A Marketer’s Dream

On some levels I am a perpetual 13 year old girl.  I love all things sparkly.  But somewhere inside me also lives a crochety 83 year old girl.  I adore Harriet Carter catalogs.  Any catalog that sells non skid stair treads to the elderly on the same page as “personal massagers” is a gem of a read.  Especially the ads where they don’t even show you the product, they show you a sketch of the item.  That’s trust dude.  Here’s $19.99 for a general depiction.  You’re lucky to get anything close to what you think you ordered.  My 83 year old self also LOVES those tv commercials for those products you just can’t live without.  I even have a wishlist.  I truly, honestly want these things.  I shall share them with you now.  Watch, your wishlist might grow too!

Behold:  The Reacher.  My husband is 6 feet 5 inches tall.  I am 5 feet 7 inches tall.  I’m not short but he seems to think I’m a WNBA player.  He puts things on the highest shelves in our tall tall cabinets.  I haven’t been able to use my apple cutter thing in months because I can’t reach it.  If I had the Reacher, all my problems would be solved!

Behold: ShamWow.  Not only am I amazed at this product, I’m convinced that the ShamWow guy could sell water to a drowning man.  I’m sure I’ve got gallons of liquid spills that need to be cleaned up.  But my only concern is how do you wash it?  If I throw all of the ShamWows into the washing machine will they just suck up all the water and seize up my machine?  ShamWow guy says that Germans made it and I should trust them.  Now, where’s my Visa?

Behold: The Snuggie.  If you are a loved one of mine, turn away, because you just might be getting one of these for Christmas 2009.  Hey, we’re in a recession.  Why not lounge around in synthetic fabric sweating our asses off while we look like monks?  Much better to spend a few dollars now on a giant blanket with sleeves (essentially a backwards ROBE) than to hike up the heat to 70*.  I’m not even joking.  I’ve got my eye on the aqua one.  And the free booklight.

Behold: Smooth Away.  I have severe excema.  This makes using a traditional razor on my legs almost impossible unless I want to walk away looking like I shaved with barbed wire.  So I use an electric razor.  Until I saw the commercial for Smooth Away.  Why not buff off all that unwanted hair with commercial grade sandpaper?  Who needs that top layer of epidermis? Not me!  If I receive this item for my birthday I can get rid of my leg stubble while driving!  Hey, if it’s good enough for the headless man on their site then it’s good enough for me.

Behold: Loud & Clear Sound Amplifier.  I have early hearing loss.  I have a really hard time hearing in busy restaurants and shops especially.  But if I owned this little beauty I could apparently hear conversations from 30 feet away!  According to the commercial I would hear all the people at the beach talk about me as I walk by.  Yeah, THAT’S the stuff I want to hear.  Snide remarks about how my white ass hasn’t seen the business side of the sun in years.  The Loud & Clear is so handy and discreet, people will think it’s a Bluetooth headset.  But what about my real Bluetooth?  Now I’m the jackass walking around the grocery store with 2 headsets on.  I’ll look like a Time Life operator on the loose.  And according to their site, the Loud & Clear weighs 3 pounds.  THREE POUNDS!  That’s a lot of weight hanging off my little ear.  I guess the good news will be I won’t hear my own ear rip off my head under the strain of my discreet hearing aid.