Mother’s Day

I received this card the other day, just in time for Mother’s Day. For most people Mother’s Day means brunch and flowers and merriment. And that plays into my day too as I celebrate my mom and my sister (who’s a mom). But Mother’s Day is also bittersweet for me. Because I’ve always, always, as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mom. Every year since I turned 30 and the Clomid didn’t work for us I’ve sort of dreaded this day. But there was always a glimmer of hope for us to become parents so each Mother’s Day I get up and get dressed up and join my mom and my sisters and we spend the day together.

But today is different. Today my mom is out of town helping my youngest sister move. So Mother’s Day has a different sort of feel. But mostly today is different because my glimmer of hope is almost faded out. I’m 45 now and still childless. But not because we didn’t try, that’s for sure. We tried international adoption (2 different countries) and that didn’t work out for various reasons. Then we were matched up by a friend with a birthmother who, after a few months, changed her mind. We took a year off after that, to heal. Then we joined a domestic foster to adopt program. Our social worker told us “Give me a year and I’ll have you matched with a child.” EIGHT years later we still didn’t have a match. We came close a few times. Last year we even drove 8 hours to Northern Virginia to be interviewed for a child who ultimately went to another family. Then in December of last year our home study expired again and would require more money, more time, more paperwork, more effort. And by then CSP was worn out. He was over it. I was tired too, but I always finish what I start so I was willing to go through it all again. But I can’t be a married single parent. I can’t do it alone. So we let our home study expire. And my heart broke into a thousand little pieces.

I was watching a tv show the other day where a lady (we’ll call Susie) was having twins via surrogate after 8 miscarriages and 13 failed IVF trials. She was talking with another lady (we’ll call Karen) who was 35 and unmarried with no prospects and was considering freezing her eggs. Susie told Karen “If you want to be a mom, you’ll be a mom, whether it’s through biology or adoption, you’ll find a way.” That really hit home because I thought when my body failed me and I had to have a hysterectomy, that I’d found my way- through adoption. But now I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mom. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me. I do know that my heart hurts. That some days I feel useless, like my life doesn’t have much purpose or direction if I can’t be a mom. That I’ll end up all alone, forgotten in some nursing home somewhere when I’m old. So when my dear friend sent that thoughtful and sweet card that reminds me that I AM strong, brave, beautiful, cared about, and loved, it was just what I needed! I have faith and friends and family who love me and my story isn’t over.

The most wonderful time of the year

It’s Fall y’all!  Well, not officially, but Starbucks is selling Pumpkin Lattes so that’s good enough for me!  Another sign it is Fall is that all the holiday stuff is coming out!  For instance….Scentsy‘s Holiday Collection is available now!  Scentsy has you covered for Halloween, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, and Christmas!  Check out some of these adorable warmers!  

 And there are lots of new Fall/Winter scents available too.  Like Autumn Sunset, Christmas Cottage, Pumpkin Marshmallow, Festival of Trees, Pumpkin Roll and more!  With less than 100 days left til Christmas you better get to shopping!  Click here to see the entire Holiday collection!

Everything’s better with bacon

Even chocolate.  CSP’s mom gave us a Mo’s Bacon Bar as a Valentine’s Day treat.  I’ve been wanting to try one forever.  CSP was skeered but I tried it and it was so yummy!  And I’m not a major chocolate person so that ought to tell you something.  It is a great combo of sweet and savory.  A very fun treat!

Pugs & Kisses!

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Tell everyone you love that you love them!  These are the Valentines I made on See Here for 18 cents each that came with 2 day shipping!  I used our red hearts blanket from IKEA as a backdrop on the sofa.  CSP gave treats while I snapped a bunch of pics.  I’m really pleased with how they turned out!  Happy hearts day to you all! xoxo

Smash your desktop

I love to change out my desktop wallpaper each month so I was really psyched when Jenny (of LJC fame) first linked to Smashing Magazine.  Every month they publish a ton of fabulous free desktop wallpapers with and without calendars.  Lots of different artists submit designs so there’s a style for everyone.  Click here to see this month’s offerings.   For February I chose  February Fever.   I like having a calendar on the desktop that I can glance at without having to pull up iCal all the time.  I think it’s smashing!  herrr!

Fuel for my addiction

Angry Birds Seasons released their Valentine’s Day update today. SUCH cute graphics! I shouldn’t be working on the Valentine levels though when I still have some Christmas levels to beat.  I STILL can’t beat Christmas level 20!  And I can’t get 3 stars on 12, 13, 14, 16, 17, and 23.  Must be due to my old eyes and slowing reflexes!