Bachelorette Week 12

Week 12- We begin back at the Rose Ceremony that was interrupted by Luke P(sycho). We’re down to Jed (UGH), Tyler, and Peter (swoon! can’t help it! don’t @ me). Alabama Hannah is still in that horrible Forever 21 formal cut out prom dress. She gives Jed the first rose! JED!!!! Who has a girlfriend at home! UGH. Peter is going home. He’s such a gentleman. AH is crying and he’s crying and I’m just trying to figure out how to slide into Peter’s DMs. Pete- call me! I’m sure CSP won’t mind!
We cut to LA and Chris Harrison in the studio with Peter. Peter’s parents are there and his mom is crying like he was lost at sea, not like he just got dumped on a nationally televised dating show. AH comes out and says hi to Peter’s parents like she’s going steady with Peter instead of having just broken his heart! Don’t be so cheery with them Missy! You chose to let Peter go! Oh, and AH’s dress is getting on my nerves. It’s got one long sleeve that’s hanging off her shoulder and the other arm is bare and it’s skin tight and cobalt blue and it just looks like this is a poorly thought out superhero ice dancing costume, especially those earrings- they look like bedazzled dust bunnies!
So AH is doing a LOT of flirting with Peter considering she’s supposedly ENGAGED at this point, right?? And then it comes out that they had sex not once, not twice, but 4, count em, 4 times in that windmill!!! Whoa!!! Then there’s some whispering. There’s more to this story, mark my words.
Back to Greece. We get to meet AH’s family. OMG what a treat this is for me!!! Dad looks like a Cracker Barrel Santa with his gray goatee and long, gray hair. And his eyes. SO tiny! Meanwhile Mom is rocking some major black eyeliner. Like WAY too much. She’s got GLITTER ON HER CHEST that you can spot just below her Forever 21 choker. Now I see where AH gets her fashion sense! Tyler comes in in his tight manpris and meets the family first. Mom’s bosom visibly heaves when she lays eyes on Tyty. Both parents are noticeably impressed by Tyler (and really, who wouldn’t be)? He’s tall, good looking, gainfully employed, truly woke. OK wait, who are these other people in the room? They are obvs relatives of AH but we never find out the relation or their names. I have questions ABC!!!
Next up to meet the fam is Jed. Today AH is wearing this odd blue caftan. She looks pretty but I can’t figure out the dress. Dime Eyes Dad sits Jed down and grills him about how is he going to support AH with his crappy singing career. Jed then drops this bombshell…he wrote a dog food jingle!!! I DIE. I googled it immediately and found out it’s for a company called Better Bowl (never heard of it) and the song sounds just like a sad country ditty (I wouldn’t expect less from Jed). Back to the parents. Now Mom is crying rivers through her many layers of foundation and eyeliner. AH: What do you think of Jed? Mom: He has qualities. Bahahahahaha!!!! He has qualities!!! So does Charles Manson!!! AH is NOT happy about how critical her parents are of Jed, but come on, can you blame them??? I just know there are multiple “Live, Laugh, Love” plaques in the Brown family home, but you gotta love them for putting their daughter first.
Afterwards AH & Jed are outside talking and you can see straight through her muumuu to her thong! AH is pouring her heart out to Jed and he looks as about affected as if she was trying to sell him a timeshare in Wichita.
Next up is Tyler’s last 1-1. AH and Ty are wearing painted on jeans so tight that when they go to get on a couple horses to ride around I’m just waiting for a giant rip! AH’s off the shoulder shirt looks like the old uniforms the waitresses used to wear at Lizard’s Thicket! And Ty’s jeans are rolled! That night AH shows up to Tyler’s hotel suite in a hooded midriff baring sweater that’s totally giving me middle school vibes. She and Tyler are doing some serious “straddling and mounting” as the camera cuts away.
Jed’s last 1-1 date is next and they take a catamaran out to sea. It would be a beautiful date if not for 2 things: 1. Jed is not wearing a shirt but he IS wearing a leather belt with his shorts. I can also tell he shaves his chest!!! And 2. AH is violently sea sick and puking over the side of the boat.
That night AH shows up in the most bizarre outfit of the season (and that’s saying something!) – a pink pleather jacket, a black lace cami, and WIDE leg lace trimmed crop pants with SLITS. Her wardrobe choices wear me out!!! Anyway, she and Jed have a talk and it doesn’t go so well. There is no mounting or straddling in Jed’s room tonight people!
And that’s it for today! We find out tonight who she picks (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE PICK TYLER!!!). I’ll watch tomorrow and report back my BBS! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 11- Men Tell All!

Week 11- Men Tell All!!! This is normally one of my favorite episodes but I just knew this one was going to be the Luke show. BUT we start back in Greece and I was not disappointed! We are there for the Rose Ceremony and Peter (I still swoon over him, I can’t help it), Tyler in his tight pants, and Jed (ugh) line up. Alabama Hannah appears and I hate everything about her look today. She’s wearing a bun (which is fine) but she’s got these long tendrils of hair framing her face so it looks like a big, fat spider is sitting on her head and hanging 2 legs down on the sides of her face. And she’s wearing a cut out dress that looks like a Pretty Woman knock off. Anyway, it looks like a regular Rose Ceremony until they show Luke in a van on his way to crash the ceremony. WITH A RING!!! I’ve been saying this for weeks but ABC is going to end up having to get a restraining order against this Psycho!!!!
So Luke arrives to the Rose Ceremony and goes and stands in the line up like everything is normal! Mind you, the other guys don’t know Luke has been sent home. AH walks up to the scene and sees Luke who tries to talk to her. AH says NO! And Jed’s face is priceless!!! Luke won’t stop talking so AH PICKS UP THE ROSE PEDESTAL and walks it closer to the other guys!!! I died!!! So awesome!!! The other 3 gather around AH while Luke is trying to talk to her. She looks him square in the eyes and tells him she doesn’t want him and to leave for the millionth time and he finally does, muttering to himself “She still doesn’t understand”. I just can’t with him!!!
Back to the Men Tell All. Luke comes out to the stage and people (not many, but still) actually applaud for him!!! I’ll sum up his extremely long time on stage: He keeps saying he’s misunderstood. And he says he still loves AH. But he’s not ok with her “straddling and mounting other guys”. STRADDLING AND MOUNTING!!!! He’s making her sound like a wild elk or something! He then says he was going to “rescue” AH. I swear just when I think he can’t say anything else to surprise me, he pulls out a gem! AH is the show’s lead! She does not need you to save her!!! Devin (WHO???) comes out on stage and puts Luke in his place but Luke does. not. get. it. He has no remorse. In fact he even says if he could go back he wouldn’t change a thing!!! UGH. He’s a lost cause ladies!!! He says he’s not here to argue with the guys. Well then why did you come?? Again, have you not seen this show??? And EVERY SINGLE TIME Chris Harrison asks Luke a question he literally takes a full 30 seconds or more to stare out into space before answering!
Next in the hot seat is JPJ- John Paul Jones. Chicken nuggets were eaten and thrown into the crowd. And some rando chick came up on stage out of the audience and cut a piece of his hair off! That was strange!!!
Mike wsa up next and nothing ridiculous happened because he is a gentleman! MIKE for Bachelor!!!!
AH comes out next looking fierce! She goes off about and to Luke and says her sex life is no one’s business and especially not his but you can tell by his face and raised eyebrows he doesn’t get it.
AH had sweet things to say to Mike, which was nice. Bloopers were really good this season. BIP looks insane!!! The Bachelorette finale is 2 nights next week so we’ll see you then BBs!!! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 10- Fantasy Suites!

Week 10- Fantasy Suites! This week we are in Crete, Greece. A place with beauty that knows no bounds and far better of a locale than Alabama Hannah’s creeps deserve!
We start with Peter. OH PETER!!!! You were my favorite from night one and now I’m so disappointed with you! Because you are (allegedly) a lying, cheating, jerk. Sigh. Peter and AH go sailing and he shows up to the boat…in jeans! Could he not pack a pair of shorts? Or borrow a pair of manpris from Tyler? Such an odd fashion choice! That night Peter hems and haws for soooo long while trying to tell AH that he loves her that I practically scream at my tv- just say it already!!!! He finally gets it out and they retire to a real live windmill. FINALLY, the infamous windmill we’ve been hearing about for weeks! It’s actually pretty cute! The next morning AH wakes up with a red nose and in fact, her whole face is red! Peter seems pretty pleased with himself.
Next up is Tyler. AH arrives to their spa date wearing Daisy Dukes and high heeled sandals. It’s an odd combo. They get a couples massage and halfway through Ty kicks the masseuses out and hops on the table and on top of AH! Bold move Ty! That night AH is wearing a silver lame’ dress and what appears to be her dad’s black blazer. Her stylist is clearly asleep at the wheel tonight. Over Fake Dinner, AH informs Tyler that there will be no sex tonight and they need to focus on their emotional relationship. As a last ditch effort Ty tells AH he loves her but she’s adamant about just cuddling. Ok, I’m sorry but I call BS here. Have you seen his arms? His abs? His shoulders? I mean, yes he wears manpris on the daily but who could resist all that??? The next morning AH is still trying to convince America that all they did was cuddle. SURE YA DID.
Jed is up next and I’m just so sick of him I can’t stand it. His little squinched up girlfriend having face. Ugh. They spend the day drinking ouzo with a Greek family and during the meal Jed pulls AH aside to talk about….Luke! UGH. Jed’s still feeling all pouty because it came down to him and Luke last week and he can’t wrap his head around why. AH does her best to explain and they go about their day. That night AH slinks to the Fake Dinner table in a reallllly low cut black dress. They start talking about Luke again. You’re really digging a grave here Jed! Jed says it’s all coming from a place of love and AH is giving him the benefit of the doubt until he says he’s worried and when he worries it makes him retract how he feels. OUCH. AH walks away from the table and Jed scurries after her. At least he’s wearing normal pants. Back at the table Jed’s back peddling like its his job! He even throws in a few I love yous. It does the trick and he gets invited to the fantasy suite. At this point I, and all of America, am shocked that she’s seemingly planning on having sex with Jed when she supposedly left Tyler hanging.
Luke. Bleh. Luke and AH take a helicopter (!!!) to Santorini (!!!) and nobody deserves a date like that less than Luke. I can’t even talk about their day date because it was so beautiful and it was wasted on that pile of human garbage. At Fake Dinner that night they sit down and I’m all excited because I know this is THE night and Luke wastes NO time and starts out with Let’s talk about sex! The boy is flabbergasted that AH would be offended that he basically called her street trash and alluded to her whoring around but that he’s above all that because he’s been celibate for 2.5-4 years. Um, WHAT??? That’s a pretty broad range there Luke. At this point it is thundering and lightning and raining on them and AH has had it. She’s finally seeing what we have all along and wants him gone. You. Go. AH. But Luke won’t leave. He’s just sitting there with his psycho eyes while AH is standing over him saying Come on Luke, let’s go. To get him to leave she tells him “I have had sex and Jesus still loves me” and I cheer! I wasn’t crazy about AH at first but I LOVE how she will not take crap from anyone, especially this short slut shaming punk. Luke says “Can I pray over you before I leave?” NO! Get out! Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Next week is men tell all and I can’t wait!!! Also it appears that Luke will not go silently into the good night and crashes the next rose ceremony! Thick headed fool!
Until next week BBs! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 9- Hometowns!

Week 9- Hometowns!!! One of my favorite episodes because we get to see where these punks come from and the families never disappoint!
We start with Peter. I don’t understand why Alabama Hannah isn’t more crazy about Peter. He’s adorable. He can fly a plane. He’s sweet and drama free! Marry him!!! He takes AH flying and I’m sure he’s taken a million girls flying but it IS really hot. His family seems really sweet & lovely & I love their pre-dinner yell fest! His dad crying during their talk was so sweet! My vote is for Peter, but then again it has been since day one.
Next up we’re in Florida for Tyler’s hometown. He takes her on a boat ride and I have no idea what they talked about because I was so distracted by his abs. Holy washboard stomach!!! Ok so they walk up to this mini mansion and I’m sorry but didn’t Tyler talk about how they lost everything and had to downsize??? Oh poor thing Tyty, you live in a shack! Tyler redeems himself with how much he loves his sweet dad. I can ALMOST forgive Tyler for forever wearing too short, too tight pants! I swear if I was a nurse I could find a vein and start an IV through those things!!!
Luke is next and I can’t wait to see if the rest of his fam is as psycho as he is! He is SO short! He definitely has short man syndrome. Luke takes AH to Sunday school in some sort of cafe. He starts off the session by telling his “Jesus in the shower” story again and about how he was “Entangled in Sin” in college. Then he won’t leave AH’s side as they make their way around the room forcing everyone to say what a great guy Luke is. They go to see Luke’s family and it’s just more of them saying what a great guy he is. Me thinks they doth protest too much! Afterwards, Luke actually apologizes for the struggle and then tells AH he loves her. Too little too late psycho!!! Dump him!!!
Lastly we go to Tennessee to see Jed. AH is wearing a pretty dress with little stars all over it. I stan. OF COURSE Jed takes her to a recording studio. UGH I am so over Jed and his REAL reason for being on this show!!! They go meet the family and Jed’s dad RUNS AND JUMPS INTO JED’S ARMS and I die! SO funny!!! Oh, but also, Jed’s dad has a soul patch so that’s creepy. Jed’s family is NOT a fan of AH and seems a little shocked that Jed’s talking love and engagement. Mom is a skeptic and Sister is straight up brutal, saying Jed being in love with AH is a bad idea. The whole time Mom is on screen all I want to do is cut her bangs.
Rose Ceremony- Tyler shows up in his uniform of too tight too short pants and stands a full head and shoulders above Luke. Peter is so handsome. He gets the 1st rose and Tyler gets #2. Then it’s obvious that AH is struggling between Luke and Jed. She leaves and cries and Chris Harrison actually makes an appearance and makes a LAME attempt to comfort her while AH destroys rose petals. AH finally walks back in and gives everyone a rose. UGH!!!! Jed is not happy and dude, I feel your pain. I wouldn’t want it to be a toss up between me and a shorty psychopath either!!!
Next week Luke pulls out the slut shaming card so that should be interesting. Until then my BBs!!!! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 8

Week 8. We’re in the Netherlands, y’all! Next week is Hometowns so this is an important week. Meaning, Alabama Hannah had better send Luke home now!!!
Jed gets the first 1-1 date and it’s so boring I almost nod off. They just walk around Amsterdam. But at least Jed didn’t bring his dang guitar. Thank the good Lord for that! They run into an older couple at a cafe who ask where AH & Jed are from and Jed replies “English”. I die a little inside just then. That right there is a prime example of why the world thinks Americans are dumb as rocks. At Fake Dinner AH shows up wearing one of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits in a shocking red. AH tells Jed she’s falling in love with him (for some reason) and he gets the rose.
Tyler arrives to his 1-1 wearing painted on jeans so tight it’s unsettling. HOW he manages to mount a horse in those things is beyond me!!! They are supposed to be riding their horses around The Hauge but they can’t control their horses. AH just keeps telling hers to “Go, go.” UGH. Tyler and AH try pickled herring (vomit fish) and Ty can’t handle it. That’s the highlight of their boring date. What is going on? Is the budget too tight this season for anyone to do anything fun?
Fake Dinner- AH says the word “like” so much that I might like, throw something at my, like, tv! And she’s wearing a skin tight white shirt that’s supposed to be a dress. The neckline plunges so low they had to use 4 rolls of tape just to hold her boobs in! Tyler gets the rose.
Back at the hotel Connor gets all upset because Mike gets the last 1-1 of the week and he was cheated out of his 1-1 because AH was hungover. Er, sick. Yeah, sick. So Connor takes his 12 year old self to AH’s room. AH is NOT thrilled to see Connor and she quickly sends him home. It’s kinda pitiful though when Connor’s voice quivers as he’s leaving.
Mike’s 1-1. They go bike riding then draw each other at an art studio. Mike’s all serious about it but his picture of AH depicts her with serious corn teeth!!! That night at the museum AH is snotty crying looking at all the art. She’s still crying when Mike arrives for dinner and things are NOT looking good for him. I can tell she’s about to dump him but he’s holding out hope up till the last second. MIKE FOR BACHELOR!!!
Peter, Garrett, & Luke go on a group date the next day with AH who appears to be wearing a swim shirt with her tight floral skirt. Odd choice. They, AGAIN, don’t do anything on this date but go to some old building and sit around talking and making out. Luke IMMEDIATELY starts talking to AH about all the other guys in the house and plays the victim card again. AH then talks to Garrett who goes back & gets into it with Luke. Garrett has lost all his cuteness for me because he’s such a sh!t stirrer!!! Luke explodes and gets in Garrett’s face then drops lunch meat on G’s lap. Then Luke goes outside trying to talk to Peter, who’s not having it and walks away. There are 2 roses up for grabs and Peter gets one. And we all say Hallelujah!!!
I do have to say it’s kinda funny when Garrett asks Luke “Are you licking your lips because you’re attracted to me?”
That night at Fake Dinner Luke tells AH all about finding Jesus and seeing Heaven in the shower. I love a good testimony but Luke just creeps me out so much!!! Even Jesus can’t save Luke for me! I LOATHE him and his stupid plaid, plum jacket so much!!!
Garrett tells AH he loves her. I’m not G’s biggest fan but ANYONE is better for her than Luke at this point. And then it happens, AH gives the last Hometowns rose to Luke. WHY??? WHAT could she possibly see in him?? I mean if this is producer driven then they are treading in dangerous territory. There’s fun psycho for good tv then there’s scary, real life psycho that requires a restraining order!!!
As AH walks G out, Luke laughs and grins his psycho grin and I’m just so over him. Luke then carries AH out of the room and they kiss and it’s just gross.
Next week is Hometowns and I just know the crazy will get amped up to 1000!!! Until then BBs! xo 🌹

Bachelorette Week 7

Week 7. I swear ABC, this week had better be more substantial than last week’s debacle! So we’re in Riga, Latvia (I have no idea where that is. Gotta Google!). We start with Garrett’s 1-1. They meet up in the forest and walk towards a river. Then 2 naked people fall from the sky. The naked people tell them it’s a Latvian thing to bungee jump naked from a cable car over a river. In the snow. Not the ideal situation for the guy amirite??
So Alabama Hannah and Garrett strip down and get strapped to each other and jump out of the cable car. And props to them because you would not catch me doing that! But they keep talking about trusting each other before they jump and I’m like you better trust the guys who rigged up this contraption!!! After the jump there’s a shot of AH’s bra floating down the river! Ha!
That night at Fake Dinner AH shows up wearing this horrific pink fur (better be faux) jacket and sparkly pants. She’s so up and down with her fashion choices this season! They talk and he says he’s going to be all open and vulnerable and tell her about a major hardship and get your hankies ready because he had to….give up football because he hated it. WHAT??? THAT’S the hardest thing you’ve been through?? Ugh. Miss Red Nose gives Garrett the rose and that’s that.
Next up is the group date. Production has totally checked out because they just all walk around Riga market eating weird food and doing shots of moonshine! Meanwhile, Luke is STEWING over the whole naked bungee jumping thing. How dare AH do something fun and a little risque with another man?!?
That night AH redeems herself fashion wise and arrives in this hot, slinky, silver number slit up to there! She makes quit work of jumping on and straddling Tyler while they make out.
Later Luke confronts AH about the naked 1-1 with Garrett. He calls her decision “boneheaded” and I’m FUMING. WHY is he still here??? He’s a neanderthal!!!!
Tyler gets the rose.
Peter’s 1-1 is next and it’s about time he got a 1-1! He’s the sweetest, most positive guy there besides Mike. So AH & Peter go to some mud hut spa of sorts where a Latvian couple organize their date. First they get slapped with branches and the Latvian woman sings. Then they concoct a body scrub mixture they never use. The whole thing is odd. The Latvian couple lead AH & Peter to a sauna where they shake branches at them then leave AH & P to make out. Peter gets really handsy! Who knew he had such a naughty side?? They finish up the day date in a hot tub. That night at Fake Dinner Peter gets the rose.
Peter goes back to the hotel and is telling everyone about their date when Jed slips out to serenade AH. I am so tired of Jed (who seems like a nice guy) singing. He’s really milking this opportunity to showcase his mild talent! AH invites him in and he sings some more then they make out & Jed tells her he’s falling in love with her.
Back at the hotel Garrett & Luke are arguing again and someone please shoot me if they utter the phrase “stay in your lane” one more time. Dang!!! Luke just won’t shut up with his nonsense but Garrett gets the last word with “Sweet dreams Luke”. Ha!
The next day AH comes to the guys’ room and pulls Luke out to talk to him about his toxic behavior. Luke’s talking in circles again and spouting his BS “IF I said that”. YOU SAID IT!!! UGH!!!
Luke goes back to the hotel room and gets into it with all the guys. Chris Harrison appears and tells them there’s no cocktail party tonight and to get dressed for the rose ceremony. Everyone shoots daggers at Luke.
Rose Ceremony- Why are so many of the guys wearing high water pants and no socks?? Is this a trend?? Dylan and Dustin get sent home- casualties of the whole Luke problem. AH barely spoke a word to either of them! Luke gets the last rose and I want to throw something at the tv! WHY???
Chris Harrison feels my pain and asks AH WHY?? She says she’s either falling in love with Luke or he’s driving her crazy! HOW could you fall in love with such a jackass???
I. Can’t. I just can’t with her. Until next week my bbs. xo🌹

Bachelorette Week 6

Week 6- We start out back on Luke P’s 1-1 date where Alabama Hannah has just told him she can’t give him the rose. LP says “My bad, let’s move on” and I about spit out my drink! He is such a psychopath robot I just can’t get over it! LP says he respects AH’s decision but he sooo doesn’t and just keeps talking in circles. LEAVE YOU NUT JOB!!! Finally he walks out…but then he comes back!!! Is it just me or is a restraining order in AH’s future??
Cut to the rest of the guys wishing, hoping, and praying that LP never darkens their door again, when sure enough, LP’s steroid ridden crazy ass shows back up, sans rose. AH didn’t give him the rose but she’s letting him stay until at least the next rose ceremony.
The next day is the cocktail party and rose ceremony and AH shows up wearing a white dress with a slit up to THERE and one of Liberace’s cream jackets with shoulders so big and sharp they are dangerous! Doesn’t AH, or at least ABC’s stylist, know you don’t mix white and cream?? Anyway, Garrett grabs AH to talk first and he spends his time grilling her about her 1-1 with LP. Garrett, don’t you know that’s the quickest way to splitsville is talking about the other guys?? Ugh. I swear it’s like no one has seen the show! After their talk Garrett comes back to the group and calls out LP. All the other guys jump on LP’s case like starved hyenas on steak and it gets loud. AH hears all the commotion and walks in yelling “Stop!!!”. Then she takes a mini Q & A about LP. She finishes up by chastising all the guys and good for her. AH tells them they don’t know anything about her and seriously?? We’re in week 6 and the guys STILL aren’t taking their heads out of their asses long enough to get to know the actual forking Bachelorette?? Insane!!!
AH leaves the room and the guys start back up again like they didn’t just get chewed out. It’s like LP can’t help himself. He just will not shut up!!! He talks in circles and lies and lies. AH comes back again and declares that she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. LP is STILL talking.
AH leaves the room to cry in her champagne in the hallway and Chris Harrison shows up to comfort her. CH- It’s your party. AH- The party’s over. And I guess it is because all the sudden it’s time for the rose ceremony.
Rose Ceremony- AH give Luke the last rose and I vomit a little. Going home- Grant, Kevin, and Dylan? Devin? Who knows?!?
There’s no champagne toast and announcement of where they are going to next. Just a harsh scolding from AH and good on her for giving them the what for!
Next thing you know we’re in Latvia. The guys are all walking around the city of Riga while AH & CH are chatting in a cafe. AH is crying again and is just so frustrated and I can totally understand why. Sort of. I do NOT understand what she sees in LP and why she’s keeping him around. But she’s feeling really defeated by the whole process, I mean journey.
All the sudden we’re in LA watching a segment that was clearly filmed post production. AH & CH are sitting together in the mansion and WHAT??? They start reviewing the season!!! WHY? Does ABC think I’m so wine drunk I can’t remember what happened 5 ding dang minutes ago??? And that’s it! That’s the whole show! They spend the rest of the 2 hours re-running clips from the previous 5 episodes! UGH!!! Oooh, except, CH asks AH who’s the best kisser and she says Luke! Gag!!!
The rest of the season looks good and it looks like I called it when I predicted psycho Luke was the one who slut shames AH. Why am I not surprised?!?
Until next week my BBs!!! xo 🌹