BBs! We are finally here! The finale! Praise be. I’m so tired of Zach. He’s so boring and problematic! More on that later. Let’s dive in…
We start in LA where Ariel comes out looking stunning! A says she’s hurt because at her last Rose Ceremony she didn’t know Zach had gone back on his word and had sex with Gabi. A didn’t find out until she watched it on tv! And apparently Z had AMPLE time to tell Ariel all about his mess up, but he didn’t. Zach comes out on stage and Ariel confronts him. She is SO poised and elegant. She wants to know why he wasn’t honest with her when his whole brand is honesty. A dresses Z down so well I applaud her! You’re better off without him sweetie!
Back to Thailand. We are treated to yet ANOTHER shower scene starring Khaki Zach and no soap! COME ON ABC. He’s not even that ripped! Ugh. Anyway, Zach’s family is in Thailand ready to meet his women. We have mom, dad, and 2 sisters. Gabi meets the fam first but before they go inside she and Z sit down for a chat. G says she feels guilty and conflicted after the last Rose Ceremony when Z confesses that they had sex in front of God and the world, WITHOUT G’s consent!!! G says she feels like a mistake. Z reassures her and halfheartedly apologizes and they go inside to meet the family. Personally I feel like she let him off the hook too easily.
Family time goes great and afterward Gabi tells Z she’s in love with him.
The next day it’s Kaity’s turn to meet the family. K gets all emotional talking with Z’s parents. And afterwards, unsurprisingly, K tells Z she’s in love with him.
Next up are the final dates. First Kaity and Zach hike to a waterfall and make out. You can see straight through the back of K’s white pants. That night they make out and chat about their feelings. The next day Z and Gabi go horseback riding to the beach. Z keeps talking (his fatal flaw) about his big decision and how he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. G gets v emotional about the whole thing. Why doesn’t he know yet? Why doesn’t he pick her first?
Both girls wear v cheeky swim suits. Is this the style now? To have your tush out for the world to see?? Back in my day (says the old lady), we dug our swim suits OUT of our bums!!! I digress.
That night Zach tells Gabi he’s falling in love with her, but he tells the camera he’s still not sure who he’s going to pick.
Proposal Day
Jesse helps Zach pick out a stunner of a ring. Guess Neil Lane couldn’t make the trip.
Gabi arrives first looking amazing. She has killer legs. She gets to Zach and he’s talking about how great she is then says “BUT” and Gabi knows right then that it’s not her getting a ring today. Zach keeps talking (UGH, what did I tell you) even though G has turned away and is crying and is saying I don’t want to hear it. He just keeps going until she says “stop” and it’s like he can’t help himself. ALL she wants to do now is leave and here Z is following her talking talking talking when G does. not. want. to. hear. it!!! He walks her to the car and my heart is breaking for her. Just SHUT UP Zach!!!
LA
Gabi is crying on stage with Jesse. She said in the car leaving the proposal site that there’s something wrong with her (SO UNTRUE) and she’s unlovable (AGAIN, FALSE) and that she’s humiliated (WAY TO GO ABC). Gabi looks amazing but is still upset. And rightfully so. Z comes out. G says that on their Fantasy Suites date Z said that their sex was just between us. Then he turns right around and broadcasts it to the world! SO SELFISH. Gabi tells Z “I wish you would have just sent me home when you knew”. Z apologizes but between you and me, it’s not enough. I HATE how they (Z & ABC) humiliated her on tv just to get back to the old formula. Z should have sent her home when he knew!
Thailand
Zach proposes to Kaity and while I like K a lot I’m still upset with Z over Gabi so I’m a bit salty.
LA
Z & K say they are moving in together in Austin and planning for a 2025 wedding. Congrats! Jesse asks Zach when did Z know that K was the one and Z says it was on their last chance date. BOOM. So he could have sent Gabi home instead of stringing her along and making her suffer through one last date and the proposal day. But he didn’t. UGH. I hope Khaki Pants Zach is better to you Kaity, than he was to Gabi.
Well BBs, thank the LORD that’s over and we can move on to Charity’s Bachelorette season! See you in June!!! xo š¹
Wow my BBs, we have a LOT to talk about! Namely, I just finished watching the finale and After the Final Rose and I have SOME THOUGHTS. Let’s dive in!
Matt’s mom Patty and brother John arrive to meet the girls and counsel Matt. I still stand by my initial assessment that Patty is really Celine Dion’s fraternal twin, but I digress. Michelle meets the fam first and it goes swimmingly. Everyone loves Michelle and why wouldn’t you? She’s poised, articulate, mature, and most importantly, willing to overlook Matt’s obsession with turtlenecks! Patty bursts into tears almost immediately!
Rachael meets the family next and Patty says “She’s….cute.” Yeah, it did not go as well as Michelle’s visit. When John asks Rach how many serious boyfriends she’s had she includes high school in her answer. RED FLAG! She’s far too young and immature for an engagement!!! Even though, when speaking to Patty, Rachael actually says “As I’ve gotten older…” what?!? You’re 24 years old missy!
Matt comes back to confer with his family and he’s giddy over his final two. Mom says “love is not the be all end all” and both Mom and John encourage Matt not to rush into anything. Clearly they have never seen this show either. The entire point is to rush a relationship straight into an engagement!!!
Next, Matt sits down with Chris Harrison and explains his fears and that he might not be ready and that his Mom really rocked him to his core and CH is all “Mom’s a bummer”. I paraphrase.
The next day is Matt’s final date with Michelle. They rappel down the side of a building then sit on a tarmac of some sort to chat. Odd. That night they are chatting in Michelle’s suite when Michelle says she has a gift for Matt. She says Matt’s her teammate and gives him a custom jersey with Mr. James on it. She has a matching one with Mrs. James. You can see the panic on his face as he’s holding up the jersey. Matt tells Michelle he has doubts and he can’t “get there” with her. Michelle cries and Matt leaves crying. You should be crying Matt! You’re an idiot!
Matt sits back down with CH and tells him he needs time.
The next day Matt is supposed to have a date with Rachael but sends CH to cancel it for him. Matt’s still saying he doesn’t know if he’s ready over and over yet he still sits down with Neil Lane and picks out an engagement ring! The next day Matt sends Rach a note- Meet me by the lake for some answers. Matt finally forgoes the turtleneck and puts on a suit. He speaks with CH first and says he loves Rachael, but is love enough??
Matt goes to wait for Rach in a gazebo. Rachael arrives wearing a bedazzled green sequined dress. She walks up to Matt and gives a speech about how much she loves him. Matt says he can’t propose to her today because he wants it to last longer than his parents’ union and he’s just not ready. Then in the next breath he says he sees Rach as the mother of his children and his wife! I have questions!!! Matt says I don’t want to lose you so do you wanna date me? Again, I paraphrase. They kiss and ride off in a horse drawn carriage.
After the Final Rose
Now, we all know about the drama that’s surrounded Rachael since the show was airing. She attended and was photographed at an antebellum party and apparently also liked some racially insensitive and problematic photos on Instagram. CH came to her defense and made matters even worse during an interview with Rachel Lindsay. So, Emmanual Acho hosted ATFR tonight. His giant arms barely being contained by that suit jacket were a nice distraction. Ahem, anyway…
Michelle comes out looking fierce and says she never got closure because after the breakup she asked for a few minutes of Matt’s time and HE REFUSED!!!! How dare he???
Matt comes out on stage sporting that pandemic, I’m single beard. Michelle calls him out for not speaking to her after the breakup, kissing with his eyes open, and constantly saying “thank you for sharing that”. It is awesome to watch! Matt apologizes for not speaking with her when she asked.
Emmanual then speaks to Matt on his own. Emm (that’s a looonnng name to type over and over, forgive me) asks Matt about being the first black bachelor and if he felt pressure and Matt says he spent so much time during the show trying to appear non-threatening to appease people who may not be used to seeing people of color on their tv screen. That is just so sad to me that he felt like he couldn’t be his full, true self on the show because he’s black and (I assume) most of the Bachelor’s viewing audience is not.
Emm then asks about the Rachael controversy and we find out that Matt broke up with Rachael. But first he didn’t believe it when he heard it and stood by her. The breaking point came when Matt had to explain to Rachael why what she did was problematic. WOW. He shouldn’t have had to explain that to a 24 year old woman in 2021 who’s in love with a person of color.
Rachael then comes out to speak to Emm on her own first. Emm makes a great point about the antebellum party when he says history should be remembered, but not all of it should be celebrated. Truth. Rach admits to ignorance about the meaning and significance of the antebellum party and apologizes.
Matt then joins Rachael on the stage. Emm says what do you want to share with her and Matt is overcome with emotion and can barely say a thing. She tries to hold his hand but after a few moments he pulls away. Rach is crying and Matt says I don’t want to be emotionally responsible for those tears. Good for you Matt! He also says Rach has to put in the work to get better and that’s something she needs to do on her own and that’s why they can’t be together. Rach apologizes to Matt and Emm says something about do y’all want one last embrace? Matt stays completely still. I do not see a reconciliation in their future.
The next Bachelorette(s) are then announced and it’s Michelle and Katie! Yay!!! Two separate seasons, with Katie going first, filming right away and airing this summer.
FINALLY! Chris Harrison has been promising the most dramatic finale ever and finally ABC delivers! Well, sort of. But we’ll get to that. Now, settle in BBs because we have a LOT to unpack and this is a long one!
We pick back up in Australia where Peter is down to ONE lady vying for his heart. Madison self eliminated last night, so he has Hannah Ann left. BUT HA doesn’t know that Madi is gone! That’s quite the information to keep under wraps there, Pachi!
But before we get to HA & P, back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison points out that Kelley is in the audience tonight! WHAT??? ABC are you punking me? Because first you don’t invite Kell to the Women Tell All, then you let her come to this? And what about the rumor going around that Kell and P end up together?? I’m so confused rn.
Back to Australia. HA is dressed in what can only be described as the ranch dressing of formal gowns. It’s so boring and beige and I thought it was part of a bridal lingerie set. Odd choice there, HA. Just before she’s supposed to go get engaged, HA collapses on her bed and declares herself emotionally drained.
Meanwhile P is pacing around in the desert in a full suit trying not to become a sweaty mess. CH appears and tells P that HA might not be coming. WHAT?!? Now this, this is the drama I signed up for! Bravo ABC! But really, is anyone surprised?? I mean HA IS only 12 years old. At that tender age I could barely commit to a choose your own adventure book, much less a full grown man! Next thing you know, CH tells P that HA is coming after all and I immediately suspect they only told P she wasn’t coming to spice up this dumpster fire of a proposal. Tell me I’m wrong!
Whoever told HA to wear strappy stiletto sandals to the DESERT needs to be shot! No one wants their heels sinking into the sand OR dusty toes! No one!!! HA hobbles through the sand and down the wooden boardwalk to get to P and I’ve never felt so sorry for her. Until 2 minutes later when P starts out his proposal speech to Hannah Ann by saying Madison’s name. OUCH. How romantic!!! P fumbles and bumbles through his little speech and he looks THRILLED to be proposing to his Plan B. Ahh, young love! You can tell HA was fully prepared to be dumped for Madi because it takes her a minute to grasp that this boring dolt is actually asking her to marry him. The ring is gorgeous though, so there’s that.
Back in LA, P stops by to tell his family about his proposal. He hems and haws and beats around the bush until finally Barb breathlessly asks “Who is it??” and y’all. Believe me when I tell you that this woman is WAY to invested in her son’s love life because her shrieks could be heard ’round the world!!!
A month later P & HA reunite in LA and it’s the first time they’ve been together since Australia. P answers the door and greets her and they settle in on the sofa and he looks about as excited as he’d be if he was about to get a root canal. What’s up P? P then tells HA he isn’t sure if he still loves her. Uh oh. HA- I would stand by you even if it kills me. Well, HA, be careful what you wish for cause things aren’t looking too good for you right now. And yep, P is actually breaking up with HA rn. But she is. not. having. it!!! HA- You took away my first engagement!!! Love that she says “first”. It’s like how I refer to CSP as my “first” husband. Let him have it HA!!!
BTW, the camera keeps showing Barb’s face while she’s watching all this from the LA audience and this is pure gold. Give that camera man a raise because not all heroes wear capes, BBs.
Back to HA & P- things are getting heated because HA has moved from shock to anger. HA- I said yes and I get this?!? And she waves the ring in his pitiful face!!! What a time to be alive! HA throws the ring at him and Barb CLAPS!!! I’ve never seen a man publicly disowned by his family on live tv and I am here for it!!!
HA decides to leave and for some strange reason they HOLD HANDS on the way to her waiting car. But when she gets in and he’s trying to talk to her she puts her hand up and tells him to LEAVE. I’ve never felt more alive!!! Who knew HA had all this fire inside of her?? I love it!!! Ok, sidebar. WHAT is going on with P’s pants? Why is he rolling up his jeans so high and wearing hiking boots? He looks like a hipster woodland elf!!!
Back in LA at the live viewing, CH brings HA out to confront P for the first time since the breakup. HA looks fierce and follows it up with words to match. P breathes and HA comes for him. The audience is totally on her side too. Not to mention, Barb! Way to go HA! I have to say that up until this finale I had hoped things would work out for P. He’s cute and harmless and nice enough but to withhold the information that HA was literally the last woman standing and his plan B, then to propose to her anyway??? That’s just gross, P. HA was right, there were 3 women involved in their engagement. Four if you count Barb!
CH gives HA the final word and boy is it a zinger! HA tells P if he wants to be with a woman he needs to be a real man first and I am DECEASED!!! If people still said “You go girl” I would have been yelling that at the tv! But they don’t, so please stop saying that. Srsly.
Now that P has been skewered on national television, CH tells P he has another surprise for him. P looks like he’s an inch from literally dying in front of us. I’ve not seen a man so emotionally battered like this. CH says he went to Auburn, AL to visit Spider Eyes Madison a few weeks ago. On the screen, we see CH visit Madi in her home. CH- P got engaged. LONG PAUSE. CH- but he’s single now! Dang, but CH lives for the drama! Madi says she made a mistake and would do things differently now. This gets her an epic eye roll from Barb in the audience. Seriously, an Oscar to this camera man!!! CH tells Madi it’s P’s dream to be engaged to her. That’s a biiiiit of a stretch but ok, CH. You do you. It doesn’t take any arm twisting to get Madi to hop a plane to LA. I don’t quite understand how being engaged to another woman is ok but having sex in the Fantasy Suite is practically a deal breaker to Madi, but whatever, I just work here.
Next we see a forlorn P staring into a swimming pool while Madi walks up to him. He’s genuinely shocked to see her. Back to the live portion, CH asks P if he still loves Madi. P- yeah. WOW knock me over with a feather! He’s soooo romantic. All these yeahs! Ugh.
Madi comes out onstage and we see Barb mouth “I can’t” to her porn stache wearing husband. Barb was sent from TV ratings heaven I tell you. Ok so wait. Madi and P haven’t seen each other since the poolside chat? What?? So weird. CH asks what’s the next step for P and Madi and P shoots a look at his mommy before answering. Cut the strings P!
CH gives Barb the floor and she starts out by saying she’s getting a LOT of love in her DMs. Hmmm. Then Barb spills some tea. Apparently a lot went on that ABC didn’t show on the day Madi came to meet the fam in Australia. Madi allegedly mad the family wait THREE HOURS before coming in the house to meet them. And when she finally did come in, Madi then told Barb she wouldn’t marry her son. WOW. Don’t hold back Barb!
Ok, so my thoughts on this. You KNOW production played a huge role in the 3 hour delay. I just can’t believe that Madi sat outside in the hot Australian sun slut shaming P for 3 whole hours. Especially while wearing that black turtleneck. It was sleeveless, but still. Also, we all know that I think Madi was in the wrong for manipulating P with the whole Fantasy Suite ultimatum. While I applaud her faith and values and standing up for them, she used her virginity to try and get her way, then left the show when things didn’t work out in her favor. Barb is quite the piece of work, but she could see what Madi was dishing out.
As I’ve said, this would never work between Madi and P. Barb HATES Madi. You can feel the daggers Barb is shooting from her eyes in Madi’s direction. You have to stand up for your wife and P looks like he’s about to burst into tears tonight being caught in the middle of his girlfriend and his mommy. There’s no way he could do this for the rest of his ding dang life!
CH tries to wrap things up but Barb can’t stop, won’t stop putting Madi down from the audience. CH- Well, you two will figure things out, right Mom? Barb- You have to fail to succeed! NO. SHE. DIDN’T. I haven’t heard a room full of people gasp like that since my wedding reception when my FIL toasted us by saying “You spend your whole life looking for the perfect person to love. In the meantime you get married.” Yeah. That happened. Don’t be jealous.
Back to ABC & the Bachelor hijinks…. Ok so to wrap up, Barb is completely unhinged. SHE’S THE MOM. It’s not her job to judge and openly hate P’s love. It’s her job to support her son. She can hate Madi all the livelong day but she should never let that show. I applaud Madi for saying “I love and respect P so I love and respect his family and you’ll never hear a negative word about them come out of my mouth.” That, Barb, is how you do it. I give Spider Eyes Madi and P a month before they implode. Speaking of… there’s no proposal on stage, no evidence even that they are dating. Way to leave us hanging ABC!
That’s a wrap on P & Madi. CH brings Clare out to promote her run as the new Bachelorette for a solid 90 seconds. They show a clip of her from her time on Juan Pablo’s season and it’s clear as day that she’s had a slew of plastic surgery. New nose, cheeks, eyes, chin, the works! I remember her from all her Bachelor appearances (Paradise, Winter Games, etc) and she is a hot mess. Can’t wait for her season to start! See you then BBs!!! xo š¹
Y’all. We made it! We sat through hours and hours of a never ending train wreck of a season and we finally were rewarded with a season finale that did not disappoint!!! So let’s dive in!
Hannah Ann is the first to meet the parents. She arrives all emotional and teary and to say that the family falls in love with her is the understatement of the year!!! HA is the easy choice, his family points out to him. But Pachi is torn and tears up talking to Pachi Sr. BTW, who told Barb it would be appropriate to meet your future DIL while wearing a tube top??? Fire her stylist!!!
The next day Madison comes to meet the fam. She brings her pet spiders that live in her eyelashes. They are on ALERT today! Girl! GO TO SEPHORA. They will help you!!! Madi gets there and she and P sit and mumble for the LONGEST time about how hard everything is and how she’s a fighter and Madi says “I need to like feel confident and like at peace and like I don’t”. P literally asks her what’s the issue here? I want to smack him!!! I’m just watching the show and I know what the issues are. He’s LIVING it and still can’t keep it straight!!! Come on Pachi! DO BETTER!!!
Madi finally tells P she loves him. They go in to see his parents and have apparently been keeping them waiting. P and his brother sit down to talk and even Jack can see that P & Madi have WILDLY different lifestyles. Jack- You like to party and have sex and she’s a virgin. You mean to tell me you can give that up???
Meanwhile Barb and Madi are talking and they are also hitting on the same points of their vastly different lifestyles. Barb- Don’t go changing my Pachi! Then Barb brings up the Fantasy Suite “ultimatum”. Barb CLEARLY is not a fan of this. As she’s making her points, Madi interrupts (!!!) to defend herself.
Madi’s time with the fam comes to a close and P walks her out. He returns to a sobbing Barb who says “Madi’s not here for you. HA is an angel on Earth!” Then the whole family dog piles on P talking about how much they LOVE HA and how Madi can just pack her bags and go. Finally Barb speaks the infamous line “Bring her home to us” while crying. P is visibly exhausted and tells her “You gotta stop doing this”. Hmmmm me thinks this isn’t the first time Barb has turned on the waterworks to get what she wants from her son.
Gotta say, I find it quite ironic that Barb bashes Madi for her faith and convictions then tells P that God Himself sent HA for him. #hypocrite
The next day P and Madi take a helicopter to this Uluru rock formation that is apparently super spiritual and sacred. Afterwards they are sitting on the desert floor swatting at flies and talking. Madi is talking about walking away so P can find what he’s looking for. Swat. About how different they are. Swat. She doesn’t want to SWAT change him and they may not be the SWAT best for each other. Can someone turn on a fan or something to combat these flies??? Madi decides to leave so P walks her to her car and she leaves in tears.
I have to give her credit. She’s not smart enough to watch a YouTube tutorial on mascara BUT she does know they are worlds apart when it comes to their lives. I mean, she’s a super religious small town girl and he’s a LA pilot who loves to …party… wink, wink. She’d have to move to LA and be all alone away from her family while he’s flying everywhere. It would be extremely difficult on a good day.
The next day Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance to talk to P. CH hasn’t even shaved for this! And here’s P looking like he’s lost his girl, truck, and his dog in one day!
Later, HA & P meet up and go to a kangaroo sanctuary. I hope ABC donated some money to this place! They get to hold and feed and love on some baby kangaroos and this is the ONLY time I’ve been jealous of HA this season. HA knows something is off with P. P has all the time in the world but he never mentions that Madi is gone. Interesting. That night HA gets all dressed up and lights an alarming amount of candles to set the mood. P shows up in a hoodie. Nice effort P! They talk and HA does her best to reassure P that she loves him. P just sighs a lot. He leaves and that’s it for tonight!!!
Part 2 coming up soon!!! Until then BBs!!! xo š¹
Bless Your Heart 