I finally had my big cry last night. I feel a bit lighter today. It’s been tough. It’s as if people expect me to be right back to my cheery self. I don’t know how to be this way. I’ve never been so sad for so long. Thank God for Jon and the pugs. They make me feel not so useless, and needed. I think the Clomid is finally out of my system. It’s been really sucky having to throw up and feel sick, as a reminder of what I can’t have. I feel so disjointed. It’s like my thoughts don’t flow. I go along thinking I’m ok until someone asks me innocently “So, when are you going to have kids?”. Or I see a relative who wants an update because they care about me and my health. Then it all comes back. I feel like I should be allowed to be sad, just for a little while. Most people don’t seem to think this is a big deal. It’s a loss. A huge loss. And for no reason. I know this sounds stupid, but it would be easier for me if I could blame a sickness or something. But instead, I’m the girl who’s always been so great with kids, the one people have always told “you’ll be a great mom”, and I can’t have babies and no one knows why. And there’s nothing anyone can do to change that.
My birthday came and went and I was surrounded by people I love and who love me and thank God for that. And for them. Because without them so much of this seems so stupid and pointless now. I’ve been so tired. And I just feel so heavy. Hopefully this will pass soon. I feel lost, I just don’t know how to be this person now. And don’t get me wrong, my whole life isn’t tied into having kids, but this is a huge thing. When you expect something to happen your whole life, and then it can’t, it’s hard. But I’ll get through it. Sorry, this won’t be a boohoo blog. I’ll get out of this funk soon I hope. And then maybe it won’t seem pointless for me to post about fun, glittery things again.
Bless Your Heart
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Bless Your Heart 
10 responses to “I finally had my big cry last night. I feel a bit…”
Shannon……I wish there was more I could do. I know you are hurting and there isn’t a way for me to fix it and I am so sorry. **HUGS**
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I wish I could do more. I hate that you’re hurting like this and I can’t do anything. Please call if you want to talk! I miss you and want you to be happy. I know how hard this is. And how unfair.
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Give yourself permission to be sad. It is a huge loss, and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. My three year struggle with infertility is headed for a happier ending, but I know that awful feeling of wanting what everyone else seems to get so easily, and having to deal with well-meaning but insensitive comments about it. It’s amazing what people take for granted, but it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t been through it to truly understand – I know I didn’t until it happened to me.
Hugs to you and your family.
Sarah ~ http://sarahsthreads.com/journal/
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Shannon honey, I feel so sad for you. Reading your post today got me all teary-eyed. It’s okay to be sad for a while. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
I’d like to send you a little package, if you don’t think that’s too weird – to get a package from just a fellow blogger and not someone you really “know.” :) Please send me your mailing address if you’d like. My email is carrie[HYPHEN]benes[AT]sandhills[DOT]com.
Take Care!
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{{Hugs!!}} Be sad. Cry it out as much as you need. And if you need to vent here, do it! Your friends and readers understand. Don’t apologize as this is your space.
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Shanny it is normal what you are going to. Do what you have to do to deal with your pain. No one expects blogs to be happy all the time. Life is filled with ups but also with the downs. Good luck to you and you are in my thoughts.
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Time heals all wounds Shanny, it will just take time. And you take all the time you need. In some ways I know how you feel. (((big hugs))) And please know we are all there for you. XOXOXO
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I wish I could say something that would make it all better. Of course, this is a loss and I think most people know this. And, my God, it’s only been a couple of weeks. So you give yourself permission to be sad, but don’t forget to take care of yourself too. You seem like a very stable person but I’m sure Jon would be a good barometer if you need it since he probably knows you the best. You are so lucky to have such a caring, supportive husband and family…My best to you all.
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Hey you have every right to be sad and pissed at the world and everything else… I know the pain will never go away… but it will ease up some… But, I do hope that you will find some peace and one day will have a child of your own some how… hugs…
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Shanny,
I just caught up on your blog today. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate. I am coming to the possible realization that my husband and I can’t have kids — we have a major hurdle to overcome. I spent my whole life avoiding pregnancy…and now when I’m a responsible adult, etc. it is just not in the plans. I am on a journey to find a solution though. I am glad you are surrounded by goodness…and lots of blogger friends. That helps a lot, but I do know that it is not easy to go through what you are facing right now. You seem like such a giving person and I know it will come back to you…it will…in time.
Take care of yourself.
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