The episode starts with all the guys gathered, waiting to meet the Mystery Bachelorette. In walks Tayshia and jaws literally drop. Tay introduces herself and speaks to just about every guy one on one until Chris Harrison appears and pulls her away. Turns out there’s a limo with some men in it waiting to meet Tayshia! I like that ABC is throwing some fresh meat into the mix so it’s not ALL Clare’s leftovers, although the original 16 aren’t as happy as I am with this arrangement.
Out of the limo steps Spencer, 30, Water Treatment Engineer and he is CUTE. Tay thinks so too.
Noah, 25, Registered Travel Nurse. Noah comes with a JANKY pornstache. Bleh!
All the new guys go inside and Tay joins the group and starts chatting them all up again. At the end of the night Tay gives Spencer the 1st impression rose and a kiss.
CH comes in, signaling that it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, but Tay cancels it and does not send anyone home.
Then ABC shows us a preview of the season, then cuts to CH in a studio. It’s time to talk to Clare & Dale. Clare comes out first and I don’t hate her dress. She tells CH it was love at first sight for her with Dale. Dale joins Clare on the sofa and they seem really in love, which is a ding dang miracle considering they spent like 2 hours together before they got engaged! But I follow Dale on the Gram and Clare’s constantly in his posts so I guess it’s the real thing. Mazel! CH asks them one more time did they communicate in any way before the show and they swear they did not.
Back to Tay and the boys.
All the guys on the group date go out to the pool and Tayshia rises from the depths in a hot little bikini. They guys all start drooling on cue. They all frolic in the pool for a bit then CH tells them it’s not a pool party, but a competition. Splashball to be exact, which is apparently basketball in a pool. The team that wins the game gets a Barbeque with Tay. The guys all change into their tiny speedos and the game begins. It gets a little dramatic when Riley elbows Spencer in the mouth and Spence is bleeding like a fountain. He handles it well and Tay comes to check on him. Riley, don’t you know it’s the injured that gets the attention? Not the injurer? The Blue team wins the bbq but ABC doesn’t show us any of it.
All the group date guys are invited back for the after party. Eazy tells Tay he feels like he’s met his wife!!!
Tay kisses Zach and my head spins. I can not figure out her taste in men!!! Meanwhile the group date guys are ganging up on Spencer telling him he’s a d!ck. Eazy ends up getting the group date rose. I guess coming on strong is the way to go!
Later, Jason decides to leave as he still has feelings for Clare! I guess that Psych 101 date he had with Clare did a number on his head…and heart.
The next day is Brendan’s 1-1 and I honestly don’t even remember this dude at all. Tayshia rides up to the group on a horse looking cute in a cowboy hat. She and Brendan ride the horses around the resort and CH keeps popping out of the shadows with coconuts & margaritas etc JUST as Brendan’s about to try and kiss Tay. It’s a riot! After the horse ride they go swimming and Brendan finally gets his kiss.
Brendan tells Tay he was married before at a young age. He was so nervous to tell Tay, but Tay says she was married at a young age too. Brendan is boring me to tears but for some reason Tay likes him and gives him the rose. They then go and make out while fireworks are going off. Tay really likes him. Lucky man.
Noah is trimming up his janky pornstache while Bennet and Ed rip on Noah and his stache. It’s pretty funny!
And that is all for this week! Until next time BBs.
Week 4 is finally here. The week the 💩 hits the fan! Let’s go!
This episode starts out with all the guys who aren’t Dale complaining about Dale and Clare. Clare’s busy doodling Dale + Clare 4 ever in her journal when Chris Harrison arrives. CH tells Clare the guys are unhappy. Clare tells Chris she’s head over heels for Dale. When CH asks, Clare swears on her dad’s grave that she and Dale never communicated before the show. She just ogled his IG account on the daily.
Clare cancels the cocktail party AND rose ceremony tonight and this doesn’t sit well with the guys. CH pulls Dale aside and informs him he gets to have a date with Clare while the other guys just stew in their premature emotions. Clare appears later tonight in the tackiest red dress I’ve ever seen. It was clearly created in the HOUSE OF SIN. Dale arrives in a suit and daggggggummmm he wears it well. He looks so good I totally understand why Clare would break all the rules to hang with this tall drink of water. Whew. Got a lil thirsty there!
At Fake Dinner C&D talk about their parents and how both of their dads were hitch hikers! Now that’s a solid foundation for marriage if I’ve ever seen one! Clare tells Dale she’s falling in love with him and he says the same. They walk over to these musicians and it’s Chris and Bri from Listen to Your Heart. Wow. Their careers are skyrocketing!!! C&D make out for a hot minute in from of Chris and Bri and then high tail it to Clare’s room where you can imagine what happens next. BOOM. 💥
The next morning they wake up in bed with the dress of sin lying crumpled on the floor. They have some pillow talk and then Dale leaves Clare’s room. He thinks there’s still plenty of time left in this process. Poor kid. CH comes over to see Clare and tells her the proposal is TONIGHT. Ummmm, that’s great and all but don’t you think someone should inform Dale???
All the other guys gather in the house and Clare arrives. Without CH in tow. CH is clearly somewhere sipping a martini because he’s worked harder this episode than he has all season! Clare then tells the guys it’s Dale she wants and that’s it. Kenny then tells Clare to apologize to the group. DUDE. You just spent like 3 weeks in a luxury resort, got on tv, and some of you got to make out with Clare. Clare owes you NOTHING Kenny. But, Clare apologizes for wasting their time. The guys all give her hugs and she leaves. Clare goes and cries to a couple producers about how hard that was. Meanwhile, all the guys are v v skeptical about Dale’s emotional involvement.
Back in Dale’s room, where’s he’s been isolated all day, he thinks he still has all the time in the world to just hang with Clare, no labels. Just then, CH appears and tells Dale Clare broke up with all the other guys. CH says Clare’s waiting for a proposal and Dale visibly goes into shock and poops his pants.
CH then goes to check on Clare, who’s crying because she’s worried she’s more into this whole thing than Dale is. Cut to Dale holding a ring box with a look of abject shock and awe on his face.
That night Clare’s dressed in a white dress. Is this woman going to force a wedding tonight too??? Clare takes her place by the final rose. Next thing you know, CH walks up to her. Clare’s face drops when CH says he has something to tell her. My heart skips a beat. CH says “We’re all so proud of you”. DAMMIT CH you just about gave us all heart attacks! You KNOW that was his revenge because he’s had to work so hard this week for that paycheck! CH then goes to get Dale, who clearly has Stockholm Syndrome. Are you ready? Dale- Uhhhh.
But then, here comes Dale through the door and he is WEARING that suit. Hell, I’d say yes!!! Clare gives a little speech about how perfect he is and then it’s Dale’s turn. He says a few really sweet things and then SWEET KELLY CLARKSON he gets down on one knee! He’s doing it!!! And I don’t see a gun to his head! He proposes with a hefty ring and of course Clare says yes! Clare- I felt it. Dale- I accepted it. Me- I really should be drinking wine while watching all this.
Dale picks Clare up after accepting the final rose and the walk off into the night.
The leftovers, um, I mean the remaining men, are all packing up and sulking. CH arrives and fills the guys in on the engagement, then tells them they have until tonight to decide if they want to continue their journeys or go home. Can you forget all about a woman you’ve known for 2 weeks in the next 7 hours??
There are 16 guys left and they all decide to stay. Even Jason, who is still in shock over his therapy date with Clare, and Blake, who acts like he and Clare dated for years instead of just 2 hours. The guys all gather and CH tells him their new Bachelorette is on her way now. Tayshia arrives looking beautiful in a questionable dress. Who told her olive green was appropriate for evening wear?? Just as she’s walking through the door, the episode ends!
Week 3. Hooboy! This week just devolves into a pure sh!tshow for lack of a better word. Let’s dive in shall we?
We begin back at the cocktail party. Yosef is still annoyed with the mild male nudity from last week’s strip dodgeball game. He keeps using the words “classless” and “distasteful”. Because we all know he’s a beacon of class and taste! He finds Clare and they sit down to talk. He starts off by saying he’s noticed some red flags from her. This is gonna go well!!! Yo didn’t like it when C said “You guys are here for me”. Also, he was “absolutely appalled at the nudity. It’s so humiliating and degrading, silly and immature. A classless display. I expected more from the oldest bachelorette. You’re not setting the right example for my daughter. I’m ashamed to be associated with you.” WOW. Ok, 1. Has he not seen the show??? ABC isn’t worried about setting the class bar v high with this show! Lighten up dude!
Clare goes to say something about her mother dying and YO CUTS HER OFF. OMG.
Clare tells him to leave, natch. Yo is still shouting insults at her from across the courtyard “You’re not fit to be a mother for my child” and “I expected more from the OLDEST bachelorette”. Yikes.
All the other guys come running to her defense when they hear the hubbub but it’s Dale (of course) who comforts her. Clare then decides to end the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony.
Dale gets the first rose (of course). You can almost hear all the other guys groan. Going home- Blake, Garin, and Tyler S.
The next day DeAnna from Bachelorette season FOUR shows up to counsel Clare. I have no idea who this woman is as I didn’t start watching until Emily’s season but could ABC not get any other Bachelorette to come talk to Clare??? Good grief! Anyway, they are sitting on the sofa chatting and from nowhere, C whips out a pair of Dale’s pants!!! And she starts sniffing them then has DeAnna sniff them and OMG I just vomited.
While Clare and DeAnna are chatting, all the guys who were picked to go on today’s group date are whiling away the hours waiting for their date to start. Finally, at dusk, C comes to the guys’ room and announces that the day portion of the date is canceled. YA THINK?!?
Dale makes a big show of asking for a group hug after giving a big speech about how everyone needs to be respectful of each others’ time. Then Dale steals Clare away first and spends an HOUR making out in her room. SO RESPECTFUL. Clare is wearing shiny, satin shorts and a blazer and gives off a kinky real estate agent vibe tonight.
Finally Eazy goes to find Clare in her room and stands at the door long enough to hear some panting and clothes arranging. ALL the other guys are super annoyed at how little time they are getting with her and who could blame them??
Dale later has the nerve to go back for a 2nd time with Clare! After which he gets grilled by the guys. Clare comes back to the group and gives Dale the group date rose. The other guys are NOT happy to say the least!!! They continue to give Dale a hard time back at the house.
Zach J’s 1-1
It’s a spa date. YAWN. Basically they just get pedicures and facials and go swimming. The whole time C is annoyed with Zach’s energy (because he’s not Dale) and whines to the producers that she just wants to be with Dale. When C & Zach finish swimming she goes in for a kiss but then backs out and it gets really weird because Zach then grabs her forcefully trying to get that kiss. Dude, that’s not cool.
Back at the house (I know it’s a hotel suite but just go with me), some of the guys are gossipping saying that maybe Clare and Dale were communicating pre-show. Hmmmm.
Later, Zach is at Fake Dinner waiting on Clare when Chris Harrison shows up instead. NOT a good sign. CH says Clare’s not coming to dinner and Zach tries to say there was a misunderstanding but CH is like I don’t get paid enough for this, I’m going back to my margarita you fool. And Zach gets sent home.
Group Date 2-
It’s the next day and Clare is wearing some strange white spaghetti strapped shorts jumpsuit. She’s with Margaret Cho (LOVE) and they are in a small theatre of sorts. Turns out the guys are all going to roast each other. The audience will be the rest of the guys from the house. Mind you, ALL the guys have it out for Dale, saying he gets too much attention and time.
Roast- The guys all go after Dale. Every single one of them. Especially Bennet. It’s brutal!
Clare arrives in a sparkly banana yellow dress and I want to slap her stylist. Clare pulls Bennet aside to chat first and lest you think she’s there to get to know Bennet, I promise you it’s still all about Dale. Bennet tries to talk about anything BUT Dale but Clare keeps asking about Dale.
And the pattern continues with every. other. guy. there. It’s Dale Dale Dale. Ugh, these poor guys! She’s not even pretending to be the slightest bit interested in them!!! Then, to rub salt in the wound, she refuses to give out the group date rose!!! The guys are NOT HAPPY. AND, when Clare is walking away with a producer, C says something about her fiance! Oooooh. Are they already engaged??? If so WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE???
Next week it all blows up and I can’t wait!!! Until then my BBs!!! 🌹
Week 2! Wow y’all. This episode is CRINGEWORTHY!!! Let’s dive right in, shall we?!
First we have a group date. To which Clare shows up looking like a Boy Scout’s mom! Those khaki shorts! Yikes!!! So this date is all about the Love Languages. If you’re not familiar, Google it. Basically it’s 5 ways that we express love and receive love. I’m optimistic for this date (minus Clare’s forest ranger garb) because at least it’s got some depth to it and isn’t some rando obstacle course or something. But my hopes are shattered when ABC puts Clare in a cheap high school production of Romeo and Juliet. She’s up in this Juliet tower and all the guys on the date are then forced to give her Words of Affirmation with precious little direction. Each guy wings it and says some sweet things.
Next up is Gifts. The guys all race back to their rooms to rummage around in their luggage for a gift for Clare. They give her a chess piece, a baseball, etc. She’s lucky she didn’t end up with the free shower cap from the hotel! Last up is Physical Touch. The guys and C are blindfolded and are forced to touch each other in front of all the other guys. Cringe. Esp when it’s Dale’s turn and C is sighing like this isn’t family friendly television! Get a room! ALL the other guys are totally jealous and v uncomfortable!
The After Party-
C comes over to the group of guys and sits down and raises a toast. Then….CRICKETS!!! NO ONE pulls her aside to talk! Not even Hot Boring Dale!!! C literally has to tell them to step up. Finally Bennet puts her out of her misery and asks to speak with her.
They go off to talk but C can’t stay focused because she’s still flabbergasted that she had to beg for some attention! She leaves Bennet mid chat and goes back to the group and chastises them. Dale then steps up and takes her to talk. Nevermind poor Bennet! During their conversation C tells Dale she has feelings for him!!! They’ve known each other for 14 minutes!!! And he reciprocates!!! WOW.
Riley gets the group date rose because C has to pretend she has a modicum of interest in the other guys there.
Yo says C is hot headed and immature and that he’ll address it with her if need be. OH. WELL. That C isn’t living up to his expectations. MY MY Yo. Mighty high opinion of yourself!
Jason gets a note from C with instructions to write a letter to his younger self before the date. Wow. A date with homework! Ok…. They go out to a fire in the desert and scream into the sky to purge bad demons. Then C makes Jason write down things his ex’s have called him on a tile while she does the same. They then read out the qualities to each other and am I the only one seeing red flags here??? He’s been called cold, manipulative, hard to love, etc. But ok… let’s just gloss over that part! They then shatter the tile against the rocks. Excuse please, but who’s designing these dates? Dr. Phil??? Next up they read the letters to their younger selves out loud to each other. Let’s skip right past your favorite color and talk about all your heart ache and inner demons! I hope C charges Jason a co-pay for all this free therapy!!!
I notice though- no fake dinner! Jason gets the rose and they kiss. C brings out the dress she wore on the last episode of her Bachelor season with Juan Pablo and they burn it in the fire.
2nd Group Date
The guys assemble and find out they are playing Dodgeball. Guess Dr. Phil was busy today. And not just any style dodgeball but STRIP DODGEBALL!!! CRINGE. The winning team gets to go to the after party with C and the losers have to do the walk of shame home. Nakey. So clearly the stakes have never been higher. Now, I’m all for a little silly fun, but ABC could never get away with strip anything on the Bachelor so why is it ok to humiliate the guys? I hate the phrase “just saying” (so passive aggressive). But seriously, just saying. ESP because the guys all look v uncomfortable when it’s time to strip. And it doesn’t take long for the red team to obliterate the blue team. Blue team walks home nakey and Red team are off to the after party!
This party is pretty boring. Until Bearded Blake crashes the party. He was on the losing team. He’s talking with C when the Red team shows up to confront him. C sends him away and as BB is going to leave he leans in for a kiss and C GIVES HIM THE CHEEK!!! CRINGE!!! Yikes man.
C is then talking with Brandon and it is soooo awkward! C asks why did he come on the show and all Brandon can say is because “You’re so beautiful”. Seriously dude? EVERYONE knows you don’t go in for a job interview without researching the company!!! I mean, the least he could have done was watch her season and come up with a compliment. C sends him home. Brava!
For some reason Chasen gets the group date rose.
C pulls BB aside right away and gives him a rose and a kiss. So BB is safe and feels better after his big ol dish of awkward soup last night. I must say, BTW, that C looks amazing tonight! Her dress is beautiful and her boobs look great!
The rest of the episode, I KID YOU NOT, is C & Dale making out. Making out on a sofa. Dale wearing a mask and making out against a door. You get the drift. So we’ll have to wait until next week to see if C can dislodge her tongue from Dale’s throat long enough for a proper rose ceremony!!!
FINALLY! Chris Harrison has been promising the most dramatic finale ever and finally ABC delivers! Well, sort of. But we’ll get to that. Now, settle in BBs because we have a LOT to unpack and this is a long one!
We pick back up in Australia where Peter is down to ONE lady vying for his heart. Madison self eliminated last night, so he has Hannah Ann left. BUT HA doesn’t know that Madi is gone! That’s quite the information to keep under wraps there, Pachi!
But before we get to HA & P, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison points out that Kelley is in the audience tonight! WHAT??? ABC are you punking me? Because first you don’t invite Kell to the Women Tell All, then you let her come to this? And what about the rumor going around that Kell and P end up together?? I’m so confused rn.
Back to Australia. HA is dressed in what can only be described as the ranch dressing of formal gowns. It’s so boring and beige and I thought it was part of a bridal lingerie set. Odd choice there, HA. Just before she’s supposed to go get engaged, HA collapses on her bed and declares herself emotionally drained.
Meanwhile P is pacing around in the desert in a full suit trying not to become a sweaty mess. CH appears and tells P that HA might not be coming. WHAT?!? Now this, this is the drama I signed up for! Bravo ABC! But really, is anyone surprised?? I mean HA IS only 12 years old. At that tender age I could barely commit to a choose your own adventure book, much less a full grown man! Next thing you know, CH tells P that HA is coming after all and I immediately suspect they only told P she wasn’t coming to spice up this dumpster fire of a proposal. Tell me I’m wrong!
Whoever told HA to wear strappy stiletto sandals to the DESERT needs to be shot! No one wants their heels sinking into the sand OR dusty toes! No one!!! HA hobbles through the sand and down the wooden boardwalk to get to P and I’ve never felt so sorry for her. Until 2 minutes later when P starts out his proposal speech to Hannah Ann by saying Madison’s name. OUCH. How romantic!!! P fumbles and bumbles through his little speech and he looks THRILLED to be proposing to his Plan B. Ahh, young love! You can tell HA was fully prepared to be dumped for Madi because it takes her a minute to grasp that this boring dolt is actually asking her to marry him. The ring is gorgeous though, so there’s that.
Back in LA, P stops by to tell his family about his proposal. He hems and haws and beats around the bush until finally Barb breathlessly asks “Who is it??” and y’all. Believe me when I tell you that this woman is WAY to invested in her son’s love life because her shrieks could be heard ’round the world!!!
A month later P & HA reunite in LA and it’s the first time they’ve been together since Australia. P answers the door and greets her and they settle in on the sofa and he looks about as excited as he’d be if he was about to get a root canal. What’s up P? P then tells HA he isn’t sure if he still loves her. Uh oh. HA- I would stand by you even if it kills me. Well, HA, be careful what you wish for cause things aren’t looking too good for you right now. And yep, P is actually breaking up with HA rn. But she is. not. having. it!!! HA- You took away my first engagement!!! Love that she says “first”. It’s like how I refer to CSP as my “first” husband. Let him have it HA!!!
BTW, the camera keeps showing Barb’s face while she’s watching all this from the LA audience and this is pure gold. Give that camera man a raise because not all heroes wear capes, BBs.
Back to HA & P- things are getting heated because HA has moved from shock to anger. HA- I said yes and I get this?!? And she waves the ring in his pitiful face!!! What a time to be alive! HA throws the ring at him and Barb CLAPS!!! I’ve never seen a man publicly disowned by his family on live tv and I am here for it!!!
HA decides to leave and for some strange reason they HOLD HANDS on the way to her waiting car. But when she gets in and he’s trying to talk to her she puts her hand up and tells him to LEAVE. I’ve never felt more alive!!! Who knew HA had all this fire inside of her?? I love it!!! Ok, sidebar. WHAT is going on with P’s pants? Why is he rolling up his jeans so high and wearing hiking boots? He looks like a hipster woodland elf!!!
Back in LA at the live viewing, CH brings HA out to confront P for the first time since the breakup. HA looks fierce and follows it up with words to match. P breathes and HA comes for him. The audience is totally on her side too. Not to mention, Barb! Way to go HA! I have to say that up until this finale I had hoped things would work out for P. He’s cute and harmless and nice enough but to withhold the information that HA was literally the last woman standing and his plan B, then to propose to her anyway??? That’s just gross, P. HA was right, there were 3 women involved in their engagement. Four if you count Barb!
CH gives HA the final word and boy is it a zinger! HA tells P if he wants to be with a woman he needs to be a real man first and I am DECEASED!!! If people still said “You go girl” I would have been yelling that at the tv! But they don’t, so please stop saying that. Srsly.
Now that P has been skewered on national television, CH tells P he has another surprise for him. P looks like he’s an inch from literally dying in front of us. I’ve not seen a man so emotionally battered like this. CH says he went to Auburn, AL to visit Spider Eyes Madison a few weeks ago. On the screen, we see CH visit Madi in her home. CH- P got engaged. LONG PAUSE. CH- but he’s single now! Dang, but CH lives for the drama! Madi says she made a mistake and would do things differently now. This gets her an epic eye roll from Barb in the audience. Seriously, an Oscar to this camera man!!! CH tells Madi it’s P’s dream to be engaged to her. That’s a biiiiit of a stretch but ok, CH. You do you. It doesn’t take any arm twisting to get Madi to hop a plane to LA. I don’t quite understand how being engaged to another woman is ok but having sex in the Fantasy Suite is practically a deal breaker to Madi, but whatever, I just work here.
Next we see a forlorn P staring into a swimming pool while Madi walks up to him. He’s genuinely shocked to see her. Back to the live portion, CH asks P if he still loves Madi. P- yeah. WOW knock me over with a feather! He’s soooo romantic. All these yeahs! Ugh.
Madi comes out onstage and we see Barb mouth “I can’t” to her porn stache wearing husband. Barb was sent from TV ratings heaven I tell you. Ok so wait. Madi and P haven’t seen each other since the poolside chat? What?? So weird. CH asks what’s the next step for P and Madi and P shoots a look at his mommy before answering. Cut the strings P!
CH gives Barb the floor and she starts out by saying she’s getting a LOT of love in her DMs. Hmmm. Then Barb spills some tea. Apparently a lot went on that ABC didn’t show on the day Madi came to meet the fam in Australia. Madi allegedly mad the family wait THREE HOURS before coming in the house to meet them. And when she finally did come in, Madi then told Barb she wouldn’t marry her son. WOW. Don’t hold back Barb!
Ok, so my thoughts on this. You KNOW production played a huge role in the 3 hour delay. I just can’t believe that Madi sat outside in the hot Australian sun slut shaming P for 3 whole hours. Especially while wearing that black turtleneck. It was sleeveless, but still. Also, we all know that I think Madi was in the wrong for manipulating P with the whole Fantasy Suite ultimatum. While I applaud her faith and values and standing up for them, she used her virginity to try and get her way, then left the show when things didn’t work out in her favor. Barb is quite the piece of work, but she could see what Madi was dishing out.
As I’ve said, this would never work between Madi and P. Barb HATES Madi. You can feel the daggers Barb is shooting from her eyes in Madi’s direction. You have to stand up for your wife and P looks like he’s about to burst into tears tonight being caught in the middle of his girlfriend and his mommy. There’s no way he could do this for the rest of his ding dang life!
CH tries to wrap things up but Barb can’t stop, won’t stop putting Madi down from the audience. CH- Well, you two will figure things out, right Mom? Barb- You have to fail to succeed! NO. SHE. DIDN’T. I haven’t heard a room full of people gasp like that since my wedding reception when my FIL toasted us by saying “You spend your whole life looking for the perfect person to love. In the meantime you get married.” Yeah. That happened. Don’t be jealous.
Back to ABC & the Bachelor hijinks…. Ok so to wrap up, Barb is completely unhinged. SHE’S THE MOM. It’s not her job to judge and openly hate P’s love. It’s her job to support her son. She can hate Madi all the livelong day but she should never let that show. I applaud Madi for saying “I love and respect P so I love and respect his family and you’ll never hear a negative word about them come out of my mouth.” That, Barb, is how you do it. I give Spider Eyes Madi and P a month before they implode. Speaking of… there’s no proposal on stage, no evidence even that they are dating. Way to leave us hanging ABC!
That’s a wrap on P & Madi. CH brings Clare out to promote her run as the new Bachelorette for a solid 90 seconds. They show a clip of her from her time on Juan Pablo’s season and it’s clear as day that she’s had a slew of plastic surgery. New nose, cheeks, eyes, chin, the works! I remember her from all her Bachelor appearances (Paradise, Winter Games, etc) and she is a hot mess. Can’t wait for her season to start! See you then BBs!!! xo 🌹
Y’all. We made it! We sat through hours and hours of a never ending train wreck of a season and we finally were rewarded with a season finale that did not disappoint!!! So let’s dive in!
Hannah Ann is the first to meet the parents. She arrives all emotional and teary and to say that the family falls in love with her is the understatement of the year!!! HA is the easy choice, his family points out to him. But Pachi is torn and tears up talking to Pachi Sr. BTW, who told Barb it would be appropriate to meet your future DIL while wearing a tube top??? Fire her stylist!!!
The next day Madison comes to meet the fam. She brings her pet spiders that live in her eyelashes. They are on ALERT today! Girl! GO TO SEPHORA. They will help you!!! Madi gets there and she and P sit and mumble for the LONGEST time about how hard everything is and how she’s a fighter and Madi says “I need to like feel confident and like at peace and like I don’t”. P literally asks her what’s the issue here? I want to smack him!!! I’m just watching the show and I know what the issues are. He’s LIVING it and still can’t keep it straight!!! Come on Pachi! DO BETTER!!!
Madi finally tells P she loves him. They go in to see his parents and have apparently been keeping them waiting. P and his brother sit down to talk and even Jack can see that P & Madi have WILDLY different lifestyles. Jack- You like to party and have sex and she’s a virgin. You mean to tell me you can give that up???
Meanwhile Barb and Madi are talking and they are also hitting on the same points of their vastly different lifestyles. Barb- Don’t go changing my Pachi! Then Barb brings up the Fantasy Suite “ultimatum”. Barb CLEARLY is not a fan of this. As she’s making her points, Madi interrupts (!!!) to defend herself.
Madi’s time with the fam comes to a close and P walks her out. He returns to a sobbing Barb who says “Madi’s not here for you. HA is an angel on Earth!” Then the whole family dog piles on P talking about how much they LOVE HA and how Madi can just pack her bags and go. Finally Barb speaks the infamous line “Bring her home to us” while crying. P is visibly exhausted and tells her “You gotta stop doing this”. Hmmmm me thinks this isn’t the first time Barb has turned on the waterworks to get what she wants from her son.
Gotta say, I find it quite ironic that Barb bashes Madi for her faith and convictions then tells P that God Himself sent HA for him. #hypocrite
The next day P and Madi take a helicopter to this Uluru rock formation that is apparently super spiritual and sacred. Afterwards they are sitting on the desert floor swatting at flies and talking. Madi is talking about walking away so P can find what he’s looking for. Swat. About how different they are. Swat. She doesn’t want to SWAT change him and they may not be the SWAT best for each other. Can someone turn on a fan or something to combat these flies??? Madi decides to leave so P walks her to her car and she leaves in tears.
I have to give her credit. She’s not smart enough to watch a YouTube tutorial on mascara BUT she does know they are worlds apart when it comes to their lives. I mean, she’s a super religious small town girl and he’s a LA pilot who loves to …party… wink, wink. She’d have to move to LA and be all alone away from her family while he’s flying everywhere. It would be extremely difficult on a good day.
The next day Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance to talk to P. CH hasn’t even shaved for this! And here’s P looking like he’s lost his girl, truck, and his dog in one day!
Later, HA & P meet up and go to a kangaroo sanctuary. I hope ABC donated some money to this place! They get to hold and feed and love on some baby kangaroos and this is the ONLY time I’ve been jealous of HA this season. HA knows something is off with P. P has all the time in the world but he never mentions that Madi is gone. Interesting. That night HA gets all dressed up and lights an alarming amount of candles to set the mood. P shows up in a hoodie. Nice effort P! They talk and HA does her best to reassure P that she loves him. P just sighs a lot. He leaves and that’s it for tonight!!!
Before we get to the Women Tell All, we pick back up in Australia on the day of the Rose Ceremony following Fantasy Suites. And let me tell you, Peter looks HAGGARD!!! Chris Harrison asks him how he’s doing and P instantly starts tearing up. The man needs some rest. And therapy. Hannah Ann and Victoria are waiting at the Rose Ceremony but Madison hasn’t arrived yet. Madi finally walks in, dramatically late. And wearing a short, red dress to boot! HA gets the first rose. P then calls Madi’s name and Madi lets out this big sigh and hesitates just long enough to make everyone uncomfortable. P asks Madi if she accepts the rose and she answers with an angry “yeah”. P- You sure? Madi- “yeah”. So enthusiastic! Feel the love!!!
That means Victoria F is going home!!! Yay!!! She and P sit on a bench so they can say goodbye and he starts in with his goodbye speech. Vic- I don’t want to hear it. She instantly gets all attitude-y again! BYE!
Back with the girls, P gives them champagne and Madi makes a toast with zero enthusiasm in her eyes- “Let’s see if love really can conquer all.” P should be a bit scared of Madi (and her eyelashes!)
Women Tell All
Before we start I have to point out that Kelly wasn’t invited. And that’s just wrong ABC!!!
As per usual, Chris Harrison asks ONE question and the ladies erupt into finger pointing and name calling and tears and trying to shriek over each other to be heard.
Kelsey is up first and she’s pretty composed and poised. Where’s the hot mess we saw all season?? OH!!! I know!!! I read that this was filmed BEFORE the next Bachelorette was named. Makes sense now! All the ladies are auditioning (unofficially) for the role of the next Bachelorette. Hence, no hot mess Kels. There’s much talk of Kelsey’s crying and of course Champagne Gate. Then Ashley I comes out and presents Kels with a humongous magnum of champagne that Kels cradles like a baby. My precious.
Victoria F is up next and she’s also calm and articulate. I’m shocked that she doesn’t melt into a puddle of vocal fry and tears! CH even asks her about her homewrecking reputation and of course she denies, denies, denies. Hmmm.
There’s a segment of CH & Peter crashing Bachelor watch parties with P’s parents in tow. That is until the last party when his parents stay in the SUV to make out!!! Love them!!!
P comes up to the hot seat next and they bring Vic up. Vic is still being all poised and calm and even goes so far as apologizing for her behavior! Then CH opens up the floor to questions from the ladies and Savannah asks P if he regrets keeping all the drama queens and sending home all the girls who were there for the right reasons?? Yay Savannah!!! He says he just followed his heart. Boring!!!
Bloopers are up next which are always so fun!
Then CH brings Rachel out. If you remember, Rachel was the first, and only, person of color to be cast as the lead in this franchise. They spoke about all the horrible hate messages and comments that POC get because of this show and their exposure to the public. The cameras keep panning to women of color on the panel and in the audience. I get what ABC was trying to do here but I think they missed the mark a bit. Neither CH or Rachel said the words “racism” or “racist” but that’s exactly what this is!!! I think ABC failed to really tackle this head on. I couldn’t help but tear up when Rachel read some of the comments and messages she and other women of color have received. I just can’t imagine being on the receiving end of SO MUCH HATE. How can people hate strangers so much?? I don’t understand that level of negative energy. I’m so thankful that none of my readers or commenters on Facebook have ever responded to one of my recaps with anything resembling hate speech. Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to get deleted, blocked, unfriended, etc. by me. These people are on tv but they are PEOPLE! And while I may make fun of someone’s dress or something they say, there’s a line I just won’t cross.
And after Rachel’s segment we got a sneak peek at next week’s dumpster fire, I mean, episode. I’ve never seen a Bachelor so tormented as P and I can’t wait!!! Until then my BBs!!! xo 🌹
We start this week back at the airplane hangar where Madison is about to tell Peter she’s saving herself for marriage. Except she doesn’t!!! Instead, Madi tells P that if he has sex with anyone else on the show she’s out! P’s all like WAIT, WHAT?? She says sex is super important to her and her faith and all but she’s leaving out the most important part!!! UGH. BTW, Peter’s scar looks terrible. I’m getting a strong Harry Potter gone wrong vibe.
The gang heads to Gold Coast, Australia and I hope ABC made a HUGE donation to the wildfire relief efforts in Australia. Don’t film all these koala and kangaroos if you’re not going to chip in for their rescue efforts! Ok, getting off my soapbox now.
Madi gets to the hotel suite first, then Hannah Ann, and Victoria arrive separately. So wait, ABC is putting all the ladies in the same suite on FS week? That’s just soo mean! Can you imagine the awkward conversations they’ll be having post sex with THE SAME DUDE??? P arrives and he looks miserable. Probably trying to decide what to do with that info Madi layed down at the hangar.
HA gets the first date and they go jet skiing then chill on the beach. HA keeps telling P she’s really ok with him having sex with the other girls and it’s starting to get weird. HA: “I like totally like understand and like I have like patience for this like journey” KILL ME NOW.
That night at Fake Dinner HA brings up her “understanding” again! Ok we get it! HA reads the FS note and is all “Oh Chris Harrison! What a lil devil!” like she hasn’t been watching this show her whole life. They go up to the hotel suite and honestly, HA seems more excited about the hot tub than making out with P. Hey, at least you’re first in line! They make out errrywhere in the suite and recreate that foggy Titanic scene with the bathroom door.
The next morning I’m expecting to see P & HA wake up together but instead we are treated to HA’s return to the girls’ suite and the AWKWARD convo that follows. OMG! You look so skinny, girl! No, YOU look so cute! #vomit And the whole time Madi is sitting there with gritted teeth trying to smile.
Victoria’s date is next and she and P tour Gold Coast by helicopter then go hiking to a waterfall. As they are talking Vic says “We haven’t even fought today…yet” and P keeps talking about the “fight” they have in them and how they are fighting for their relationship and I think ol Pachi’s head wound is worse than we could have imagined because fighting for a relationship and a relationship that ONLY consists of fighting are 2 v v different things.
At Fake Dinner P is trying to deep dive into Vic’s feelings without actually asking why she’s such an alleged homewrecker. And then here we go, Vic starts up with the I don’t know’s and the attitude and how she’s struggling and really trying here. Good LORT but I hate her so much!!! Every sentence ends on a high note like she’s constantly asking questions. Somehow she and P end up in their suite and next thing we know it’s morning and they are snuggled in the bed. Vic says she’s in love with P. WHY is he so into Vic?? He tells the camera he’s in love with all 3 and I die a little on the inside.
Vic goes back to the girls’ suite for more awkward convo. I find it interesting that at different points in this show they all wear cross necklaces. I mean, WWJD and all?
We finally get to Madi’s date. She and P suit up in harnesses and ascend by elevator to the 90th story or something of the tallest building in Gold Coast. Then they climb another few stories in the whipping wind outside of the building. The views are amazing but HELL NO would I ever!
That night at Fake Dinner Madi FINALLY tells P she’s saving herself for marriage and he visibly gulps. She then says she can’t say yes to a proposal if he’s had sex with anyone else this week and then 6 days later drops to one knee for her. P tells her that indeed, he has been intimate. But he doesn’t say if it’s with Vic (duh, of course it was) or HA, or both.
Ok so here’s the thing. In the real world, OF COURSE you wouldn’t want to know that your fiance had sex with another woman or two just last week and he’s proposing right now. That’s just gross. And ideally if you told your boyfriend that it’s super important that he keeps it in his pants this week, then he would. He would NOT have sex with the others if he really wants to be with Madi. But this isn’t the real world. This is the Bachelor. This is all about bikinis and making out and how close to soft porn ABC can get to show on the air during Prime Time. While I applaud Madi for sticking to her guns and her faith, she knew what she was signing up for. She HAD to have seen the show, right? She keeps saying “I don’t want to change” and she shouldn’t have to. But she can’t expect P to stay faithful to her on Fantasy Suite week without giving him all the pertinent information. It’s just not fair. You know that he’s been wanting to have sex with all three of them all season long! I personally think it’s gross that Fantasy Suite dates aren’t spread out over the course of a couple of weeks at the very least. But I’m not a producer for this den of inequity! Ha!
Ok, back to Madi and P’s Fake Dinner. Madi gets up from the table and walks outside to cry. P’s crying at the table then he goes after her. There’s a bunch of forehead kissing and P apologizing and begging Madi not to leave. Then she walks away from him. Is she going home? We won’t know until next week BBs!!! xo 🌹
Week 8 is Hometowns! One of my favorite weeks each season because we get to see where all these crazies came from! The episode starts with a little video diary chat from Peter and BOY does he look tired!
Our first stop is Hannah Ann’s hometown of Knoxville. HA decides she’s gonna toughen up Peter to impress her manly man of a dad, so she takes P axe throwing! Who else sees another head injury in P’s future??? After an embarrassing attempt at some axe throwing, P pulls out a list he made of all the things he loves about HA. It’s not pink like her list was, but it’s pretty lengthy! HA gushes appropriately and we move on to the night portion of the date.
When P is there at HA’s house making small talk with the fam, Dad is stone cold silent. Not cracking a smile, not saying a word! He’s a tough one! P & Dad sit down to talk & P says he is going to tell HA that he’s falling in love with her. Dad- please just don’t. Hahahahaha!!! P looks concerned for a hot minute but as soon as the night is coming to an end and he and HA are sitting outside on a bench, P tells HA that he’s falling in love with her. Guess Dad didn’t scare P enough! HA tells P that she loves him. I believe she does but she is SO not ready for marriage! Doesn’t she still live there at home? I bet her bedroom is still pink for goodness sake!
Next up is Kelsey in Des Moines, Iowa. The wine capital of the USA!!! Kelsey takes P to a winery and that’s a BIT on the nose if you ask me. I’m not shocked in the least that their date revolves around alcohol! Mix it up a bit Kels! The two of them hop in a bin and stomp grapes to make their own wine (GROSS. I’m not drinking foot wine!!!) Then they have a wine tasting and put together the bottle of wine to take home. They are talking after and Kels tells P she’s in love with him. P responds with “That makes me really happy. Thank you.” and I know in that instant that Kels and P’s love affair is not long for this world.
That night P meets Kelsey’s family and man alive are these people BLONDE?!?! And they all seem to get the same nose job once they hit 18 years of age. Mom is super skeptical of P and the whole process. But really, show me one set of parents who isn’t skeptical!
Madison’s hometown is next so we’re in Auburn, Alabama. Mad and P meet up at Auburn University basketball arena. All of the electric display boards are lit up with their names and Charles Barkley even has a recorded message for P- treat her right! Mad and P run through some basketball drills and she’s really good. Way better than P!
That night at Fake Dinner with the Family, Madison gets the Special Plate. It’s this sweet tradition where one person in the family gets the special plate for dinner and everyone else has to say what makes them special. Mom and Mad talk and we learn that Mad is saving herself for marriage. AND P doesn’t know. Hmmm. Since this dude is basically famous for fornicating four times in a windmill…I’d say this may pose a problem soon.
P talks with Dad (who looks like a kid with old dude makeup on and is named CHAD). Chad asks P “Do you KNOW” if you’re in love with my daughter? P says he can’t answer that right now. Yikes. But then, not 10 minutes later P is telling Mad he’s falling in love with her!!! THEN he tells the camera I LOVE MADISON. That’s big news peeps.
We finally get to Train Wreck, USA. Also known as Victoria’s hometown. Nothing against Virginia Beach, VA but I am just so DONE with Vic. Anyway, Dumpster Fire, I mean, Vic, takes P to dress up and get Old Timey photos done. Then they go to a bar/restaurant where ANOTHER one of Vic’s exes is playing. I kid. It’s Hunter Hayes. But you know P was thinking it the whole time! The song Hunter is singing says something about I don’t want easy I want crazy and it’s as if he wrote it just for Vic & P.
At the end of their day date they say goodbye and go their separate ways. But then a woman calls out to Peter and it turns out she used to date P back in the day. AND she knows Vic. ABC is blurring her face while she’s talking for some reason. She won’t say much, just warns P to be careful and he deserves better than Vic and that Vic is responsible for breaking up a lot of relationships. Oooooh. Well, this doesn’t sit well with P. After a bit of Googling, your very own Shanny P.I. found out that Vic is infamous in Virginia Beach for breaking up marriages. ALLEGEDLY. AND she has been arrested for DWI and has 13 (!!!) traffic violations! NOT allegedly!!! For real!!! DUDE. No one needs to let her behind the wheel of a car ever again!
So that night P gets out of the car at Family of Vic’s house and Vic instantly smells the trouble brewing and starts asking him what’s wrong. They sit down to talk and he tells her what Marissa said earlier at the restaurant. Vic INSTANTLY starts whining and crying and says I don’t want to do this and gives P HUGE attitude and is super combative. All while he’s just trying to talk. AND she never denies it. She just asks “which relationships have I broken up?”. GUILTY. Allegedly I mean. I don’t want to get sued. But I gots to reports the news here. So Vic gets up and walks away from P. They meet back up in the street for a minute and she’s crying still and still giving major attitude. They hug and HE LEAVES!!! He doesn’t even go inside to meet the parents!
The next day Vic shows up at P’s hotel and apologizes, cries, yet never denies the charges. Hmmm. Vic tells P I just can’t walk away from you. P’s like, but you kinda do, like all the time. Bahahaha!!! Vic apologizes again and leaves.
Back in LA we’re in yet another airplane hangar, because ABC isn’t finished pushing the point that Pilot Pete is a pilot who pilots planes! UGH for the love of all that’s good and holy….we get it!!!!
Vic is showing off the boobs tonight in a plunging V. Holy smokes but I hate her vocal fry. Chris Harrison says hello to her and she responds with HIIIIIEEEEE and my ears bleed.
Hannah Ann gets the first rose. Then Madison. Then….Vic!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN???? OR are the producers forcing him to keep her around?? Ugh. So Kels is going home and P can’t even give her a good reason! Side note- it’s nice to see P in a blue suit with black shoes. Most of the time I see men wearing blue suits with brown shoes and that is just not a good look guys.
So we think the episode is over because P says goodbye to the women but then Madison calls after P and says she needs to talk with him. Dum dum dummmmmm.
And that’s the end my BBs! Next week- Fantasy Suites in Australia! xo 🌹
Week 7 is in Lima, Peru. There are 6 girls left. P still has what looks like a flesh colored papier mache project stuck to his forehead. Next week is Hometowns. Let’s dive in!
Before we get to the dates, P visits the remaining girls in their suite to tell them, once again, that he’s serious about all this and that they should be too. They have a champagne toast then P goes back to his room to FaceTime with his mom. His mom calls him Pachi!!!! OMG! I’m dying over this!!!
P shows up to Madi’s date and he doesn’t have the bandage on his head anymore. He points this out to Madi and tells her they are going fishing. Madi is a stronger woman than I because at the mere mention of fishing I’d be out like trout.
They fish for about 30 seconds before spending the rest of the date making out on the boat. That night at Fake Dinner Madi says she has something to talk to P about. Turns out she’s really religious and so is her dad. Then GIRL. What are you doing on this show??? Have you not heard of the Fantasy Suites? What will Daddy and the Good Lord think then??? Ay Pachi, she’s in a pickle! P responds that he’s religious too, but his faith could be stronger. Basically he’s Christian Lite. P then tells Madi he’s falling in love with her and gives her the rose.
Natasha and P spend the day exploring the city and frankly I’m bored. There is ZERO romantic chemistry between them and I think the only reason she’s made it this far is because he’s terrified of her. My suspicions are validated at Fake Dinner when P talks about how bold and honest Nat is but doesn’t give her the rose. Girl you deserve better. Natasha leaves with her head held high.
Kels gets another 1-1 and this time they go riding ATVs and race each other up a hill on foot. I’m seriously worried a medic will need to be called in when they get to the top of the hill. Peter hasn’t breathed this heavily since he was in that Windmill! At Fake Dinner Kels talks about her dysfunctional family and I finally feel like I can relate to her a bit since she’s not cursing someone out or crying over spilt champagne.
Kels gets the rose so we’re going to Iowa next week!
Instead of a Rose Ceremony, this week we are treated to a 3 on 1 date. Kelley is SUPER confident Pachi will keep her for Hometowns and send either Hannah Ann (the child) or Victoria (the hot mess) home. And at this point, while I’m not crazy about Kelley’s showboating here, I have to agree with her.
HA & P go off to talk first. HA pulls out this list of reasons why she likes P and I’m instantly transported back to 8th grade. The pink paper! The Is dotted with hearts. HEARTS!!! You just know she’s been practicing signing her name as HA Weber. Geez, the girl IS a child!
Kelley & P talk next and he’s looking at her with such a flat expression. Uh oh, Kell, things aren’t looking so good for you. She mentions that she’s been having fun again and P doesn’t like that. Kell- have you not seen the show? You should be weeping right now and declaring your love for a guy you’ve spent 45 minutes with total! Not making level headed points and having reasonable conversation!
Victoria & P talk last. P says he’s confused still from their last 1-1 and Vic sayd “You really wanna use our time to talk about that?” and “You’re always in a mood” and the next thing you know they are squabbling AGAIN. Look, if you’ve been on 1 date with someone and you’re already arguing? That does not bode well for the future! Vic is, not surprisingly, in tears again.
P picks up a rose and walks Vic to a SUV and just as I think he has ONE brain cell rattling around in that injured noggin, he gives Vic the rose! UGH.
P walks back to HA and Kelley and tells them each what he likes about their relationships. Then he gives HA the remaining rose. This man makes NO sense. HA breaks down sobbing while P walks Kelley to the waiting car.
Kelsey, Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison remain. Can’t wait for Hometowns! See you then BBs! 🌹