I’M BACK BBs!!!! It’s been 37 years since Pilot Pete’s Bachelor season ended in March. SO much has happened, like COVID!!! Ugh. But the powers that be at ABC finally got their acts together and figured out a way to entertain us with a 39 year old Clare and her 31 suitors! Here we go!!!
Ok so we start off with a bunch of backstory on Clare and her journey and (sort of) why she’s still single at 39. Then instead of showing us little bios of some of the standout contestants from this season, it’s a montage of masked faces boarding planes and what not. Instead of hanging at the Bachelor mansion they are filming at the nicest LaQuinta I’ve ever seen in Palm Springs. All the guys and Clare are quarantined and Covid tested multiple times.
Now, if you know me at all you know I despise spoilers. Even the smallest ones. I avoid them like the plague. So if you love me at all you won’t spoil any of this for me. I am going into this season knowing next to nothing about how it turns out. I know Tayshia is involved somehow but that’s it.
FINALLY it’s time to meet the guys! Clare shows up in a dress with a mirror smashed on it. It looks like they had to take it out some to accommodate her boobs in the bodice. And there’s some weird long strings in the back. BUT Clare herself looks fantastic! Not a trace of maskne to be seen!!! Way to go! Why does Chris Harrison’s hair look weird? Is it just me? Did he dye it? His part is extreme. Is that new? Hmmm. Curious. Anyway, on to the limo entrances!!! Full disclosure- my tv is smallish and my eyes are old and white font on yellow backgrounds is hard to read so I may get the spellings of names or occupations wrong.
Ben- 29 Army Ranger Vet. Cuteish. Seems nice.
Riley- 30 Attorney. Cute but seems kinda cheesy.
Zach C.- 36. Audiology Specialist. Stiff, nervous.
Jordan M.- 30. Cyber Security Engineer. NO SOCKS WITH HIS SUIT. SO tall!!!
Jason- 31 Former Pro Football Lineman. Arrives with a “pregnant” belly as a nod to Clare’s limo entrance with Juan Pablo when she arrived with a “pregnant” belly. It was tacky then and it’s even tackier now. It’s 2020 people. Get woke.
Ivan- 28. Aeronautical Engineer.
Kenny- 39. Boy Band Manager. For real?? Wearing a t-shirt with Clare’s dogs’ pictures on it. Kinda clever move.
Brendan-30. Commercial Roofer. SO nervous.
Mike- 38. Digital Media Adviser. Brings her sparkly flip flops for when her feet will inevitably hurt later. So thoughtful!!!
Jeremy-40. Banker. Sounds boring.
Blake Monar- 31. Male Grooming Specialist. I need more details about your occupation Blake!!!
Tyler C.- 27. Lawyer. Pulls up in an old woody station wagon.
Bennet- 36. Wealth Management Consultant because OF COURSE he is. He rolls up in a Rolls Royce wearing a black tux with white scarf. I’m shocked he’s not eating caviar on a cracker rn.
Blake Moynes- 29. Wildlife Manager. I need more details about your job too Blake! NO SOCKS. But super cute with beard and great smile.
Chris- 27. Landscape Design Salesperson. Cute.
AJ-28. Walks up in the tightest maroon suit I’ve ever laid eyes on! Then he squeezes Clare’s hands to hard and says it’s been months since I’ve touched a woman. NO ONE HERE DOUBTS THAT AJ. #creeper
Joe- 36. Anesthesiologist.
Garin- 34. Professor of Journalism. He totally looks like a professor too.
Robby-31. Insurance Broker.
Eazy (eye roll)- 29. Sports Marketing Agent. Jumps through a big banner that reads “Your Future Husband” wearing a pink suit! Pepto pink. He says his name is something else I couldn’t make out but he goes by Eazy. Ugh.
Jay-29. Fitness Director. Dude shows up in a straight jacket and doesn’t take it off to hug her! Odd duck.
Chasen-31. IT Account Executive. Walks up in a for real suit of armor over his regular suit. You know he had to smell.
Demar-26. Spin Cycling Instructor.
Ed- 36. Healthcare Salesman. Rolls up in a big plastic bubble. Clever ish.
Yosef- 30. Medical Device Salesman. Brings Moon Pies.
Jordan C.- 26 Software Account Executive. Brings popcorn.
Zach J- 37. Cleaning Service Owner. Brings a ring box that upon opening, reveals a man’s bum that farts. Keeping it Klassy!
Brandon- 28. Real Estate Agent.
Dale- 31. Former Pro Football Receiver. Hugs and picks Clare up. He’s really cute. Clare is INSTANTLY smitten. Says to CH that she thinks she just me her husband. (!!!)
Page- 37. Chef. NO SOCKS.
Tyler S- 36. Music Manager.
And that’s all 31 of them! Ok so there are lots of salesmen and lots of guys with “former” something or another as their occupation. I want to know what you’re doing now! I’m looking at you Dale and Jason etc!!! Also, why won’t men on this show wear socks with their suits and dress shoes??? Is this the fashion these days? I think it’s GROSS!!! Just think of those sweaty piggies encased in those shoes all. night. long. in the California heat! Bleh!
I love how Clare’s dogs are there with her and one of them busts into the cocktail party! SO cute.
A few of the guys ask about Clare’s mom who is in a care facility with Alzheimer’s. So sad.
Clare is TOTALLY vibing on Dale! And he seems nice and all but isn’t blowing me away or anything yet.
Jason is so positive and I’m digging him right up until he says Clare’s the most beautiful woman BESIDES HIS MOTHER. Run away Clare!!!
Yosef waits about .14 seconds before he tells Clare he has a daughter. Way to exploit!
Just then, Tyler C says he has “information” about Yo. So Ty C pulls Yo aside and confronts Yo saying that Yo DM’d a woman Ty knows. Yo says he doesn’t remember (which is totally suspect). Ty says he’s not here for high school drama JUST as he’s starting high school drama. So Yo pulls Clare aside. Clare asks Ty to join them for a chat. Clare asks Yo did you send the DM. Yo dances around the answer. Clare decides this BS isn’t worth her time so she leaves the 2 guys to sort it out. Good for you Clare!
Next she’s chatting with Bearded Blake the wildlife dude. Apparently Blake broke the rules and messaged Clare during Quar to ask about her mom who fell. He was the only one of the guys to reach out to her during Quar so that really touched her. And that’s how you get the first kiss of the night Ladies and Gents!
Clare then gives Dale the first impression rose and they kiss.
Bearded Blake gets the 1st rose.
Whoa! Turns out Page has fully tatted up hands!
Clare keeps Yosef.
Going home: Tyler C ( it doesn’t pay off to be a sh!t stirrer!), Page (who then shows us his tattooed heart on his chest), Chris, AJ (sigh of relief!), Jeremy, Jordan M., Mike, and Robby (you’re too old to still go by Robby!!!).
And that’s it for the season finale! The season previews look really good!!! I can’t wait to find out who calls Clare the “Oldest Bachelorette” like it’s a bad thing!
Alright my BBs! See you next week!!! xo 🌹