Bless Your Heart

I thought I was strong enough to get through this quickly and easily. That I’d distract myself with projects and research and I wouldn’t be sad for long. Then a man I know just had a baby, and they named it the name we would have named our son. Then we were grocery shopping and a little girl stood in line behind me polite as you please and she looked like us. Like a little me with blond hair and brown eyes. And I look around and all I see are babies. Or pregnant people. And I just couldn’t take it any more. And I just broke. My heart broke all over again because I’ll never know what my children would have looked like. No baby out there will inherit Jon’s musical abilities or my artistic creative side. Jon (and my dr) don’t think I’ve given myself any time to get over this. That it is a loss and I didn’t grieve it properly. That I jumped right in to trying to fix it instead of letting myself hurt first, and heal.

So my doctor has taken me out of work for a week. I’m a mess. I can’t concentrate and my job is such that an error on my part could cost a family hundreds of thousands of dollars and I am not about to risk my company’s reputation, nor my own, nor the financial future of any of my clients.

My doctor has also given me more pills to add to the cocktail of meds I take each day. One is a tranquilizer. Jon was hoping it would come in dart form so he could let me run around back for a while then take me down and tag my ear. But no, just a boring old pill. Which is kicking in right now.

I do have a very funny story to tell you all about a predicament I found myself in that involved lots of mud and a late night rescue. But that will have to wait.

Hang in there with me people. I know I can get through this. I just need some time.