Bless Your Heart

So 13

I just finished watching 13 Going On 30. So cute. And so appropriate since I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m a 13 yr old trapped in a 30 yr old’s body. Maybe it appealed to me because she was 13 in the 80’s like I was. I was looking on the official site trying to find a photo from the movie (I’ll explain that in a minute) and they have the M.A.S.H. game on there. Remember that game? I plugged in some boys names and colors etc. just for fun and you’ll never believe what it spit out!!

You are destined to live in a Mansion in SC.

You will marry Jon and raise 3 kids.

You will work as an artist and drive a pink RAV4.

Holy smokes. The pink things are what I plugged in. I do live in SC, not in a mansion, but my friend Lisa calls it a mansion. I married Jon, 3 is my lucky number (born and married on the 3rd day of the month) and since we’re adopting I can pick the number of kids to have, I do drive a RAV4, albeit silver- not pink, and if it were up to me I’d make money as an artist instead of just dabbling in all my arty crafts. Spooky. Go try it out!

So anyway, the reason I went to the site in the first place. There’s a scene in the movie where everyone breaks out into a synchronized dance to Thriller by Michael Jackson, just like they dance in the video. I know this may sound silly, but I’ve always wanted a dance. One that at any given party me and my friends can just bust out with it. The Electric Slide doesn’t count- everyone knows it and it’s not cool to do outside of a wedding. But have you ever been somewhere and a couple of people just break out into dancing in synch? A couple of girls did it at my wedding to The Devil Went Down to Georgia. So jealous. I don’t have much rhythm but I’m a quick learner if anyone wants to be my choreographer!

I recently took Jon on a little tour of the tiny town where I grew up. One of the funniest things we saw was this store. We loved the name of it…Tha Store. Not The Store. Tha. Love it! Oh, and behind Tha Store is a fenced in area with a horse and a goat. A mini goat- I’m dying for one. I think he’d be a great help keeping the lawn under control. Speaking of livestock, while driving down one of the country roads we saw a fenced in area with lots of cows and deer. I thought it was amazing those deer weren’t scared of the cows, just grazing along next to them, in the middle of the day! You usually see deer at dusk, but not at 2pm! As we got closer I pointed out the amazing deer and asked could he believe such a sight. He said “Yeah, because those aren’t deer, they’re goats!” I thought they were just teeny dear, and I grew up in the country. So ashamed.

We saw my old house, and school, and playground. My old school used to hold K-12 in one school when I attended, now there is an elementary, primary, middle, and high school. I felt so old telling the story…”back in my day we didn’t have these newfangled schools….”

Various and sundry

• I cleaned out my closet and put a few things up on eBay. So I thought I’d give myself a little shameless plug.
• My in-laws’ cat Andy is in the hospital with liver failure. They have 7 cats total, but have had him the longest. Poor little guy is down to 8 lbs.
• Jon and I bought new tires for our cars at the beginning of the month. Yesterday on the way home from work he got a flat tire- a complete blowout. So we spent our Saturday evening back at Sam’s getting a new tire. They were nice enough to give us the tire for free. Yet another reason I highly recommend a membership at Sam’s, even if you aren’t a family of 9 or a small business. A free replacement tire, plus free rotations for life more than make up the price of the membership.
• The same weekend we bought new tires I stopped at the Clinique counter for some new powder and was promptly conned into buying a lip gloss. Yeah, twist my arm. Well, it was a bad color on me but I didn’t know it until I got home. So while we were waiting on Jon’s tire to be replaced I scooted over to the mall and thought I’d give it a shot and see could I get my lip gloss exchanged for a better color. They didn’t even bat an eye! Who knew? Love when retail is on your side.
• A girlfriend of mine has a new love. With an old flame. But was afraid to tell me about it because of my recent infertility drama. I had to coax it out of her. Please tell me your news! Please don’t hold back! I want to hear it all- good, bad, and especially juicy! I’m still your friend even though I’m going through some tough stuff. And besides, talking about your drama means I don’t have to talk about mine! So if you’re holding back, dish it out! I can take it!

Off the Needles

Finally I have a finished piece to show you. I was so scared to bind off, then a couple of weeks ago I just bit the bullet and finished my first scarf. Now I’m knitting up a frenzy. I’m working on 2 more scarves for Christmas presents. This one is for my MIL. And I’m working on a hat for Jon. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to move on from knitting just rectangles and maybe whip up a poncho or something!

Birthday Loot & Thanks

I have yet to mention all the wonderful things I received for my birthday, and they are too fabulous not to mention.

Rachel sent a fun box filled with all kinds of goodies including Knitting Pretty, knitting needles, stationary, bubble tea pearls, earrings she made herself, and bath bombs from Lush.

Lisa presented me with a bunch of goodies including an adorable dragonfly charm, a smoke mask so I can go play Bingo again, some eye masks and pads (much needed to depuff after all the recent cry fests), and bath confetti.

Sara, Marc and Jacob gave me the coolest toaster oven. You know you’re old when you squeal with delight over appliances.

My MIL & FIL gave me another iced tea glass to add to my collection, a cute pug pin, a cookbook from Three Dog Bakery , and the Knit Knack Kit. I’m already making a hat for Jon. Oh, and my MIL made the best cheesecake I’ve ever had for my birthday dinner over there. Smack your mama good.

My Mom, Hale and Morgan gave me a beautiful jewelry box, a book about Well Mannered Dogs, which I think was a hint, some cool towels, and an 80’s cd.

I also received lots of fabulous cards, some gift certificates, and a visit from a dear, dear friend which was worth more to me than all of the above. Plus the camera Jon gave me. My goodness that’s a lot of goodies!

I want to take a moment to thank all of you, my bloggy friends. Some people may find it strange to talk about strangers as if they were your friends. Jon and I were talking about my bloggy friends the other day and we agreed that it makes sense to make friends based on shared interests, hobbies, and opinions rather than leaving it all up to chance and geography. If it weren’t for Blogger and the internet I wouldn’t have been able to find comfort in the words of you wonderful people. It doesn’t seem strange to me anymore if I refer to one of you as my friend in conversation. Especially because if it weren’t for this outlet for my thoughts, and your support, I don’t know how I’d have gotten through this last year. What a wonderful addition to my “real life” support group of friends and family you are. Thank you.

I finally had my big cry last night. I feel a bit lighter today. It’s been tough. It’s as if people expect me to be right back to my cheery self. I don’t know how to be this way. I’ve never been so sad for so long. Thank God for Jon and the pugs. They make me feel not so useless, and needed. I think the Clomid is finally out of my system. It’s been really sucky having to throw up and feel sick, as a reminder of what I can’t have. I feel so disjointed. It’s like my thoughts don’t flow. I go along thinking I’m ok until someone asks me innocently “So, when are you going to have kids?”. Or I see a relative who wants an update because they care about me and my health. Then it all comes back. I feel like I should be allowed to be sad, just for a little while. Most people don’t seem to think this is a big deal. It’s a loss. A huge loss. And for no reason. I know this sounds stupid, but it would be easier for me if I could blame a sickness or something. But instead, I’m the girl who’s always been so great with kids, the one people have always told “you’ll be a great mom”, and I can’t have babies and no one knows why. And there’s nothing anyone can do to change that.

My birthday came and went and I was surrounded by people I love and who love me and thank God for that. And for them. Because without them so much of this seems so stupid and pointless now. I’ve been so tired. And I just feel so heavy. Hopefully this will pass soon. I feel lost, I just don’t know how to be this person now. And don’t get me wrong, my whole life isn’t tied into having kids, but this is a huge thing. When you expect something to happen your whole life, and then it can’t, it’s hard. But I’ll get through it. Sorry, this won’t be a boohoo blog. I’ll get out of this funk soon I hope. And then maybe it won’t seem pointless for me to post about fun, glittery things again.

Miss Thang

Thank you for all of the wonderful birthday wishes!

Last night after work I walked out to the parking lot and there was Jon waiting with a cold Frappaccino from Starbucks for me. Yum. Then we went to dinner at Buca di Beppo’s. The host said it would be a few minutes for a table, or we could sit at the kitchen table if we’d like. We’d like! If you’ve never been to Buca’s they tour you through the kitchen on the way to your table. There is a big table in the kitchen that seats 6. You get to see all the action. This was the view from our seat: Every time a runner would take food to the dining room they’d stop by our table and explain each dish. It was so cool. And all the patrons touring through the kitchen got a big hello from us. Our waiter was awesome and the food was delicious. When it came time for dessert and I told the waiter how I didn’t like chocolate he told Jon he’d put the chocolate sauce on the side “So Miss Thang here doesn’t have to have it touch her cannoli!”

As for the rest of the birthday activities…that will come this weekend. Tuesday birthdays are hard to plan things for. So Saturday night we’re having a party here, game night. Then Sunday we’re celebrating with my inlaws. I try and stretch the birthday magic for as long as I can! =)

Tomorrow I turn 31. I can not wait to put my 30th year behind me. Too much drama. 31 is going to be a great year if it kills me! =)

Jon gave me my birthday present early. I’m so excited! A new digital camera! I love my Nikon Coolpix 2500 that I’ve been using for the last couple of years, but I’ve been wanting more megapixels (my Nikon was 2) and more options. Jon got me the Fuji F700. It’s 6.2 megapixels and is so cool. It fits in my purse and has a big screen on the back. It takes movies with sound as well as pictures, and you can hook it up to the tv to view pics and watch your movies! I love that my boy knows I’m such a techie junkie. sigh. :) So far 31’s not looking too bad!

Thank you. You guys are amazing. You just don’t know how much all of your sweet, caring comments mean to me. I know that one day Jon and I will have the family we’ve always wanted, we just have to go about it a different way, and get through this hard time first. It seems everywhere we look we see pregnant people or babies. I feel like I’ve failed. And I am not one to fail if I can help it. I feel like I’ve failed as a wife, as a woman, as a part of my family. Jon and my family have been great, so supportive. We’ll get through this.

We have come up with a plan of sorts. We’re going to spend the next few months recovering and getting me healthy again (getting all these drugs out of my system). Then we’ll start saving. And we’re going to travel. We’ll go everywhere we can go over the next few years. Places we may not be able to go once we have a family. And when we’re not traveling we’re going to make and save as much money as we can so when we adopt we won’t be scrimping to get by. And we’ll be doing all sorts of research about adoption so we’ll be ready when the time comes. So be prepared to hear all about our adventures, and the process. And thanks for being patient with me while I’m sad, or when I get a little overindulgent with the pugs. I know they don’t need a stroller and little football jerseys, but I need these things to help me be not so sad right now.

Now, if I could just find tiny little pug party hats for my birthday this week!

Between a rock and a hard place

 

I’ve been dreading writing this post.  Like if I write the words, then it’s real.  Maybe if I just don’t click on post everything will be ok.  Well, as you may remember, I’ve been on Clomid for the last 2 months following my surgery that removed my Fallopian tube.  Clomid is the mildest of the fertility drugs according to my doctor.  The first Clomid cycle resulted in no ovulation, lots of sweating and shaking and crankiness and nausea, and some vomiting.

The second cycle started July 2.  My dose was doubled.  There was much nausea, sweating, shaking, even more crankiness and moodiness, and lots and lots of vomiting.

Then on Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go to the doctor for some anti-nausea medicine when some sharp pains hit right in the nether regions.  It was brutal.  Since the pain felt familiar (like the pain I felt before my surgery) and since it wasn’t going away we went to the hospital.  They hooked me up to an IV right away because I was so dehydrated I couldn’t provide them with a urine sample.  Not a drop.  Then I was examined and wheeled to the ultrasound room where I had another one of those oh so pleasant catheter/internal ultrasound combos.  The tech showed us on the screen where on my left ovary I had 2 large cysts and there was fluid in my pelvis indicating that another cyst had ruptured.  My left ovary was so enlarged it was bigger than my uterus!

They pumped me full of anti nausea and pain meds and sent me home.

I had a follow up with my regular OBGYN who had all the records from the hospital.  She did another internal ultrasound and saw that the cysts have come down a bit in size and there was still fluid in my pelvis.

So, bottom line facts:

• I’m prone to ovarian cysts- always have been.  The cysts growing on my left ovary are causing me pain because of the scar tissue from the surgery.
• One cyst has increased in size by a third in the last 4 months!
• The cysts’ growth is due to the stimulation of the ovaries by the Clomid.
• My OBGYN wanted to triple my dosage of Clomid before she saw the cysts.
• If I take Clomid my cysts will grow, causing me pain and potentially making my ovary top heavy and causing it to twist, cutting off blood and oxygen to my ovary.
• If I don’t take Clomid I can’t ovulate on my own so I can’t get pregnant.
• If I take any other fertility drug the cyst situation will become even worse.

That’s it.  We’re done.  There’s nothing more she can do for us.  The next step would be invitro- but that’s risky too because it’s even more potent hormone wise.

So here we are, a few days before my 31st birthday and we’ve been delivered the news that we will not be parents the traditional way.  I can’t have a baby for my husband.  I can’t feel a tiny life inside of me.  I can’t walk around in cute maternity clothes resting my hand on my buddha belly.  I can’t tell people “Don’t you think he has his father’s nose?”.

We’ve explored all the options with our doctor.  People have been so great and so nice.  And no one really knows what to say.  We hear “so, you can still adopt right?” a lot.  Like, oh well, since they’re out of Coke just get Pepsi.  This is a loss.  It’s going to take some time for me to come to grips with the fact that the one thing I’ve wanted my whole life, even though I’ve made all the right choices, even though I’ve been so careful, I can’t have that dream.

So yes, we will adopt.  One day.  But not right now.  We need time.  Jon and I are really sad right now.  And for the next few months we’re going to just try and get over this.  Then, we’ll start saving our pennies so we can start the process.  Because, and this just kills me, even though it’s free to get pregnant, and just about any fool can do it, if you are a set of parents who choose to bring a child home but have to go the adoption route, then it’s so much more difficult and expensive.  It’s just not fair.  But no one ever said life is, right?