage and give them some tips here’s what I’d tell them:

• Don’t wink, wave, blow kisses, or do any funky movements while you’re singing.  Simon will instantly tell you that your performance is karaoke if you do this.
• DO NOT sing anything by Celine, Mariah, Michael Jackson, Whitney, Sting, or anyone else iconic.  THEY SING BETTER THAN YOU.  It’s not your fault, it’s just the way it is.  If this were an art competition you wouldn’t try to duplicate the Mona Lisa.
• Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop with the yeaaahhh yeahs at the end of the song.  I know you have a minute and 20 seconds to knock our socks off and you probably want to fill that time, but I’d take a minute 18 with no yeah yeahs any day.
• When you choose your outfit for your performance don’t ask a fellow contestant if you look good.  Find a stylist, a friend or a stranger on the street.  This is a competition and your competitors want you to go on stage looking like you robbed a hobo for your clothes because then they will, by default, look better than you.  Just ask Jackie from last week.  Simon was gobsmacked over her shiny pants, giant sneakers, and big red belt as well as her choice of an Elvis song.  And sure enough, she didn’t make the top 12.
• Do not choose a song that a former Idol winner has released as a single.  You don’t want people comparing you to other Idols.  You want to stand out.  We don’t need 3 more Kelly Clarksons.
• Listen to Simon.  He knows what he’s talking about.

Whew.  Now that I’ve got that out of my system I’m ready for the next group of singers!  I’ve got my cell phone charged and I’m ready to vote!