I received this card the other day, just in time for Mother’s Day. For most people Mother’s Day means brunch and flowers and merriment. And that plays into my day too as I celebrate my mom and my sister (who’s a mom). But Mother’s Day is also bittersweet for me. Because I’ve always, always, as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mom. Every year since I turned 30 and the Clomid didn’t work for us I’ve sort of dreaded this day. But there was always a glimmer of hope for us to become parents so each Mother’s Day I get up and get dressed up and join my mom and my sisters and we spend the day together.
But today is different. Today my mom is out of town helping my youngest sister move. So Mother’s Day has a different sort of feel. But mostly today is different because my glimmer of hope is almost faded out. I’m 45 now and still childless. But not because we didn’t try, that’s for sure. We tried international adoption (2 different countries) and that didn’t work out for various reasons. Then we were matched up by a friend with a birthmother who, after a few months, changed her mind. We took a year off after that, to heal. Then we joined a domestic foster to adopt program. Our social worker told us “Give me a year and I’ll have you matched with a child.” EIGHT years later we still didn’t have a match. We came close a few times. Last year we even drove 8 hours to Northern Virginia to be interviewed for a child who ultimately went to another family. Then in December of last year our home study expired again and would require more money, more time, more paperwork, more effort. And by then CSP was worn out. He was over it. I was tired too, but I always finish what I start so I was willing to go through it all again. But I can’t be a married single parent. I can’t do it alone. So we let our home study expire. And my heart broke into a thousand little pieces.
I was watching a tv show the other day where a lady (we’ll call Susie) was having twins via surrogate after 8 miscarriages and 13 failed IVF trials. She was talking with another lady (we’ll call Karen) who was 35 and unmarried with no prospects and was considering freezing her eggs. Susie told Karen “If you want to be a mom, you’ll be a mom, whether it’s through biology or adoption, you’ll find a way.” That really hit home because I thought when my body failed me and I had to have a hysterectomy, that I’d found my way- through adoption. But now I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mom. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me. I do know that my heart hurts. That some days I feel useless, like my life doesn’t have much purpose or direction if I can’t be a mom. That I’ll end up all alone, forgotten in some nursing home somewhere when I’m old. So when my dear friend sent that thoughtful and sweet card that reminds me that I AM strong, brave, beautiful, cared about, and loved, it was just what I needed! I have faith and friends and family who love me and my story isn’t over.
I’m thankful for the internet. Not just for daily tasks (but we do rely on it for everything- I mean, when’s the last time anyone used a phone book?), but for Facebook and Twitter and blogs. I’m on Facebook every day. It’s how I keep in touch with so many friends and family. It’s how I’ve reconnected with long lost friends. And through Twitter and my blog I’ve met some of the greatest people! I can’t imagine not being able to check in on my peeps’ lives now that I’m so used to it. I’m also thankful for the internet for shopping! I rarely shop at a brick and mortar store anymore for clothes, gifts, etc.. Love online shopping. I love mail anyway so to get goodies in the mail is even better!
Yesterday I had the pleasure of watching Susan’s daughter Olivia for a few hours. She is 6 years old and smart as a whip. She said the FUNNIEST things! I wanted to make sure to save them for posterity.
- She was playing with the pugs when she said “I wish I could teach them to roll over. Then you could win one of those pet talent contests on tv. You’d win a 4 night cruise. I hope you don’t get seasick. You don’t do you?”
- At Grand Asia Market where she tried bubble tea for the first time – “Yours tastes like chocolate mixed with disgusting.”
- At my house – “I have the best idea for our vacation next year.” Me- Who’s vacation? Yours and your parents? O- “No, mine and yours. We’ll go on a 4 night cruise and go to Atlantis.” Me- Atlantis?? O- “Yeah, you know, the resort in the Bahamas. You know it. I have $50 at home. I don’t want you to spend all your money, so I think that will cover it. We’ll go and spend time together.”
- I was painting her nails when she said “You have the clear top coat right? Cause I don’t want any chips.”
- On the way to meet Susan I plugged my iPhone in to the car to charge. O thought I was plugging in an iPod and asked if that’s what I was doing. I said “Do you want to listen to some music?” She replied “Why can’t we just talk? Let’s talk about our lives. How was your day? Tell me about your day. What do you think the future will be like?”
She is the cutest, most articulate, most polite little thing! I had a blast!
Image via Wikipedia
I attended the season opener double header of the Charlotte Roller Girls. It was a lot of fun! Ever since I went to a bout last season with Christina, Gigi & Momo & Michelle have been wanting to go. So I treated them for Gigi’s Mother’s Day present (Gigi & Momo- Michelle was on her own. 🙂 ). First we met up with my friends Michelle and Lynda at the wonderful Crepe Cellar in NoDa. Lynda’s cousins are the chef and pastry chef there! They were so sweet and sent out an order of their Brie Pesto Fries and Chili Shrimp as appetizers. SO YUMMY! We noshed on those then ordered our dessert crepes. Gigi and I both ordered the mascarpone and berries crepe and Momo ordered the Bananas Foster crepe. O.M.G. I can’t even tell you how good they are. I want one now. I want one every single day. We all had a great time enjoying our meal then we set out to the Grady Cole Center for the Derby!
Even with getting there right after they opened the doors it was still a challenge finding seats together. It’s just so popular and sells out right away! It really is a good entertainment value. Only $10 a ticket for 4 hours of derby! You pay $10 to see a 2 hour movie! We got in and found seats and the action began. Click to enlarge. I love their cute little outfits. Frilly skirts, fishnets, etc. The halftime entertainment was this adorable band called School of Rock. They were all teenagers and they could jam! At one point one of the singers was this 17 year old boy. His mom was sitting next to me. He said “This one’s for the ladies” and sang “Let’s Get it On”! In front of his mom! So funny! He was great though.
We all had a really fun time. Michelle and Lynda left a little early to beat the traffic but that meant they missed the proposal! I wish I’d still had my camera out! One of the referees proposed to one of the skaters. So sweet! We left after that and stopped by IHOP for some late night grub before heading home. You should check in your city and see if you have a roller derby! Those girls are tough. Like Nascar with no cars. And on skates. And girl in skirts. Just go.
Ok, so now you’ve read about dinner and pre-club drinks. Now it’s time for the main event! We were the first to be let in to Howl at the Moon when they opened for the public. I ran to grab a good table and snagged one right up front. If you’ve never been to Howl at the Moon you are in for a treat! And if you have been then you understand why it’s so important to grab a good table. By 10 pm it is standing room only. Howl at the Moon is a rock and roll dueling piano bar. I’m not a bar girl by any means but when I first experienced Howl I knew that’s where we needed to celebrate Morgan’s 21st for a few reasons. 1. It’s not a stand around nursing your drink kind of bar. You get a show. A great show. 2. They play songs everyone knows. From rap to country to classic rock to top 40. 3. The people are friendly. Not just the staff, but the patrons. 4. The musicians are really, really talented. 5. It’s just really fun! Click on all pics to enlarge.
So we ordered our first round of drinks and I got my camera out. We all ordered something called a Pink Passion becauseproceeds go to breast cancer research. What they don’t tell you is how GIANT this drink is! Look how big that thing is! It’s sitting next to Shirlee, my purse, for scale. It was SO good. We would have drank those all night except we saw the bucket drinks and we knew we needed some of those. They come with a handful of straws so everyone gets a taste. Don’t worry, the alcohol kills the germs. They are yummy! Note how normal the first few pictures of the evening are. After a few buckets and a LOT of
singing yelling along with the band, the picture quality gets a littlejanky!
Behind the bar is a big mirrored wall and for a dollar or two you can get them to write a phrase on the mirror. We snagged the first free phrase. You can request songs so we put in for Brown Eyed Girl and they called Momo up on stage to dance along for her birthday. She pulled Ian (one of her roommates) up with her. My camera got passed around and we took over 300 pictures that night. Most were of people drinking from the buckets. At one point this cute girl stopped by our table. She was wearing a hat and a cute dress and was hugging everyone. Then she started drinking from our buckets too! At the end of the night we found out NONE OF US KNEW HER. We all thought she was friends with one of us but she was just a stranger! She hung out with us for a good while too!
As the night went on and the crowd got bigger and drunker, more people ended up on stage. Even Gigi got up on stage! There were lots of characters there that night. Quite a few bachelorette parties, birthday groups, and even some people out celebrating recent wedding engagements.
I haven’t uploaded all of the pictures for a couple reasons. 1. There are only so many pics of people sucking mixed drinks out of a bucket through neon straws that a person should have to see in their lifetime. B. Some of these pictures have been sworn to secrecy. We are all fine, upstanding adults who don’t normally spend our evenings consuming large drinks via bucket.
I will share with you some of my favorites from that night. First let me tell you, we learned some things about each other that night. For one, after a couple cocktails Gigi goes from hugging you to ripping your face off. Exhibit A. Poor Sara! Exhibit B. Poor Allison! What can I say? We’re a very affectionate family. I also learned that our self portraits tend to suffer the later in the evening it gets. Early on: Post bucket drinking: Another thing I learned is that we all have some dance moves that we should probably be ashamed of, especially me. But we all had a BLAST and that’s what counts!
You can see more pics here. Coming soon…part 4. Oh yeah, there’s more.