Bachelor Week 5

We start Week 5 still dealing with the Alayah drama in Cleveland. Natasha says “She made her bed and has to ALAYAH in it.” GROAN. Basically Alayah was sent home, then brought back by Peter and all the girls are up in arms about it. Meanwhile Alayah’s boobs are THIS close to escaping that deep V she calls a shirt. All the sudden Peter pulls Al aside to talk and he sends her home! Again! How long was she even back? 24 hours? So weird. P comes back inside from walking Al out and addresses the group like a sad, sad, basset hound. Then he proceeds to apologize to every woman individually in their private chats.

Rose Ceremony #1~

Going home- Savannah (who?), Kiarra, and Deandra. Deandra is SHOCKED she’s leaving.

During the group champagne toast P tells the girls they are going to….Costa Rica! They have sloths there!!!

P shows up at the girls’ villa in CR with a giant slash on his head. He tells some crazy story about a puma but in reality he bashed his head against a golf cart roof while holding a glass. He then shattered the glass and cut his forehead with the cut glass! 22 stitches! Bahahahaha!!!! No, seriously, 22 stitches is nothing to laugh at but ABC is brutal and won’t give P a day off to recover! They slap some flesh colored bandaids on his head and send him on his way.

Sydney gets the first 1-1 in CR. Syd and P fly off in a helicopter (with someone else piloting it) and there are so many flying puns being thrown around here I may hurl. They stop to have a picnic in a meadow where P tells Syd she’s the best kisser. And he should know! In the last month he’s played tonsil hockey with over 20 women!

That night at Fake Dinner Syd tells her sad story. Not to discount what Syd’s been through but it all seems so formulaic. Fake Dinner-sob story- make out- get rose. Anyway, she grew up a mixed race child of divorce in Alabama where she says she at lunch in the bathroom stall every day at school. I’m not saying Syd isn’t telling the truth but according to the Snatchelor, Syd was pretty popular in high school and appeared to be on the homecoming court. Hmmmm.

Syd gets the rose of course and then they strip down to their swimsuits to show us some soft core porn by a waterfall in a grotto.

Back at the house Kelsey has apparently been crying ALL DAY because she doesn’t like it that P’s dating other people. Kels: “I love Sydney a lot. I think she’s cool. But she’s a dramatic f!@#$ing bitch.” FEEL THE LOVE PEOPLE.

Group Date~

The girls assemble in the jungle and find out they are going to be modeling (AGAIN) by this gorgeous waterfall for Cosmopolitan magazine and the winner gets to be on the digital cover of the March issue. Kels: “I don’t like competing with other girls for attention.” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHOW??? During the shoot, Victoria F kisses Peter and the other girls boo her! Ha!!! But, jokes on them because the shy little wallflower Vic F wins! Although it turns out she loses the cover because Cosmo finds out about a White Lives Matter racist photo shoot VF did in the past. Uh oh!!! Turns out the internet is forever!!!

That night at the after party, Kels is still all upset and she tells P she’s falling in love with him. Meanwhile Tammy is running around telling anyone who’ll listen all about Kels crying and drinking wine. Tammy decides P should know about the crying and the wine for some reason so she spills the tea to Peter in their private chat. Tammy uses the words “mental breakdown” and “drinking heavily”. P immediately asks Kels about it then Kels comes back to the group demanding to know who the narc is. Most of the women say something about her crying but no one will fess up. Hannah Ann gets the rose.

Kelley’s 1-1~

Kelley doesn’t seem to into the whole process, um, I mean, JOURNEY, and she arrives to her date with Peter in the most hideous pants ever! Red with white vertical stripes. Is she a baseball umpire? Does she work in fast food? Either way my eyes are bleeding.

They go into a hut and 2 shaman lead them in these cleansing and trust rituals. P’s taking it all seriously and Kelley’s like “check out that lizard, man”.

Back at the house Tammy and Kels are trying to hash things out. Kels is crying again.

That night at Fake Dinner P starts in on Kelley, wanting to know where she stands with him. Conversation is tense and a bit combative. Kelley swears she’s all in. I don’t buy it Kell. She gets the rose and they go swimming under yet another waterfall.

The next day Tammy is STILL talking about Kels to the other girls. Kels sneaks out and goes to see P. Kels tells P that Tammy is telling people Kels is popping pills(!!!) and drinking too much. P reassures Kels and they make out then P gives her a rose. This scares Kels to death because she has to go back to the house and now everyone will know she snuck out to see P because of the rose. P’s all like “don’t worry, be happy” and Kels is about to have a full blown panic attack. She gets back to the house and with shaking hands she tells the girls.

Later the girls gather for the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Chris Harrison appears and announces there will be no cocktail party. ALL the girls immediately jump on Kels and virtually tear her limb from limb because it must be her fault there’s no cocktail party. The popping pills accusation comes up in the group conversation and Kels says “I only take birth control and Adderall. ” Yeah, you’re not helping your case there Kels. Meanwhile every time Mykenna is on camera during the cocktail party she’s whipping her tongue back and forth and rolling it around in her mouth and it’s hilarious! I must be the only one who finds that funny though because all the other girls are crying, literally crying, over not getting time with P tonight.

Rose Ceremony #2~

P is standing there with the first rose in hand and Tammy interrupts him to talk. Then Mykenna interrupts Tammy! Insane! There’s no control here! Finally we get back to the actual Rose Ceremony and P sends Shiann and Lexi home. When Shiann hugs P goodbye she tells him not all the girls are (shocker!) here for the right reasons (just like on Colton’s season).

Until next time, my BBs! Oh, and next time is in a mere 48 hours!!! 🌹

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