Bless Your Heart

Bitches and Balls

So this morning the plan was to meet my mom at church, go to brunch, then to Michaels so she could pick out her yarn for her Christmas scarf. I got to church a minute or 2 late, I know you’re sooo surprised, and had to wait for the parade of nations before I could sit down. I so have to tell you about this church one day.

Quick teaser for you: there’s a billboard on the way to my house with this woman with her hands all thrown up in the air (like cut out in hand shape above the actual billboard to get your attention) and written in house sized letters it said Worship! I was always so embarrassed for that lady because she was there for years with her arms flung heavenward and after a few storms and hurricanes one of her wrists went limp and let me just tell you, the church would NOT approve of that. And then one day after a lot of coaxing on my mom’s part to go visit her new church I finally went. The next day on the way home from work I passed the billboard and realized that holy smokes it was the same church! But more on that at a later date. You will not be sorry for tuning in for that story. Oh, and little disclaimer, I’m a Methodist. I’m not making fun of church in general. Just this one. Just a little. You would too, trust me.

Anyhoooo, (don’t you hate that word?) I slip into the pew next to my mom and while the powerpoint presentation was blaring on the dual screens (oh yes) she leaned over and said to me “We’re going to have to leave a little early because we’re going to a dog show.” Ok. Apparently Hale’s admin. assistant shows Pembroke Welsh Corgis and was competing today. Hale’s admin’s name is Amy and she lives in Georgia and how can you have a secretary 2 states away? I made them promise to get me home at a decent hour because I had to sew tablecloths for Thanksgiving and put another coat of paint on the front door (details later), and she promised. For church going people they shouldn’t lie. We were at early church, 8:30, and I still didn’t get home til after 4.

The ride was long and we talked about my PCOS and we all cried (Mom, Morgan & I) and by the time we got there I’d gone through a ton of tissue and one of Hale’s hankies. That’s part of why we love Hale, he still carries old fashioned hankies. So I couldn’t wait to get there and be cheered up by some puppies.

The dog show was 2 counties over in a huge arena, kind of like the places where they hold craft shows and such. Big and huge and full of dogs. Amy’s corgi Perry won enough points to become a Champion and we met the coolest dogs. The owners were so sweet and told us all about their dogs, you know how I talk to everyone and have a ton of questions. I heard the word Bitch so much (on a Sunday!) I thought we were destined for hell for sure. FYI, you can’t show a dog if they’ve been spayed or neutured. People, the balls on a Great Dane will make you do a double take, and then you feel a little creepy.

We met a Chinese Crested named Sissy. I’d never met a Chinese Crested in real life. Her skin was so soft, and had all these pretty spots. She was so skinny and was shaking. We decided she was the resident crack ho dog. Skinny with the shakes and wearing a bad wig. Her big eyes look at you from under her long bangs and make you want to rescue her from the seedy underbelly of dog porn. Like a Pretty Woman for the canine set.

The obediance trials were amazing. I’ve never seen such well behaved and well trained animals. And sweet! Such friendly pooches. Of course I took some pictures.