Bless Your Heart

Between a rock and a hard place

 

I’ve been dreading writing this post.  Like if I write the words, then it’s real.  Maybe if I just don’t click on post everything will be ok.  Well, as you may remember, I’ve been on Clomid for the last 2 months following my surgery that removed my Fallopian tube.  Clomid is the mildest of the fertility drugs according to my doctor.  The first Clomid cycle resulted in no ovulation, lots of sweating and shaking and crankiness and nausea, and some vomiting.

The second cycle started July 2.  My dose was doubled.  There was much nausea, sweating, shaking, even more crankiness and moodiness, and lots and lots of vomiting.

Then on Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go to the doctor for some anti-nausea medicine when some sharp pains hit right in the nether regions.  It was brutal.  Since the pain felt familiar (like the pain I felt before my surgery) and since it wasn’t going away we went to the hospital.  They hooked me up to an IV right away because I was so dehydrated I couldn’t provide them with a urine sample.  Not a drop.  Then I was examined and wheeled to the ultrasound room where I had another one of those oh so pleasant catheter/internal ultrasound combos.  The tech showed us on the screen where on my left ovary I had 2 large cysts and there was fluid in my pelvis indicating that another cyst had ruptured.  My left ovary was so enlarged it was bigger than my uterus!

They pumped me full of anti nausea and pain meds and sent me home.

I had a follow up with my regular OBGYN who had all the records from the hospital.  She did another internal ultrasound and saw that the cysts have come down a bit in size and there was still fluid in my pelvis.

So, bottom line facts:

• I’m prone to ovarian cysts- always have been.  The cysts growing on my left ovary are causing me pain because of the scar tissue from the surgery.
• One cyst has increased in size by a third in the last 4 months!
• The cysts’ growth is due to the stimulation of the ovaries by the Clomid.
• My OBGYN wanted to triple my dosage of Clomid before she saw the cysts.
• If I take Clomid my cysts will grow, causing me pain and potentially making my ovary top heavy and causing it to twist, cutting off blood and oxygen to my ovary.
• If I don’t take Clomid I can’t ovulate on my own so I can’t get pregnant.
• If I take any other fertility drug the cyst situation will become even worse.

That’s it.  We’re done.  There’s nothing more she can do for us.  The next step would be invitro- but that’s risky too because it’s even more potent hormone wise.

So here we are, a few days before my 31st birthday and we’ve been delivered the news that we will not be parents the traditional way.  I can’t have a baby for my husband.  I can’t feel a tiny life inside of me.  I can’t walk around in cute maternity clothes resting my hand on my buddha belly.  I can’t tell people “Don’t you think he has his father’s nose?”.

We’ve explored all the options with our doctor.  People have been so great and so nice.  And no one really knows what to say.  We hear “so, you can still adopt right?” a lot.  Like, oh well, since they’re out of Coke just get Pepsi.  This is a loss.  It’s going to take some time for me to come to grips with the fact that the one thing I’ve wanted my whole life, even though I’ve made all the right choices, even though I’ve been so careful, I can’t have that dream.

So yes, we will adopt.  One day.  But not right now.  We need time.  Jon and I are really sad right now.  And for the next few months we’re going to just try and get over this.  Then, we’ll start saving our pennies so we can start the process.  Because, and this just kills me, even though it’s free to get pregnant, and just about any fool can do it, if you are a set of parents who choose to bring a child home but have to go the adoption route, then it’s so much more difficult and expensive.  It’s just not fair.  But no one ever said life is, right?